《渺小一生》:这是忙碌的一天，他很庆幸

　 “Yes,” he says. “Thanks.”

“好的，”他说，“谢谢你。”

　 It’s a busy day, for which he’s grateful, and he tries to give himself no time to think about anything but work. Late in the morning, he gets a text from Andy—Assume you’ve seen that the asshole is dead. Pancreatic cancer = major suffering. You okay?—and writes back to assure him he’s fine, and over lunch he reads the obituary one last time before stuffing the entire paper into the shredder and turning back to his computer.

这是忙碌的一天，他很庆幸，也设法专心工作，不让自己有时间想别的。上午过了一半，他接到安迪传来的短信——猜想你已经看到那个混蛋死了。胰腺癌＝非常痛苦。你还好吧？他回信息跟安迪保证他还好，午餐时他又最后一次看了那篇讣闻，然后把整份报纸塞进碎纸机，回头忙电脑上的工作。

　 In the afternoon he gets a text from Willem saying that the director he’s meeting with about his next project has pushed back their dinner, so he doesn’t think he’ll be home before eleven, and he is relieved. At nine, he tells his associates he’s leaving early, and then drives home and goes directly to the bathroom, shucking his jacket and rolling up his sleeves and unstrapping his watch as he goes; he’s almost hyperventilating with desire by the time he makes the first cut. It has been nearly two months since he’s made more than two cuts in a single sitting, but now he abandons his self-discipline and cuts and cuts and cuts, until finally his breathing slows and he feels the old, comforting emptiness settle inside him. After he’s done, he cleans up and washes his face and goes to the kitchen, where he reheats some soup he’d made the weekend before and has his first real meal of the day, and then brushes his teeth and collapses into bed. He is weak from the cutting, but he knows if he rests for a few minutes, he’ll be fine. The goal is to be normal by the time Willem comes home, to not give him anything to worry about, to not do anything else to upset this impossible and delirious dream he’s been living in for the past eighteen weeks.

到了下午，他接到威廉的短信，说要跟他碰面谈下一部新片的导演把约定的晚餐时间延后了，他觉得晚上11点之前回不了家。他看了短信后松了口气。到了9点，他跟同事说他今天要提早走，然后开车回家，直接走向浴室，一路把西装外套脱掉、卷起袖子、解开手表；等到他割下第一刀时，几乎因为渴望而换气过度。过去两个月来，他从来没有一次割超过两刀，但现在他丢开之前的自律，割了一刀又一刀，直到最后呼吸减缓，感觉到昔日那种舒适的空荡逐渐在心中安顿下来。他割完之后，清理好又洗了脸，然后去厨房，把周末做的浓汤加热，这才吃了一整天的第一餐，刷完牙后就倒在床上。他因为割伤变得虚弱，但他知道只要休息个几分钟就没事了。他的目标是在威廉回家前恢复正常，不要让他有任何理由担心，不要做任何蠢事，搞砸过去十八个星期这场不可能又极度愉快的美梦。

　 When Willem had told him of his feelings, he had been so discomfited, so disbelieving, that it was only the fact that it was Willem saying it that convinced him it wasn’t some terrible joke: his faith in Willem was more powerful than the absurdity of what Willem was suggesting.

当初威廉把自己的感觉告诉他时，他实在太困惑、太不敢相信了，只因为是威廉说的，他才相信这不是个可怕的玩笑：他对威廉的信任太强烈了，胜过威廉那些话的荒谬性。

　 But only barely. “What are you saying?” he asked Willem for the tenth time.

但只是勉强胜过一点。“你在说什么？”他问了威廉第十次。

　 “I’m saying I’m attracted to you,” Willem said, patiently. And then, when he didn’t say anything, “Judy—I don’t think it’s all that odd, really. Haven’t you ever felt that way about me, in all these years?”

