《渺小一生》:我只是怕你以后会怨恨我

　 He sighed, too. The first time Jude had met Kit, almost fifteen years ago, he’d turned to Willem afterward and said, smiling, “He’s your Andy.” And over the years, he had come to realize how true this was. Not only did Kit and Andy actually, creepily know each other—they were in the same class, and had lived in the same dorm their freshman year—but they both liked to present themselves as, to some extent, Willem’s and Jude’s creators. They were their defenders and their guardians, but they also tried, at every opportunity, to determine the shape and form of their lives.

他也叹气。裘德第一次见到基特是将近十五年前，事后他转向威廉，微笑着说：“他是你的安迪。”这些年来，他逐渐明白这句话再准确不过了。很诡异的是，实际上，基特和安迪不光彼此认识（他们同届，大一时还住在同一栋宿舍），而且他们在某种程度上都喜欢以威廉和裘德的创造者自居。他们是他们的捍卫者和守护者，但他们同时也利用每个机会，决定并塑造他们的生活。

　 “I thought you’d be a little more supportive of this, Kit,” he said, sadly.

“这件事，我还以为你会更支持一点呢，基特。”他难过地说。

　 “Why? Because I’m gay? Being a gay agent is far different than being a gay actor of your stature, Willem,” said Kit. He grunted. “Well, at least someone’s going to be happy about this. Noel”—the director of Duets—“will be fucking thrilled. This is going to be great publicity for his little project. I hope you like doing gay movies, Willem, because that’s what you might end up doing for the rest of your life.”

“为什么？因为我是同性恋者？威廉，当个同性恋者经纪人，跟当个你这种水平的同性恋演员，可是大不相同。”基特说，然后咕哝道，“好吧，至少有个人会很高兴。诺尔（《二重唱》的导演）一定他妈的乐歪了。这对他那部小制作可是很大的宣传。威廉，我希望你喜欢演同性恋电影，因为你的下半辈子可能只会演这类电影了。”

　 “I don’t really think of Duets as a gay movie,” he said, and then, before Kit could roll his eyes and start lecturing him again, “and if that’s how it ends up, that’s fine.” He told Kit what he had told Jude: “I’ll always have work; don’t worry.”

“我其实不认为《二重唱》是同性恋电影。”他说，然后抢在基特翻白眼、再度教训他之前说，“如果最后是这样的下场，也没关系。”他把自己告诉过裘德的话告诉基特，“我永远都会有工作的，别担心。”

　 (“But what if your film work dries up?” Jude had asked.

（“但如果你接不到电影了呢？”裘德曾问。

　 “Then I’ll do plays. Or I’ll work in Europe: I’ve always wanted to do more work in Sweden. Jude, I promise you, I will always, always work.”

“那我就去演舞台剧。或者去欧洲工作，我一直想多接瑞典那边的工作。裘德，我跟你保证，我会永远、永远演下去的。”

　 Jude had been silent, then. They had been lying in bed; it had been late. “Willem, I really won’t mind—not at all—if you want to keep this quiet,” he said.

裘德沉默了。当时他们躺在床上，时间很晚了。“威廉，如果你想保密的话，我真的不介意——一点也不介意。”裘德说。

　 “But I don’t want to,” he said. He didn’t. He didn’t have the energy for it, the sense of planning for it, the endurance for it. He knew a couple of other actors—older, much more commercial than he—who actually were gay and yet were married to women, and he saw how hollow, how fabricated, their lives were. He didn’t want that life for himself: he didn’t want to step off the set and still feel he was in character. When he was home, he wanted to feel he was truly at home.

“可是我不想。”他说。他的确不想。他没有那个力气，没有那个谋划的本领，也没有那个忍耐力。他知道有几个演员——比较年长，比他更具商业性——其实是同性恋，却跟女人结婚。他看到他们的生活有多空洞、多虚伪。他不想过那种生活，他不想在离开拍摄现场后，还觉得自己在扮演一个角色。当他回家时，他希望自己真正觉得是在家里。

　 “I’m just afraid you’re going to resent me,” Jude admitted, his voice low.

“我只是怕你以后会怨恨我。”裘德承认，声音很小。

　 “I’ll never resent you,” he promised him.)

“我永远不会怨恨你的。”他向裘德保证。）

　 Now, he listened to Kit’s gloomy predictions for another hour, and then, finally, when it was clear that Willem wouldn’t change his mind, Kit seemed to change his. “Willem, it’ll be fine,” he said, determinedly, as if Willem had been the one who was concerned all along. “If anyone can do this, you can. We’re going to make this work for you. It’s going to be fine.” Kit tilted his head, looking at him. “Are you guys going to get married?”

这会儿，他听着基特又悲观地预测了一个小时，然后，终于，当威廉摆明了不会再改变心意时，基特似乎也改变了心意。“威廉，一切都会没事的。”他坚定地说，仿佛之前一直担心的人是威廉，“要是有任何人办得到，那就是你了。我们会让你不受影响的。一定会没事的。”基特歪头看着他，“你们两个打算结婚吗？”

　 “Jesus, Kit,” he said, “you were just trying to break us up.”

