《渺小一生》:今天晚上先别打扰他吧

　 They had decided to tell just a few people about their relationship. First they told Harold and Julia, which was the most rewarding and enjoyable reveal, although Jude had been very nervous for some reason. This had been just a couple of weeks ago, at Thanksgiving, and they had both been so happy, so excited, and they had both hugged him and Harold had cried, a little, while Jude sat on the sofa and watched the three of them, a small smile on his face.

他们之前已经决定把两人的关系告诉少数几个朋友。首先，他们告诉哈罗德和朱丽娅，这是最能得到正面响应、最令人愉快的告白，虽然裘德出于某些原因一直很紧张。那不过是两周前感恩节假期的事，哈罗德和朱丽娅很高兴、很兴奋，两个人都抱了他，哈罗德还哭了。裘德坐在沙发上，看着他们三个，一抹淡淡的笑容挂在脸上。

　 Then they told Richard, who hadn’t been as surprised as they’d anticipated. “I think this is a fantastic idea,” he’d said, firmly, as if they’d announced they were investing in a piece of property together. He hugged them both. “Good job,” he said. “Good job, Willem,” and he knew what Richard was trying to communicate to him: the same thing he had tried to communicate to Richard when he told him, years ago, that Jude needed somewhere safe to live, when really, he was asking Richard to look over Jude when he could not.

然后他们告诉理查德。他不像他们预期中那么惊讶。“我觉得这样太棒了。”他坚定地说，仿佛他们刚刚宣布两人要一起投资一件房地产。他拥抱了他们两个。“太好了，”他说，“做得太好了，威廉。”他懂得理查德试图跟他传达的讯息。就像他几年前告诉理查德，裘德需要一个安全的住处，但其实他试图传达的是：请理查德在他没办法时帮忙照看裘德。

　 Then they told Malcolm and JB, separately. First, Malcolm, who they thought would either be shocked or sanguine, and who had turned out to be the latter. “I’m so happy for you guys,” he said, beaming at them both. “This is so great. I love the idea of you two together.” He asked them how it had happened, and how long ago, and, teasingly, what they’d discovered about the other that they hadn’t known before. (The two of them had glanced at each other then—if only Malcolm knew!—and had said nothing, which Malcolm had smiled at, as if it was evidence of a rich cache of sordid secrets that he would someday unearth.) And then he’d sighed. “I’m just sad about one thing, though,” he’d said, and they had asked him what it was. “Your apartment, Willem,” he said. “It’s so beautiful. It must be so lonely by itself.” Somehow, they had managed not to laugh, and he had reassured Malcolm that he was actually renting it to a friend of his, an actor from Spain who had been shooting a project in Manhattan and had decided to stay on for another year or so.

然后他们分别告诉马尔科姆和杰比。先是马尔科姆，他们认为他要不是很震惊，就是很乐观，结果是后者。“我真替你们两个高兴，”他说，满面笑容地看着他们，“这真是太棒了，我很高兴你们两个在一起。”他问他们是怎么发生的，多久以前发生的，还取笑地问他们是否发现了彼此以前不知道的事情（他们两个互看一眼——还好马尔科姆不知道！——但什么都没说。马尔科姆一笑置之，好似知道他们有一堆肮脏的小秘密，总有一天他会挖出来）。接着马尔科姆叹了口气。“只是有一件事我很难过。”他说。他们问他什么事。“你的公寓啊，威廉，”马尔科姆说，“我装潢得那么漂亮。现在没人住，一定很孤单。”他们两个设法忍着没笑出来。接着他跟马尔科姆保证，他其实已经把那里租给一个朋友了，是来自西班牙的一个男星，之前在曼哈顿拍电影，拍完后决定留下来待一年。

