《渺小一生》:他不知道这个问题的含义

　 “Give them a break, JB,” said Richard, mildly, as everyone else laughed, but he didn’t think Willem minded, and he certainly didn’t himself. After all, what did he care about anything but Willem?

“饶了他们吧，杰比。”理查德轻声说，其他人大笑起来，但他觉得威廉并不介意，他自己当然也不介意。毕竟，除了威廉之外，其他事他才不在乎呢。

　 For a while he waits to see if Willem will say anything else. He wonders if he will have to have sex; he is still mostly unable to determine when Willem wants to and when he doesn’t—when an embrace will become something more invasive and unwanted—but he is always prepared for it to happen. It is—and he hates admitting this, hates thinking it, would never say it aloud—one of the very few things he anticipates about Willem’s departures: for those weeks or months that he is away, there is no sex, and he can finally relax.

这会儿他躺在床上，有好一会儿，他等着看威廉会不会再说点别的。他很好奇他会不会想要做爱；大部分状况下，他还是无法判定威廉什么时候想要、什么时候不想。他不知道什么时候拥抱会变成更具侵略性或他不想要的东西，但他总是做好准备。虽然他不愿承认、不愿去想，也永远不会说出来，但随着威廉的离开，这是极少数让他期待的事情之一：威廉不在的那几周或几个月，就不会有性交，他终于可以放轻松了。

　 They have been having sex for eighteen months now (he realizes he has to make himself stop counting, as if his sexual life is a prison term, and he is working toward its completion), and Willem had waited for him for almost ten. During those months, he had been intensely aware that there was a clock somewhere counting itself down, and that although he didn’t know how much time he had left, he did know that as patient as Willem was, he wouldn’t be patient forever. Months before, when he had overheard Willem lie to JB about how amazing their sex life was, he had vowed to himself that he would tell Willem he was ready that night. But he had been too frightened, and had allowed himself to let the moment pass. A little more than a month after that, when they were on holiday in Southeast Asia, he once again promised himself he’d try, and once again, he had done nothing.

到现在，他们有性生活已经十八个月了（他知道自己得停止计算时间，免得他的性生活好像某种刑期，而他努力要熬过去似的），之前威廉等了他将近十个月。在那十个月里，他一直强烈感觉到某个地方有个时钟在倒数，尽管他不知道自己还剩多少时间，但他知道就连威廉这么有耐性的人，也不会永远等下去。几个月前，他无意间听到威廉跟杰比撒谎说他们的性生活很棒，他就向自己发誓当天晚上要跟威廉说他准备好了。但是他太害怕了，最后还是让那一刻过去了。之后过了一个多月，他们在东南亚度假时，他再度向自己保证他会尝试，但再一次，他还是什么都没做。

　 And then it was January, and Willem had left for Texas to film Duets, and he had spent the weeks alone readying himself, and the night after Willem came home—he was still astonished that Willem had come back to him at all; astonished and ecstatic, so happy he had wanted to lean his head out the window and scream for no other reason but the improbability of it all—he had told Willem that he was ready.

接下来的一月，威廉去德州拍《二重唱》，他把那独处的几个星期用来心理建设，然后威廉回家的那一夜，他就告诉威廉他准备好了——他还是很惊讶威廉居然会回到他身边；他惊讶而狂喜，开心得想把头伸出窗外尖叫，不为了什么，只因为这一切实在太不可能了。

　 Willem had looked at him. “Are you sure?” he’d asked him.

威廉看着他。“你确定吗？”他问他。

　 He wasn’t, of course. But he knew that if he wanted to be with Willem, he would have to do it eventually. “Yes,” he said.

他当然不确定。但是他知道如果自己想跟威廉在一起，早晚都得做这件事。“确定。”他说。

　 “Do you want to, really?” Willem asked next, still looking at him.

“你真的想做吗？”威廉接下来又问，还是看着他。

　 What was this, he wondered: Was this a challenge? Or was this a real question? It was better to be safe, he thought. So “Yes,” he said. “Of course I do,” and he knew by Willem’s smile that he’d chosen the correct answer.

