《渺小一生》:“我保证我不会离开你的。”

　 The surgery will be on a Monday, and although he stays at the office late on Friday, he doesn’t go in on Saturday. That afternoon, he packs a bag for the hospital; that evening, he and Willem have dinner at the tiny sushi place where they first celebrated the Last Supper. His final sessions with Patrizia and Yasmin had been on Thursday; Andy calls early on Saturday to tell him that he has the X-rays back, and that although the infection hasn’t budged, it also hasn’t spread. “Obviously, it won’t be a problem after Monday,” he says, and he swallows, hard, just as he had when Andy had said earlier that week, “You won’t have this foot pain after next Monday.” He remembers then that it is not the problem that is being eradicated; it is the source of the problem that is being eradicated. One is not the same as the other, but he supposes he has to be grateful, finally, for eradication, however it is delivered.

手术预定在星期一。他星期五在办公室待到很晚，但星期六就没去了。那天下午，他收拾了一个袋子准备带到医院；当晚，他和威廉在他们首次庆祝“最后的晚餐”的那家小寿司店吃晚餐。他最后一次接受帕特里齐亚和雅思敏注射是星期四；安迪星期六稍早打电话跟他说他的X光片送过来了，说尽管感染没有减轻，但也没有扩散。“很显然，过了星期一之后，这就不再是问题了。”安迪说，就像安迪那周稍早跟他说：“你下星期一之后就不会再脚痛了。”而他艰难地吞咽着，然后想起，他们要根除的不是问题，而是问题的源头。两者并不一样，但他猜想自己必须心存感激，因为终于能杜绝这个问题了，无论是怎么办到的。

　 He eats his final meal on Sunday at seven p.m.; the surgery is at eight the next morning, and so he is to have no more food, no more medication, nothing to drink, for the rest of the night.

他在星期天晚上7点吃了最后一餐；手术是次日早上8点，所以接下来这一夜不能再吃东西，不能吃药，也不能喝水了。

　 An hour later, he and Willem descend in the elevator to the ground floor, for his last walk on his own legs. He has made Willem promise him this walk, and even before they begin—they will go south on Greene one block to Grand, then west just another block to Wooster, then up Wooster four blocks to Houston, then back east to Greene and south to their apartment—he isn’t sure he’ll be able to finish. Above them, the sky is the color of bruises, and he remembers, suddenly, being forced out onto the street, naked, by Caleb.

一个小时后，他和威廉搭电梯到一楼，用自己的脚最后一次走路。他逼威廉陪他去散步，即使开始前，他也不确定自己走得完——他们预定沿着格林街往南走一个街区到格兰特街，往西只走一个街区到伍斯特街，然后往北走四个街区到休斯敦街，往东回到格林街，再往南回到他们的公寓。在他们上方，天空是一片瘀血的颜色，忽然间，他想起自己光着身子被凯莱布赶到街上的那一夜。

　 He lifts up his left leg and begins. Down the quiet street they walk, and at Grand, as they are turning right, he takes Willem’s hand, which he never does in public, but now he holds it close, and they turn right again and begin moving up Wooster.

他抬起左腿开始走。沿着安静的街道往前，来到格兰特街，右转时，他握住威廉的手，这是他在公共场合从来没做过的事，但现在他紧紧握着，两人再度右转，沿着伍斯特街往北。

　 He had wanted so badly to complete this circuit, but perversely, his inability to do so—at Spring, still two blocks south of Houston, Willem glances at him and, without even asking, starts walking him back east to Greene Street—reassures him: he is making the right decision. He has pressed up against the inevitable, and he has made the only choice he could make, not just for Willem’s sake, but for his own. The walk has been almost unbearable, and when he gets back to the apartment, he is surprised to feel that his face is wet with tears.

他好想完成这一圈散步，但偏偏做不到——到了清泉街，离休斯敦街还有两个街区，威廉看了他一眼，连问都不必问，就带着他往东走回格林街，他因此更放心，自己做了正确的决定。他面临无法避免的状况，做了他唯一能做的选择，不光是为了威廉，也是为了他自己。这段散步几乎难以承受，等他回到公寓，他很惊讶地发现自己满脸是泪。

　 The next morning, Harold and Julia meet them at the hospital, looking gray and frightened. He can tell they are trying to remain stoic for him; he hugs and kisses them both, assures them he’ll be fine, that there’s nothing to worry about. He is taken away to be prepped. Since the injury, the hair on his legs has always grown unevenly, around and between the scars, but now he is shaved clean above and below his kneecaps. Andy comes in, holds his face in his hands, and kisses him on his forehead. He doesn’t say anything, just takes out a marker and draws a series of dashes, like Morse code signals, in inverted arcs a few inches below the bottoms of both knees, then tells him he’ll be back, but that he’ll send Willem in.

