《渺小一生》:你讲话真是一如往常

　 “I have to,” Jude said.

“我非走不可。”裘德说。

　 “Five minutes,” he said.

“五分钟。”他说。

　 “Five,” Jude said, and slid beneath the covers, and Willem wrapped his arms around him, careful not to wrinkle his suit, and closed his eyes. And this too he loved: he loved knowing that in those moments, he was making Jude happy, loved knowing that Jude wanted affection and that he was the person who was allowed to provide it. Was this arrogance? Was this pride? Was this self-congratulation? He didn’t think so; he didn’t care. That night, he told Jude that he thought they should tell Harold and Julia that they were together when they went up for Thanksgiving that week. “Are you sure, Willem?” Jude had asked him, looking worried, and he knew that Jude was really asking if he was sure about the relationship itself: he was always holding the door open for him, letting him know he could leave. “I want you to really think about this, especially before we tell them.” He didn’t need to say it, but Willem knew, once again, what the consequences would be if they told Harold and Julia and, later, he changed his mind: they would forgive him, but things would never be the same. They would always, always pick Jude over him. He knew this: it was the way it should be.

“就五分钟。”裘德说，然后滑进被单底下，接着威廉用双臂圈住他，小心不要弄皱他的西装，还闭上眼睛。这也是他很喜欢的：他很喜欢知道自己在那些时刻里让裘德快乐，很喜欢知道裘德想要关爱，而自己是被允许提供关爱的人。这是自大吗？这是傲慢吗？这是自鸣得意吗？他不认为如此，但他也不在乎。那一夜，他告诉裘德，他觉得他们那星期去哈罗德和朱丽娅家过感恩节时，应该要告诉他们夫妇，说他们两个在一起了。“威廉，你确定吗？”裘德当时问他，一脸忧虑。他知道裘德真正问的是，他对这段感情确定吗？裘德一直帮他开着门，让他知道他可以随时离开。“我要你认真想想，尤其在告诉他们之前。”这些话裘德不必说出来，但威廉明白，如果他们告诉了哈罗德和朱丽娅，而他稍后又改变心意的话，会有什么后果：他们会原谅他，但一切再也不会一样了。他们永远、永远会优先选择裘德而不是他。这点他知道，本来就该这样。

　 “I’m positive,” he’d said, and so they had.

“我确定。”他说。于是他们说了。

　 He thought of this conversation as he poured Kit a glass of water and carried the plate of sandwiches to the table. “What is this?” Kit asked, looking suspiciously at the sandwiches.

这会儿，他倒了一杯水，拿着一碟三明治到餐桌给基特，想到了这段对话。“这什么？”基特问，一脸怀疑地看着那些三明治。

　 “Grilled peasant bread with Vermont cheddar and figs,” he said. “And escarole salad with pears and jamón.”

“烤乡村面包，夹佛蒙特车达奶酪和无花果，”他说，“还有茅菜沙拉拌生梨和西班牙火腿沙拉。”

　 Kit sighed. “You know I’m trying not to eat bread, Willem,” he said, although he didn’t know. Kit bit into a sandwich. “Good,” he said, reluctantly. “Okay,” he continued, putting it down, “tell me.”

基特叹气。“威廉，你明知道我现在尽量不吃面包的。”他说，但其实他不知道。基特咬了一口三明治。“好吃。”他不情愿地说，“好吧，”他继续说，放下三明治，“告诉我吧。”

　 And so he did, and added that while he wasn’t planning on announcing the relationship, he wasn’t going to pretend otherwise about it, either, and Kit groaned. “Fuck,” he said. “Fuck. I thought it might be this. I don’t know why, I just did. Fuck, Willem.” He put his forehead down on the table. “I need a minute,” Kit said to the table. “Have you told Emil?”

于是他说了，还说他不打算公布这段恋情，但也不打算隐瞒。于是基特哀叹起来。“他妈的，”他说，“他妈的。我就想到可能是这个。我不明白为什么，但我就是知道。他妈的，威廉。”他前额靠在桌上，“给我一分钟想一下。”基特对着桌子说，“你跟埃米尔说了吗？”

　 “Yeah,” he said. Emil was Willem’s manager. Kit and Emil worked with each other best when they were united against Willem. When they agreed, they liked each other. When they didn’t, they didn’t.