他不知道这个问题的含义：是个挑战？或者真是个问题？最好别冒险，他心想。于是他说：“想，我当然想。”看到威廉的笑容，他知道自己选择了正确的答案。

　 But first he’d had to tell Willem about his diseases. “When you have sex in the future, you’d better make sure you always disclose beforehand,” one of the doctors in Philadelphia had told him, years ago. “You don’t want to be responsible for passing these on to someone else.” The doctor had been stern, and he had never forgotten the shame he had felt, nor the fear that he might share his filth with another. And so he had written down a speech for himself and recited it until he had it memorized, but the actual telling had been much more difficult than he had expected, and he had spoken so quietly that he’d had to repeat himself, which was somehow even worse. He had given this talk only once before, to Caleb, who had been silent and then had said in his low voice, “Jude St. Francis. A slut after all,” and he had made himself smile and agree. “College,” he had managed to say, and Caleb had smiled back at him, slightly.

但首先，他必须告诉威廉有关他的病。“未来如果你要性交，务必事先说出你的病情。”多年前费城的一个医生曾这样告诉他，“你不能把这些病传染给其他人。”那个医生态度很严厉，他永远忘不了当时所受到的羞辱，还有害别人跟他一样肮脏的恐惧。于是他写下一篇说词背起来，但真要说出口，比他预估的难太多了，而且他讲得很小声，中间很多地方都得重复。之前这套说辞他只跟凯莱布讲过一回。他听完沉默了一会儿，用他低沉的声音说：“裘德·圣弗朗西斯，原来是个小骚货。”他逼自己微笑并同意。“大学嘛。”他设法说，凯莱布对他微微一笑。

　 Willem too had been silent, watching him, and had asked, “When did you get these, Jude?” and then, “I’m so sorry.”

威廉听了这篇说辞也沉默了一会儿，看着他问道：“你是什么时候得这些病的，裘德？”然后说：“我很遗憾。”

　 They had been lying next to each other, Willem on his side, facing him, he on his back. “I had a lost year in D.C.,” he said at last, although that hadn’t been true, of course. But telling the truth would mean a longer conversation, and he wasn’t ready to have that conversation, not yet.

当时他们一起躺在床上，威廉睡在他那一侧，面向他，他则仰躺着。“我在华盛顿的那一年迷失了。”最后他终于说。这当然不是实话，但讲实话就得跟威廉谈更多，而他还没准备好。

　 “Jude, I’m sorry,” Willem had said, and had reached for him. “Will you tell me about it?”

“裘德，我很遗憾，”威廉说，伸手拥住他，“你可以告诉我发生了什么事吗？”

　 “No,” he’d said, stubbornly. “I think we should do it. Now.” He had already prepared himself. Another day of waiting wasn’t going to change things, and he would only lose his nerve.

“不，”他固执地说，“我想我们该做了，就是现在。”他已经准备好了，再等一天也不会有所改变，只会让他失去勇气而已。

　 So they had. A large part of him had hoped, expected even, that things would be different with Willem, that he would, finally, enjoy the process. But once it had begun, he could feel every bad old sensation returning. He tried to direct his attention to how this time was clearly better: how Willem was more gentle than Caleb had been, how he didn’t get impatient with him, how it was, after all, Willem, someone he loved. But when it was over, there was the same shame, the same nausea, the same desire to hurt himself, to scoop out his insides and hurl them against the wall with a bloody thwack.

于是他们做了。一大部分的他希望、甚至期盼跟威廉做情况会有不同，自己终能享受这个过程。但从一开始，他就感觉到昔日每一种恶劣的感官知觉都回来了。他设法专注地想这一回显然好很多：威廉比凯莱布温柔，对他没有任何不耐烦，毕竟威廉是他深爱的人。但结束后，他还是有同样的羞愧、同样的反胃、同样想自残的渴望，想把五脏六腑都掏出来，朝墙壁上狠狠摔过去，摔成一片血淋淋的。

　 “Was it okay?” Willem asked, quietly, and he turned and looked at Willem’s face, which he loved so much.

