《渺小一生》:但如果得等我好几个月呢？

　 Willem had smiled. “I enjoy it, yes,” he said, “but I don’t need it.” He smiled again. “My dentist will be thrilled.”

威廉微笑。“我是很喜欢咖啡，没错，”他说，“但是我并不需要它。”他再度微笑，“我的牙医肯定高兴死了。”

　 Also in that first month, he had talked to Willem about sex. They had these conversations at night, in bed, when it was easier to say things. He had always associated night with cutting, but now it was becoming about something else—those talks with Willem in a darkened room, when he was less self-conscious about touching him, and where he could see every one of Willem’s features and yet was also able to pretend that Willem couldn’t see his.

同样在第一个月，他告诉威廉关于性爱的事。他们的交谈都是在夜里、躺在床上时，这样要讲事情比较容易。他总是把夜晚和割自己联系在一起，但现在夜晚变成别的——在黑暗的房间里跟威廉谈话，此时碰触他比较不会让他难为情，而且可以看清威廉的五官，同时又可以假装威廉看不到他。

　 “Do you want to have sex someday?” he asked him one night, and even as he was saying it, he heard how stupid he sounded.

“你希望有一天有性生活吗？”他有天晚上问。即使问出口的时候，他已经知道听起来有多愚蠢。

　 But Willem didn’t laugh at him. “Yes,” he said, “I’d like to.”

但威廉没笑他。“是的，”他说，“我很希望。”

　 He nodded. Willem waited. “It’s going to take me a while,” he said, at last.

他点点头。威廉等着。“我需要一点时间。”他终于说出口。

　 “That’s okay,” Willem said. “I’ll wait.”

“没关系，”威廉回道，“我可以等。”

　 “But what if it takes me months?”

“但如果得等我好几个月呢？”

　 “Then it’ll take months,” Willem said.

“那就等几个月。”威廉说。

　 He thought about that. “What if it takes longer?” he asked, quietly.

他又想了想。“那如果要等更久呢？”他小声问。

　 Willem had reached over and touched the side of his face. “Then it will,” he said.

威廉伸手过来，摸着他的侧脸。“那就等更久。”他说。

　 They were quiet for a long time. “What’re you going to do in the meantime?” he asked, and Willem laughed. “I do have some self-control, Jude,” he said, smiling at him. “I know this comes as a shock to you, but I can go for stretches without having sex.”

两个人都沉默了好一会儿。“那这期间你要怎么办？”他问。威廉笑了。“我还是有点自制力的，裘德，”他说，朝他微笑，“我知道这对你来说很震撼，但我也可以很久没有性生活。”

　 “I didn’t mean anything,” he began, remorseful, but Willem grabbed him and kissed him, noisily, on the cheek. “I’m kidding,” he said. “It’s okay, Jude. You’ll take as long as you need.”

“我没有别的意思。”他再度开口，后悔极了，但威廉抓住他，响亮地吻了他的脸颊。“我是开玩笑的啦，”他说，“没关系，裘德。你要花多少时间都没问题。”

　 And so they still haven’t had sex, and sometimes he is even able to convince himself that maybe they never will. But in the meantime, he has grown to enjoy, to crave even, Willem’s physicality, his affection, which is so easy and natural and spontaneous that it makes him feel easier and more spontaneous as well. Willem sleeps on the left side of the bed, and he on the right, and the first night they slept in the same bed, he turned to his right on his side, the way he always did, and Willem pressed up against him, tucking his right arm under his neck and then across his shoulders, and his left arm around his stomach, moving his legs between his legs. He was surprised by this, but once he overcame his initial discomfort, he found he liked it, that it was like being swaddled.

于是他们一直没有性生活，有时他甚至说服自己，或许他们永远不会有。但同时他也越来越享受，甚至渴望威廉的身体接触，以及他的关爱，那么轻松自然又随性，让他也跟着感到更轻松更随性了。威廉睡在床的左侧，他睡在右侧。他们睡在同一张床的那一夜，他转向右边那一侧，威廉靠过来贴着他，把右手塞到他的脖子底下，横过他的肩膀，然后左手抱着他的肚子，双腿塞进他的腿间。他对这个举动很惊讶，但一旦克服了一开始的不安，他就发现自己喜欢这样，就像被抱在襁褓中。

　 One night in June, however, Willem didn’t do it, and he worried he had done something wrong. The next morning—early mornings were the other time they talked about things that seemed too tender, too difficult, to be said in the daylight—he asked Willem if he was upset with him, and Willem, looking surprised, said no, of course not.

然而，六月的一个夜晚，威廉没这样抱着他，他担心自己做错了什么。次日早上（清晨是另一个谈话时段，让他们谈一些似乎太微妙、太艰难，无法在大白天谈的事情），他问威廉自己是不是惹他不高兴了，威廉一脸惊讶地说没有，当然没有。

　 “I just wondered,” he began, stammering, “because last night you didn’t—” But he couldn’t finish the sentence; he was too embarrassed.