“我说，我被你吸引。”威廉耐心地说，看他没吭声，便继续说：“小裘……我不认为有那么奇怪，真的。这么多年来，你难道都没对我有那种感觉吗？”

　 “No,” he said instantly, and Willem had laughed. But he hadn’t been joking. He would never, ever have been so presumptuous as to even picture himself with Willem. Besides, he wasn’t what he had ever imagined for Willem: he had imagined someone beautiful (and female) and intelligent for Willem, someone who would know how fortunate she was, someone who would make him feel fortunate as well. He knew this was—like so many of his imaginings about adult relationships—somewhat gauzy and naïve, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen. He was certainly not the kind of person Willem should be with; for Willem to be with him over the theoretical fantasy woman he’d conjured for him was an unbelievable tumble.

“没有。”他立刻说，威廉大笑。但他没开玩笑。他绝对、绝对不会过度自信到妄想能跟威廉在一起。此外，他也不是威廉的理想对象。他想象威廉的对象是个美丽又聪慧的女子，某个懂得自己有多幸运、也让威廉觉得幸运的人。他知道这样想（就像他有关成人伴侣之间的许多想象），有点模糊又天真，但他不认为不可能。他当然不是应该跟威廉在一起的那种人；要威廉跟他在一起，而不是跟他替威廉空想的那个女子，实在是难以置信的大暴跌。

　 The next day, he presented Willem with a list of twenty reasons why he shouldn’t want to be with him. As he handed it to him, he could see that Willem was amused, slightly, but then he started to read it and his expression changed, and he retreated to his study so he wouldn’t have to watch him.

次日，他把一份清单交给威廉，列出威廉不该跟他在一起的二十个理由。他递过去时，看得出威廉觉得有点好笑，但威廉一开始阅读，表情就变了。他则退回自己的书房，这样就不必看着威廉。

　 After a while, Willem knocked. “Can I come in?” he asked, and he told him he could.

过了一会儿，威廉来敲门。“我可以进来吗？”威廉问。他说可以。

　 “I’m looking at point number two,” said Willem, seriously. “I hate to tell you this, Jude, but we have the same body.” He looked at him. “You’re an inch taller, but can I remind you that we can wear each other’s clothes?”

“我正在看第二点。”威廉严肃地说，“裘德，我很不想告诉你这个，但我们有同样的身材，”他看着他，“你比我高一英寸，但是我可以提醒你一下吗？我们可以穿彼此的衣服啊。”

　 He sighed. “Willem,” he said, “you know what I mean.”

他叹气。“威廉，”他说，“你明知道我的意思。”

　 “Jude,” Willem said, “I understand that this is strange for you, and unexpected. If you really don’t want this, I’ll back off and leave you alone and I promise things won’t change between us.” He stopped. “But if you’re trying to convince me not to be with you because you’re scared and self-conscious—well, I understand that. But I don’t think it’s a good enough reason not to try. We’ll go as slowly as you want, I promise.”

“裘德，”威廉说，“我知道这对你来说很奇怪，而且意想不到。如果你真的不想跟我在一起，我就放弃，不打扰你，而且保证我们之间的一切都不会改变。”他停下。“不过如果你想说服我不要跟你在一起，是因为你害怕或难为情——唔，这个我理解。但是我不认为这个理由够好，让你连试都不肯试。我们可以慢慢来，按照你想要的速度，我保证。”

　 He was quiet. “Can I think about it?” he asked, and Willem nodded. “Of course,” he said, and left him alone, sliding the door shut behind him.

他沉默了一会儿。“我可以考虑一下吗？”他问。威廉点点头。“当然可以。”他说，然后走出房间，把拉门关上。

　 He sat in his office in silence for a long time, thinking. After Caleb, he had sworn he would never again do this to himself. He knew Willem would never do anything bad to him, and yet his imagination was limited: he was incapable of conceiving of a relationship that wouldn’t end with his being hit, with his being kicked down the stairs, with his being made to do things he had told himself he would never have to do again. Wasn’t it possible, he asked himself, that he could push even someone as good as Willem to that inevitability? Wasn’t it foregone that he would inspire a kind of hatred from even Willem? Was he so greedy for companionship that he would ignore the lessons that history—his own history—had taught him?