　 JB was trickier, as they’d known he would be: they knew he would feel betrayed, and neglected, and possessive, and that all of these feelings would be exacerbated by the fact that he and Oliver had recently split up after more than four years. They took him out to dinner, where there was less of a chance (though, as Jude pointed out, no guarantee) that he would make a scene, and Jude—around whom JB was still slightly careful and to whom JB was less likely to say something inappropriate—delivered the news. They watched as JB put his fork down and put his head in his hands. “I feel sick,” he said, and they waited until he looked up and said, “But I’m really happy for you guys,” before they exhaled. JB forked into his burrata. “I mean, I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me earlier, but happy.” The entrées came, and JB stabbed at his sea bass. “I mean, I’m actually really pissed. But. I. Am. Happy.” By the time dessert arrived, it was clear that JB—who was frantically spooning up his guava soufflé—was highly agitated, and they kicked each other under the table, half on the verge of hysterics, half genuinely concerned that JB might erupt right there in the restaurant.

至于杰比就比较棘手了，两个人都知道他会有什么反应：他会觉得被背叛、被忽视。他占有欲特别强，加上他跟交往四年多的男友奥利弗刚分手，这些感觉又会更恶化。他们找他出来吃晚餐，这样他比较不会当众大发脾气（不过一如裘德指出的，也不能完全保证），并且由裘德说出这个消息——有他在场，杰比还是比较小心，比较不会说出什么不恰当的话。他们看着杰比放下叉子，脸埋进双手里。“我好想吐。”他说。好不容易才等到他抬起头，说：“但是我真的很替你们高兴。”两个人这才松了一口气。杰比回去叉着他的布拉塔奶酪：“我的意思是，我很不爽你们没有更早告诉我，但是我很高兴。”主菜上来了，杰比叉着他的海鲈鱼：“我的意思是，我真的很火大。不过。我，很，高，兴。”等到甜点上来，杰比显然非常激动（乱挖着他的巧克力熔岩舒芙蕾）。他们在桌子底下互相踢脚，一半是濒临歇斯底里，一半是真的担心杰比可能在餐厅里当场爆发。

　 After dinner they stood outside and Willem and JB had a smoke and they discussed JB’s upcoming show, his fifth, and his students at Yale, where JB had been teaching for the past few years: a momentary truce that was ruined by some girl coming up to him (“Can I get a picture with you?”), at which JB made a sound that was somewhere between a snort and a groan. Later, back at Greene Street, he and Jude did laugh: at JB’s befuddlement, at his attempts at graciousness, which had clearly cost him, at his consistent and consistently applied self-absorption. “Poor JB,” Jude said. “I thought his head was going to blow off.” He sighed. “But I understand it. He’s always been in love with you, Willem.”

晚餐后，他们站在餐厅外头，威廉和杰比抽着烟，三个人讨论杰比即将举行的第五次个展，还有他在耶鲁大学的学生（杰比最近几年在那里教书）。结果这个短暂的休战状态被走向他的一个年轻女郎打断（“可以跟你拍张照吗？”），杰比发出介于冷哼和抱怨之间的声音。后来在走回格林街的路上，他和裘德都大笑了：笑杰比很慌乱，还试图表现大方，显然很吃力；还笑他始终如一的专心致志。“可怜的杰比，”裘德说，“我还以为他的脑袋就要炸掉了。”他叹口气，“但是我能理解。他一直爱着你，威廉。”

　 “Not like that,” he said.

“才不呢。”他说。

　 Jude looked at him. “Now who can’t see themselves for who they are?” he asked, because that was what Willem was always telling him: that Jude’s vision, his version of himself was singular to the point of being delusional.

裘德看着他。“现在是谁看不清楚自己了？”他问，因为威廉总是这么告诉他，说裘德对自己的看法，根本是自己胡思乱想出来的。

　 He sighed, too. “I should call him,” he said.

他也叹气。“我该打电话给他。”他说。

　 “Leave him alone tonight,” Jude said. “He’ll call you when he’s ready.”