“我只是很好奇，”他说，结结巴巴的，“因为你昨天晚上没有……”但是他讲不下去，太难为情了。

　 But then he could see Willem’s expression clear, and he rolled into him and wrapped his arms around him. “This?” he asked, and he nodded. “It was just because it was so hot last night,” Willem said, and he waited for Willem to laugh at him, but he didn’t. “That’s the only reason, Judy.” Since then, Willem has held him in the same way every night, even through July, when not even the air-conditioning could erase the heaviness from the air, and when they both woke damp with sweat. This, he realizes, is what he wanted from a relationship all along. This is what he meant when he hoped he might someday be touched. Sometimes Caleb had hugged him, briefly, and he always had to resist the impulse to ask him to do it again, and for longer. But now, here it is: all the physical contact that he knows exists between healthy people who love each other and are having sex, without the dreaded sex itself.

这时他看到威廉一脸恍然大悟，靠过来用双手抱住他。“这个？”威廉问，他点点头。“那是因为昨天夜里太热了。”威廉说。他等着威廉笑他，但结果没有。“那是唯一的原因，小裘。”从此以后，威廉每天晚上都会用同样的姿势抱他，即使到了七月，连冷气都没法消除空气中的闷热，两个人浑身大汗地热醒。这个，他明白，就是他一直想从伴侣关系中得到的。他希望自己有一天能被碰触的意思就是这个。以前凯莱布有时会拥抱他，很短暂，而他总得压抑想要他再抱一次、抱更久的冲动。但现在，所有他知道存在于彼此相爱且有性生活的健康成人之间的身体接触他全都有了，而且还不必恐惧性交本身。

　 He cannot bring himself to initiate contact with Willem, nor ask for it, but he waits for it, for every time that Willem grabs his arm as he passes him in the living room and pulls him close to kiss him, or comes up behind him as he stands at the stove and puts his arms around him in the same position—chest, stomach—that he does in bed. He has always admired how physical JB and Willem are, both with each other and with everyone around them; he knew they knew not to do it with him, and as grateful as he was for their carefulness with him, it sometimes made him wistful: he sometimes wished they would disobey him, that they would lay claim to him with the same friendly confidence they did with everyone else. But they never did.

他无法主动碰触威廉，也没办法开口要求威廉碰他，但他期待每回在起居室经过威廉身边时，威廉会抓住他一只手臂，把他拉近了吻他，或是他站在厨房炉子前，威廉从后头走近，双臂圈住他的胸部或腹部，就跟在床上拥抱时位置相同。他以前向来欣赏杰比和威廉善于利用身体传达情感，对彼此、对身边所有人都是如此。他知道他们清楚不能对他这样，尽管他很感激他们对自己很谨慎，但有时这也会让他伤感。他真希望他们偶尔违抗他，用对待其他人时友善的信心拥抱他或碰触他。但他们从来不会。

　 It took him three months, until the end of August, to finally take off his clothes in front of Willem. Every night he came to bed in his long-sleeve T-shirt and sweatpants, and every night Willem came to bed in his underwear. “Is this uncomfortable for you?” Willem asked, and he shook his head, even though it was—uncomfortable, but not entirely unwelcome. Every day the month before, he promised himself: he would take off his clothes and be done with it. He would do it that night, because he had to do it at some point. But that was as far as his imagination would let him proceed; he couldn’t think about what Willem’s reaction might be, or what he might do the following day. And then night would come, and they would be in bed, and his resolve would fail him.

他花了三个月，直到八月底，他才终于有办法在威廉面前脱衣服。每天晚上他都穿着长袖T恤和运动裤上床睡觉，威廉则只穿着内裤睡觉。“你这样不会不舒服吗？”威廉问。他摇摇头，其实不舒服，但他也不完全讨厌。头一个月，他每天都对自己承诺：他会脱掉衣服，从此就不穿着上床了。他这天晚上就打算这样，因为他早晚得这么做。但他的想象力只能到此为止。他无法想象威廉的反应会是如何，也不知道次日他会怎么做。到了晚上，他们躺在床上时，他的决心又崩解了。

　 One night, Willem reached beneath his shirt and put his hands on his back, and he yanked himself away so forcefully that he fell off the bed. “I’m sorry,” he told Willem, “I’m sorry,” and he climbed back in, keeping himself just at the edge of the mattress.

某天晚上，威廉把手伸到他的T恤底下，两手放在他的背部。他赶紧躲开，用力到整个人都掉下床去。“对不起，”他告诉威廉，“对不起。”然后爬回床上，始终紧靠着床垫边缘。

　 They were quiet, the two of them. He lay on his back and stared at the chandelier. “You know, Jude,” Willem said at last. “I have seen you without your shirt on.”

两人沉默了一会儿。他仰天躺着，瞪着吊灯。“你知道吗，裘德，”威廉终于说了，“我看过你没穿衬衫的样子。”