Quora精选：为什么“依赖性”如此令人生厌？

Answered by Oliver Emberton

Oliver Emberton的回复：

Let's play a mating game.

我们来玩个配对游戏吧。

Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person's forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their 'attractiveness'.

把100名男性和100名女性关进一个房间，在每人的额头写上一个1至10之间的任意数字，姑且称之为“魅力指数”。

You're not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can.

你看不到自己额头上的数字，也没人会告诉你到底是几。游戏目的是要你尽量跟排名最高的异性配成对儿。

Ready? Go.

准备好了吗？开始吧！

Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention.

几乎是顷刻之间，所有额头写着9和10的人都被人群团团围住，争相博取他们的注意力。

If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach - not so much.

如果人群向你涌来，你便知道自己的分数肯定不是一般的高；要是你走近时陌生人都落荒而逃，那分数肯定好不到哪儿去。

People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you'll probably never settle for less than a ten.

人们一旦被拒，就会降低期望值，被人追捧，就会提高期望值。要是你遇见的每一个人都想要跟你配对，那你可能永远也不会找个低于10的异性。

But for everyone else, you're forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you.

可对于其他人而言，你就不得不猜一记、赌一把。而暗示你的魅力程度的，就是你周围其他人对你的依赖程度。

This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you're better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that's what they're conveying.

这个游戏比现实生活简单多了，但实质上还是一个道理：如果某人极其渴望和你在一起，那么多半是因为他们认为你比他们强。他们也许错得离谱，可那就是他们所传达的信息。

Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we're wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You're trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have.

与此相反，如果某人在感情上显得比较冷淡，他们可能觉得自己可以做得更好。也许他们也错了，但在两种情况下，我们天生会把这当作对自己魅力程度的反馈。你在尝试猜测你额头上的数字，而他们的反馈就是你的全部线索。

You can't help being influenced by this, and it's one reason why 'playing it cool' is such an attractive trait, even if it's such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says "you're so much better than me, please pick me". Not a great sales pitch.

你没法儿不受它的左右，而这也正是“扮酷”如此吸引人的一个原因，尽管这装起来很容易。表现出依赖性实际上是在说，“你比我强那么多，请选我吧”。这实在算不得多好的推销口号。

Neediness is repulsive because we've evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It's like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don't understand why.

依赖性令人生厌，就因为我们已经进化到把它认作糟糕的信号。它就像是对蜘蛛、蝎子的恐惧，是一种保护我们最佳利益的原始本能，即使我们并不清楚为什么。

If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.

如果这让你感到沮丧或是泄气，请振作起来。

Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.

现实生活中有些额外的特性，让人可以从多个角度去考虑。就说一点吧：所有的数字都可能变化。但最重要的是，每个人在互相打量时，看到的数字都略有不同。