“还好吗？”威廉低声问。他转头看着威廉的脸，他深爱的那张脸啊。

　 “Yes,” he said. Maybe, he thought, it would be better the next time. And then, the next time, when it had been the same, he thought it might be better the time after that. Every time, he hoped things would be different. Every time, he told himself it would be. The sorrow he felt when he realized that even Willem couldn’t save him, that he was irredeemable, that this experience was forever ruined for him, was one of the greatest of his life.

“还好。”他说。他心想，或许下回会好一点。然后，下一回还是一样，他就想着再下一回可能会好一点。每一回，他都希望状况有所不同。每一回，他都告诉自己会好转。当他明白就连威廉也救不了他，自己已经无药可救，这种经验对他来说已经永远毁掉时，他陷入一生难得的深沉哀伤。

　 Eventually, he made some rules for himself. First, he would never refuse Willem, ever. If this was what Willem wanted, he could have it, and he would never turn him away. Willem had sacrificed so much to be with him, and had brought him such peace, that he was determined to try to thank him however he could. Second, he would try—as Brother Luke had once asked him—to show a little life, a little enthusiasm. Toward the end of his time with Caleb, he had begun reverting to what he had done all his life: Caleb would turn him over, and pull down his pants, and he would lie there and wait. Now, with Willem, he tried to remember Brother Luke’s commands, which he had always obeyed—Roll over; Now make some noise; Now tell me you like it—and incorporate them when he could, so he would seem like an active participant. He hoped his competency would somehow conceal his lack of enthusiasm, and as Willem slept, he made himself remember the lessons that Brother Luke taught him, lessons he had spent his adulthood trying to forget. He knew Willem was surprised by his fluency: he, who had always remained silent when the others had bragged about what they’d done in bed, or what they hoped to; he, who could and did tolerate every conversation his friends had about the subject but had never engaged in them himself.

最后，他为自己订下几条规则。第一，他绝对不会拒绝威廉。如果这是威廉想要的，那就给他，他绝对不会拒绝。威廉为了跟他在一起牺牲了那么多，又带给他莫大的平静，他决定尽力感谢他。第二，他会试着表现出一点生气和热忱，一如卢克修士一度要求他的。和凯莱布交往的末期，他开始回复到这辈子的惯常习性：凯莱布让他翻身，拉下他的长裤，他就躺在那里等待。而现在，跟威廉在一起，他试着回忆卢克修士的命令（他向来都乖乖遵从）——翻身；现在发出一点声音；现在告诉我你喜欢这样——然后尽量把这些纳入过程中，这样他就会像个积极的参与者。他希望技巧多少能掩饰他缺乏热忱。威廉睡着时，他会逼自己回忆卢克修士教过他的，而那是他成年后一直设法忘掉的。他知道威廉对他的熟练很惊讶。他向来保持沉默，听其他人吹嘘自己的床上功夫，或是他们希望在床上做些什么；他总是有办法忍受朋友们关于性事的种种对话，自己却从来不加入。

　 The third rule was that he would initiate sex once for every three times Willem did, so it didn’t seem so uneven. And fourth, whatever Willem wanted him to do, he would do. This is Willem, he would remind himself, again and again. This is someone who would never intentionally hurt you. Whatever he asks you to do is within reason.

第三条规则，威廉每主动三次，他也会主动一次，免得太不对等。第四，无论威廉希望他做什么，他都会做。他一次又一次提醒自己，这是威廉。这个人绝对不会故意伤害你。无论他要求你做什么，都是合理的。

　 But then he would see Brother Luke’s face before him. You trusted him, too, the voice nagged him. You thought he was protecting you, too.

但接着他眼前会浮现卢克修士的脸。你也信赖过他，那声音纠缠着他。你以前也以为他在保护你。

　 How dare you, he would argue with the voice. How dare you compare Willem to Brother Luke.

你居然敢，他跟那声音争辩，你居然敢拿威廉跟卢克修士比。