“说了。”他说。埃米尔是威廉的私人经理。基特和埃米尔合作得最好的时候，就是联手起来反对威廉。他们意见一致时就喜欢对方；意见不同时就不喜欢对方。

　 “And what did he say?”

“他怎么说？”

　 “He said, ‘God, Willem, I’m so happy that you’ve finally committed to someone you truly love and feel comfortable around, and I couldn’t be happier for you as your friend and longtime supporter.’ ” (What Emil had actually said was, “Christ, Willem. Are you sure? Did you talk to Kit yet? What did he say?”)

“他说：‘老天，威廉，我真高兴你终于找到一个你真正深爱又相处得好的伴侣，身为你的朋友和长年的支持者，我真是再高兴不过了。’”（埃米尔真正说的是：“天啊，威廉。你确定吗？你跟基特谈过没？他怎么说？”）

　 Kit lifted his head and glared at him (he didn’t have much of a sense of humor). “Willem, I am happy for you,” he said. “I care about you. But have you thought about what’s going to happen to your career? Have you thought about how you’re going to be typecast? You don’t know what it’s like being a gay actor in this business.”

基特抬起头瞪着他（他没什么幽默感）。“威廉，我很替你高兴，”他说，“我关心你。但你想过这对你的事业会有什么影响吗？你想过你会因此被定型吗？你不知道在这一行，同性恋演员会受到什么待遇。”

　 “I don’t really think of myself as gay, though,” he began, and Kit rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so naïve, Willem,” he said. “Once you’ve touched a dick, you’re gay.”

“其实，我真的不认为自己是同性恋。”他开口，只见基特翻了个白眼。“别这么天真了，威廉，”他说，“只要你碰过一根，你就是同性恋了。”

　 “Said with subtlety and grace, as always.”

“你讲话真是一如往常，微妙又优雅。”

　 “Whatever, Willem; you can’t afford to be cavalier about this.”

“随便啦，威廉；这件事你可不能掉以轻心。”

　 “I’m not, Kit,” he said. “But I’m not a leading man.”

“我没有啊，基特，”他说，“但我又不是一线男演员。”

　 “You keep saying that! But you are, whether you like it or not. You’re just acting like your career is going to keep going on the same trajectory it’s been on—do you not remember what happened to Carl?” Carl was a client of a colleague of Kit’s, and one of the biggest movie stars of the previous decade. Then he had been forced out of the closet, and his career had faded. Ironically, it was Carl’s obsolescence, his sudden unpopularity, that had encouraged the rise of Willem’s own career—at least two roles that Willem had gotten were ones that would once have gone, reflexively, to Carl. “Now, look: you’re far more talented than Carl, and more diversified as well. And it’s a different climate now than when Carl came out—domestically, at least. But I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you to prepare for a certain chill. You’re private as it is: Can’t you just keep this under wraps?”

“你总是这么说！但你就是，无论你喜不喜欢。你只是装得好像你的事业会继续在同一个轨道运行——你忘了卡尔的遭遇吗？”卡尔是基特一个同事的客户，也是十年前最红的影星之一。他被迫出柜，事业也逐渐走下坡。讽刺的是，正因为卡尔被淘汰、突然不再受欢迎，才促成了威廉的崛起——威廉接到的角色中，至少有两个原先一定会去找卡尔。“不过听我说，你远比卡尔有才华，戏路也比较广。现在的气氛跟卡尔当年出柜时也不同了——至少国内是这样。但如果我不告诉你要准备好会有某种冷淡的待遇，那我就是没有尽到分内的职责。你向来注重隐私，这件事难道就不能保密吗？”

　 He didn’t reply, just reached for another sandwich, and Kit studied him. “What does Jude think?”

他没回答，只是伸手又拿了一个三明治。基特审视着他：“裘德觉得呢？”

　 “He thinks I’m going to end up performing in a Kander and Ebb revue on a cruise ship to Alaska,” he admitted.

“他觉得我最后会沦落到在阿拉斯加邮轮上演歌舞剧。”他承认。

　 Kit snorted. “Somewhere between how Jude thinks and how you think is how you need to think, Willem,” he said. “After everything we’ve built together,” he added, mournfully.

基特冷哼一声：“威廉，你必须想的，是把你和裘德的想法加起来除以二，”他说，“我们好不容易才一起建立起这一切啊。”他悲观地说。