“今天晚上先别打扰他吧，”裘德说，“等他准备好了，自然会打给你的。”

　 And so he had. That Sunday, JB had come over to Greene Street, and Jude had let him in and then had excused himself, saying he had work to do, and closed himself in his study so Willem and JB could be alone. For the next two hours, Willem had sat and listened as JB delivered a disorganized roundelay whose many accusations and questions were punctuated by his refrain of “But I really am happy for you.” JB was angry: that Willem hadn’t told him earlier, that he hadn’t even consulted him, that they had told Malcolm and Richard—Richard!—before him. JB was upset: Willem could tell him the truth; he’d always liked Jude more, hadn’t he? Why couldn’t he just admit it? Also, had he always felt this way? Were his years of fucking women just some colossal lie that Willem had created to distract them? JB was jealous: he got the attraction to Jude, he did, and he knew it was illogical and maybe a tiny bit self-involved, but it wouldn’t be truthful if he didn’t tell Willem that part of him was miffed that Willem had picked Jude and not him.

于是他等着。那个星期天，杰比来格林街公寓拜访，裘德开了门就告退，说他还有工作要忙，然后把自已关在书房里面，让威廉和杰比单独谈谈。接下来两小时，威廉坐在那里听杰比讲一堆乱七八糟、兜来转去的话，许多控诉和问题中间都穿插着“但是我真的很替你们高兴”。杰比很生气：气威廉没有更早告诉他，气威廉甚至没找他商量，气他们竟然先告诉马尔科姆和理查德（理查德！）。杰比很心烦：威廉可以跟他说实话的啊；他一直比较偏爱裘德，不是吗？他干吗不承认就好了呢？另外，他是不是一直对裘德有这种感觉？他这么多年跟女人上床，是不是只是用来扰乱他人想法的漫天大谎？杰比很嫉妒：他明白裘德的吸引力，他真的明白，而且他知道这样讲不合逻辑，或许还有点自我中心，但如果要他诚实一点，那么他得告诉威廉，一部分的他对于威廉选了裘德而非他，的确有点不高兴。

　 “JB,” he said, again and again, “it was very organic. I didn’t tell you because I needed time to figure it out in my own head. And as for being attracted to you, what can I say? I’m not. And you aren’t attracted to me, either! We made out once, remember? You said it was a huge turnoff for you, remember?”

“杰比，”他说，一次又一次，“那个感觉是逐渐发展出来的。我没告诉你，是因为我需要时间先搞清楚。至于被你吸引，我能说什么？我就是没有。你也没被我吸引啊！我们还亲热过一次，记得吗？你说害你很倒胃口，记得吗？”

　 JB ignored all this, however. “I still don’t understand why you told Malcolm and Richard first,” he said, sullenly, to which Willem had no response. “Anyway,” JB said, after a silence, “I really am happy for you two. I am.”

然而杰比根本不管。“我还是不懂你为什么先告诉马尔科姆和理查德。”他闷闷不乐地说。威廉没回答。“总之，”杰比沉默了一会儿说，“我真的很替你们两个高兴。真的。”

　 He sighed. “Thank you, JB,” he said. “That means a lot.” They were both quiet again.

他叹气。“谢谢你，杰比，”他说，“这对我们来说意义重大。”他们再度沉默下来。

　 “JB,” said Jude, coming out of his study, looking surprised that JB was still there. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

“杰比，”裘德从书房走出来，一副很惊讶杰比还在的表情，“你要不要留下来一起吃晚饭？”

　 “What’re you having?”

“你们要吃什么？”

　 “Cod. And I’ll roast some potatoes the way you like them.”

“鳕鱼。另外我会烤一些马铃薯，就是你喜欢的那种做法。”

　 “I guess,” JB said, sulkily, and Willem grinned at Jude over JB’s head.

“那好吧。”杰比说，还是板着脸。威廉隔着杰比的头，在上方对裘德咧嘴笑。

　 He joined Jude in the kitchen and began making a salad, and JB slumped to the dining-room table and started flipping through a novel Jude had left there. “I read this,” he called over to him. “Do you want to know what happens in the end?”

他到厨房帮裘德做沙拉，杰比则跨坐在餐桌前，翻着一本裘德留在那的小说。“这本我看过。”他对着他们喊，“你想知道结局是什么吗？”

　 “No, JB,” said Jude. “I’m only halfway through.”

“不要，杰比，”裘德说，“我才看了一半。”

　 “The minister character dies after all.”

“那个部长最后还是死了。”