次日早晨，哈罗德和朱丽娅在医院跟他会合，一脸惨白、恐惧。他看得出他们为了他，都刻意不流露情绪；他轮流拥抱并亲吻他们两个，跟他们保证自己会没事的，保证没什么好担心的。他被带进去准备。自从车祸受伤后，他左腿疤痕周围的腿毛总是参差不齐，但现在他膝盖上下都刮干净了。安迪进来，双手捧着他的脸，吻了他的额头。安迪什么都没说，只是掏出一支马克笔，画了一连串虚线，像摩斯密码的记号，在膝盖底下方的几英寸处形成一个反转的弧，然后安迪说要先离开一下，不过会让威廉进来。

　 Willem comes over and sits on the edge of his bed, and they hold each other’s hands in silence. He is about to say something, make some stupid joke, when Willem begins to cry, and not just cry, but keen, bending over and moaning, sobbing like he has never seen anyone sob. “Willem,” he says, desperately, “Willem, don’t cry: I’m going to be fine. I really am. Don’t cry. Willem, don’t cry.” He sits up in the bed, wraps his arms around Willem. “Oh, Willem,” he sighs, near tears himself. “Willem, I’m going to be okay. I promise you.” But he can’t soothe him, and Willem cries and cries.

威廉进来，坐在他的床沿，他们默默握着彼此的手。他正要说话，开些愚蠢的玩笑，威廉就哭了起来，不光是哭而已，还哭得非常激烈，哭得弯了腰，呜咽、啜泣得很厉害，他从没看过有人哭得这么惨。“威廉，”他拼命说，“威廉，别哭，我不会有事的。真的。别哭。威廉，别哭了。”他在床上坐起身，双臂抱着威廉。“啊，威廉，”他叹气，自己也快哭出来了，“威廉，我不会有事的，我跟你保证。”但他安慰不了他，威廉一直哭个不停。

　 He senses that Willem is trying to say something, and he rubs his back, asking him to repeat himself. “Don’t go,” he hears Willem say. “Don’t leave me.”

他感觉到威廉试着说什么，于是抚摸着威廉的背，要他再说一次。“别走，”他听到威廉说，“别离开我。”

　 “I promise I won’t,” he says. “I promise. Willem—it’s an easy surgery. You know I have to come out on the other side so Andy can lecture me some more, right?”

“我保证我不会离开你的。”他说，“我保证，威廉——这个手术很简单。你知道我的手术一定会成功的，好让安迪继续跟我说教，对吧？”

　 It is then that Andy walks in. “Ready, campers?” he asks, and then he sees and hears Willem. “Oh god,” he says, and he comes over, joins their huddle. “Willem,” he says, “I promise I’ll take care of him like he’s my own, you know that, right? You know I won’t let anything happen to him?”

此时安迪走进来。“准备好了吗，两位？”安迪问，接着看到并听到威廉在哭。“啊老天，”安迪说，走过来加入他们的拥抱。“威廉，”安迪说，“我保证会把他当成自己的亲人，好好照顾他，这你知道吧？你知道我不会让他出任何事的吧？”

　 “I know,” they hear Willem gulp, at last. “I know, I know.”

“我知道。”他们听到威廉吸了一大口气，“我知道，我知道。”

　 Finally, they are able to calm Willem down, who apologizes and wipes at his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Willem says, but he shakes his head, and pulls on Willem’s hand until he brings his face to his own, kisses him goodbye. “Don’t be,” he tells him.

最后，他们终于让威廉平静下来，看着他边道歉边擦干眼睛。“对不起。”威廉说。但他摇摇头，把威廉拉近跟他吻别。“不必对不起。”他告诉他。

　 Outside the operating room, Andy brings his head down to his, and kisses him again, this time on his cheek. “I’m not going to be able to touch you after this,” he says. “I’ll be sterile.” The two of them grin, suddenly, and Andy shakes his head. “Aren’t you getting a little old for this kind of puerile humor?” he asks.