“天啊，基特，”他说，“你刚刚还想拆散我们呢。”

　 “No, I wasn’t, Willem. I wasn’t. I was just trying to get you to keep your mouth shut, that’s all.” He sighed again, but resignedly this time. “I hope Jude appreciates the sacrifice you’re making for him.”

“不，我没有，威廉。我没有。我只是想让你瞒着别说，如此而已。”他又叹了口气，但这回是认命的叹气，“我希望裘德感激你为他所做的牺牲。”

　 “It’s not a sacrifice,” he protested, and Kit cut his eyes at him. “Not now,” he said, “but it may be.”

“这不是牺牲。”他抗议，但是基特狠狠看了他一眼。“现在不是，”他说，“但以后可能会是。”

　 Jude came home early that night. “How’d it go?” he asked Willem, looking closely at him.

裘德那天晚上提早回家。“进行得怎么样了？”他问威廉，仔细看着他。

　 “Fine,” he said, staunchly. “It went fine.”

“很好，”他坚定地说，“进行得很好。”

　 “Willem—” Jude began, and he stopped him.

“威廉……”裘德才要开口，就被他打断。

　 “Jude,” he said, “it’s done. It’s going to be fine, I swear to you.”

“裘德，”他说，“已经决定了。一切都会很好的，我跟你发誓。”

　 Kit’s office managed to keep the story quiet for two weeks, and by the time the first article was published, he and Jude were on a plane to Hong Kong to see Charlie Ma, Jude’s old roommate from Hereford Street, and from there to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos. He tried not to check his messages while he was on vacation, but Kit had gotten a call from a writer at New York magazine, and so he knew there would be a story. He was in Hanoi when the piece was published: Kit forwarded it to him without comment, and he skimmed it, quickly, when Jude was in the bathroom. “Ragnarsson is on vacation and was unavailable for comment, but his representative confirmed the actor’s relationship with Jude St. Francis, a highly regarded and prominent litigator with the powerhouse firm of Rosen Pritchard and Klein and a close friend since they were roommates their freshman year of college,” he read, and “Ragnarsson is the highest-profile actor by far to ever willingly declare himself in a gay relationship,” followed, obituary-like, with a recapping of his films and various quotes from various agents and publicists congratulating him on his bravery while simultaneously predicting the almost-certain diminishment of his career, and nice quotes from actors and directors he knew promising his revelation wouldn’t change a thing, and a concluding quote from an unnamed studio executive who said that his strength had never been as a romantic lead anyway, and so he’d probably be fine. At the end of the story, there was a link to a picture of him with Jude at the opening of Richard’s show at the Whitney in September.

基特的办公室设法把消息压了两个星期，第一篇报道发出来时，他和裘德已经搭上前往香港的飞机，去找裘德在贺瑞佛街的老室友查理·马，接下来再去越南、柬埔寨、老挝。他度假时都尽量不去看短信之类的讯息，不过基特接到《纽约》杂志一个作者打来的电话，于是他知道会有一篇报道。那篇文章刊登时，他们已经到了河内。基特把文章转给他们，没有附上任何评论，他很快浏览了一下，当时裘德在浴室里。“拉格纳松目前正在度假，无法取得他的回应，但是他的经纪人证实了拉格纳松与裘德·圣弗朗西斯的恋情。圣弗朗西斯是一位评价很高的知名诉讼律师，服务于著名的罗森·普理查德律师事务所。两人从大学一年级成为室友以来，就是非常亲近的朋友。”他读着，然后是“拉格纳松是目前为止愿意公开同性恋情的最知名的演员”。接着像是讣闻似的，列出他拍过的电影，引用各路经纪人与公关人员对他的祝贺，赞美他的勇气，但同时也预测他演员生涯几乎肯定会走下坡，报道还引用了他认识的导演和演员所说的话，保证他的坦白绝对不会影响他的事业。最后引用了一位不具名的片厂高层主管的话，他说威廉的强项从来不是爱情文艺片，因此大概不会有影响。报道最后有个网址，链接了一张他和裘德九月去惠特尼美国艺术博物馆参加理查德的个展开幕的照片。

　 When Jude came out, he handed him the phone and watched him read the article as well. “Oh, Willem,” he said, and then, later, looking stricken, “My name’s in here,” and for the first time, it occurred to him that Jude may have wanted him to keep quiet as much for his own privacy as for Willem’s.

裘德从浴室出来后，他把手机递给他，看着他阅读那篇文章。“啊，威廉。”裘德说，过了一会儿，裘德一脸懊丧的表情，“我的名字发出来了。”他才第一次想到，裘德希望他保密，可能不光是为了威廉的隐私，也是为了他自己的。