他静静地在书房里坐了许久，思索着。在凯莱布之后，他就发誓再也不要对自己这样了。他知道威廉绝对不会对他做出任何不好的事情，但他的想象力受到了限制。他现在无法设想一段伴侣关系的收场不是挨打、被踢下楼梯、被迫去做他告诉过自己永远不必再做的事情。他自问，他真的不会把威廉这么善良的人逼到那无可避免的结局吗？就连威廉都会被他激起恨意，这不是事先可以预料到的吗？他果真这么想要有个伴，而忽略了历史（他个人的历史）给他的教训吗？

　 But then there was another voice inside him, arguing back. You’re crazy if you turn this opportunity down, said the voice. This is the one person you have always trusted. Willem isn’t Caleb; he would never do that, not ever.

但接着，他心中还有另一个声音回嘴争辩。你疯了才会拒绝这个机会。那个声音说，这是你始终信任的那个人。威廉不是凯莱布；他永远不会那样做的，永远不会。

　 And so, finally, he had gone to the kitchen, where Willem was making dinner. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s do it.”

于是终于，他走到厨房，威廉正在弄晚餐。“好吧，”他说，“我们来试试看吧。”

　 Willem had looked at him and smiled. “Come here,” he said, and he did, and Willem kissed him. He had been scared, and panicky, and once again he had thought of Brother Luke, and he had opened his eyes to remind himself that this was Willem after all, not someone to fear. But just as he was relaxing into it, he had seen Caleb’s face flashing through his mind like a pulse, and he pulled away from Willem, choking, rubbing his hand across his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he said, pivoting away from him. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this, Willem.”

威廉看着他微笑。“过来。”威廉说，于是他过去了，威廉吻了他。他一直很害怕、很惊恐，而且再度想到卢克修士。于是他张开眼睛，提醒自己这是威廉，不是他害怕的人。正当他逐渐放松，却又看到凯莱布的脸如脉搏般在他心里一闪一闪，他往后挣脱威廉，咳嗽着，一手抹着嘴巴。“对不起，”他说，转身背对威廉，“对不起。我对这个不太行，威廉。”

　 “What do you mean?” Willem had asked, turning him back around. “You’re great at it,” and he had felt himself sag with relief that Willem wasn’t angry at him.

“什么意思？”威廉问，又把他转过来，“你很棒啊。”他感觉自己整个人放松地瘫软下来，庆幸威廉没生他的气。

　 Since then, he has been constantly pitting what he knows of Willem against what he expects of someone—anyone—who has any physical desire for him. It is as if he somehow expects that the Willem he has known will be replaced by another; as if there will be a different Willem for what is a different relationship. In the first few weeks, he was terrified that he might upset or disappoint Willem in some way, that he might drive him toward anger. He had waited for days, summoning his courage, to tell Willem that he couldn’t tolerate the taste of coffee in his mouth (although he didn’t explain to him why: Brother Luke, his awful, muscular tongue, the grain of coffee grounds that had permanently furred his gumline. This had been one of the things he had appreciated about Caleb: that he hadn’t drunk coffee). He apologized and apologized until Willem told him to stop. “Jude, it’s fine,” he said. “I should’ve realized: really. I just won’t drink it.”

从此，他时常把他对威廉所知的一切，拿来跟某个——任何一个——对他有丝毫肉体欲望的人相比较，尤其是他对那些人的期待。仿佛他期望自己知道的威廉会被另一个人取代；仿佛他们的友谊关系转为伴侣关系，威廉就会换了一个人。在头两三个星期，他很怕自己可能会以某种方式害威廉心烦或失望，很担心自己可能会逼他生气。他等了好几天才鼓起勇气，告诉威廉他受不了他嘴里的咖啡味（他没解释原因：其实是因为卢克修士那可怕、健壮有力的舌头，还有他永远黏着咖啡碎渣的牙龈边缘。这是他欣赏凯莱布的一点：他不喝咖啡）。他再三道歉，直到威廉叫他别再道歉了。“裘德，没关系的，”他说，“我早该明白的，真的。我不喝就是了。”

　 “But you love coffee,” he said.

“可是你爱咖啡啊。”他说。