到了手术室外，安迪低头凑向他又亲了一次，这回是脸颊。“之后我就不能再碰你了。”他说，“我要去消毒了。[3]”两个人忽然咧嘴而笑，安迪摇着头。“你开这种幼稚的玩笑，不觉得有点太老了吗？”他问。

　 “Aren’t you?” he asks. “You’re almost sixty.”

“那你呢？”他问，“你都快60岁了。”

　 “Never.”

“早得很呢。”

　 Then they are in the operating room, and he is gazing at the bright white disk of light above him. “Hello, Jude,” says a voice behind him, and he sees it’s the anesthesiologist, a friend of Andy’s named Ignatius Mba, whom he’s met before at one of Andy and Jane’s dinner parties.

他们进入了手术室，他凝视上方那个亮白的圆灯。“哈喽，裘德。”他后方一个声音说，他看到那是麻醉师，也是安迪的好友之一，名叫伊格纳提乌斯·姆巴，他在安迪家的晚餐派对上见过。

　 “Hi, Ignatius,” he says.

“嗨，伊格纳提乌斯。”他说。

　 “Count backward from ten for me,” says Ignatius, and he begins to, but after seven, he is unable to count any further; the last thing he feels is a tingling in his right toes.

“从十开始倒数给我听。”伊格纳提乌斯说。他开始倒数，但数完七之后，他再也数不下去；他感觉到的最后一件事，就是右脚趾的刺麻。

　 Three months later. It is Thanksgiving again, and they are having it at Greene Street. Willem and Richard have cooked everything, arranged everything, while he slept. His recovery has been harder and more complicated than anticipated, and he has contracted infections, twice. For a while he was on a feeding tube. But Andy was right: he has kept both knees. In the hospital, he would wake, telling Harold and Julia, telling Willem, that it felt like there was an elephant sitting on his feet, rocking back and forth on its rump until his bones turned into cracker dust, into something finer than ash. But they never told him that he was imagining this; they only told him that the nurse had just added a painkiller to his IV drip for this very purpose, and that he would be feeling better soon. Now he has these phantom pains less and less frequently, but they haven’t disappeared entirely. And he is still very tired, he is still very weak, and so Richard has placed a mauve velvet wingback chair on casters—one that India sometimes uses for sittings—for him at the head of the table, so he can lean his head against its wings when he feels depleted.

三个月后，又是感恩节了，他们在格林街过节。威廉和理查德负责做所有的菜，安排所有的事情，而他一直在睡觉。他的复原比原先预期的更困难也更复杂，他又感染了，前后两次。有一阵子还插了喂食管。不过安迪说得没错：他两边的膝盖都保住了。在医院里醒来，他会告诉哈罗德和朱丽娅，告诉威廉，感觉就像有一头大象坐在他两脚上，屁股前后摇晃，直到把骨头压成齑粉，压得比灰烬还细。但他们从没告诉他这是他想象的，只说护士刚在点滴里加了一种止痛药，他很快就会好过一些。现在，他出现这类幻痛的频率越来越低，不过还没完全消失。他还是很累、很虚弱，于是理查德拿了一张有脚轮的粉紫色天鹅绒翼背椅（印蒂亚有时会拿这张椅子给模特儿摆姿势），让他坐在桌首，这样他觉得累的时候，就可以把头靠在两翼上。

　 That dinner is Richard and India, Harold and Julia, Malcolm and Sophie, JB and his mother, and Andy and Jane, whose children are visiting Andy’s brother in San Francisco. He starts to give a toast, thanking everyone for everything they have given him and done for him, but before he gets to the person he wants to thank most—Willem, sitting to his right—he finds he cannot continue, and he looks up from his paper at his friends and sees that they are all going to cry, and so he stops.

那顿晚餐有理查德和印蒂亚、哈罗德和朱丽娅、马尔科姆和苏菲、杰比和他母亲、安迪和简（他们的孩子去旧金山拜访安迪的弟弟了）。他开始说祝酒词，轮流感谢每个人为他付出的一切，但正要讲到他最想感谢的人，坐在他右手边的威廉时，他发现自己讲不下去了。他从手上拿的小抄抬起头来，看到大家都快哭出来了，于是他打住。