《渺小一生》:你们两个就是很喜欢走路

　 Vanya was an efficient shoot, just thirty-six days, and was over by the last week in March. One day shortly after it had ended, he met an old friend and former girlfriend of his, Cressy, for lunch in TriBeCa, and as he walked back to Greene Street in the light, dry snow, he was reminded of how much he enjoyed the city in the late winter, when the weather was suspended between one season and the next, and when Jude cooked every weekend, and when you could walk the streets for hours and never see anyone but a few lone people taking their dogs out for a stroll.

《凡尼亚舅舅》的拍摄过程很有效率，只花了三十六天，在三月的最后一个星期杀青。刚拍完没多久，有一天他跟一个老朋友（也是前女友）克雷西在翠贝卡区碰面吃午餐，吃完后正要走回格林街，外头下着干燥的小雪，让他想起自己有多喜欢深冬的纽约。此时的天气在两个季节间悬而未决，裘德每个周末都会做菜，他可以在冷清的街上走好几个小时，只看到零星几个出来遛狗的人。

　 He was heading north on Church Street and had just crossed Reade when he glanced into a café on his right and saw Andy sitting at a table in the corner, reading. “Willem!” said Andy, as he approached him. “What’re you doing here?”

他沿着教堂街往北，刚过瑞德街时，无意间看到右边一家小餐馆里头，安迪坐在角落一张桌子前阅读，于是他走进去。“威廉！”安迪看到他走过来很惊讶，“你怎么会来这里？”

　 “I just had lunch with a friend and I’m walking home,” he said. “What’re you doing here? You’re so far downtown.”

“我刚刚跟一个朋友吃午餐，正要走路回家，”他说，“你怎么会来这里？你家离这很远呢。”

　 “You two and your walks,” Andy said, shaking his head. “George is at a birthday party a few blocks from here, and I’m waiting until I have to go pick him up.”

“你们两个就是很喜欢走路，”安迪说着摇摇头，“乔治来附近参加一个生日派对，我刚刚送他过去，晚一点再去接他回家。”

　 “How old is George now?”

“乔治现在几岁了？”

　 “Nine.”

“9岁。”

　 “God, already?”

“老天，都这么大了？”

　 “I know.”

“我知道。”

　 “Do you want some company?” he asked. “Or do you want to be alone?”

“你想要有人做伴吗？”他问，“或者你想要一个人安静一下？”

　 “No,” said Andy. He tucked a napkin into his book to mark his place. “Stay. Please.” And so he sat.

“不了。”安迪说，把一张纸巾塞到书里当书签，“留下来吧，拜托。”于是他坐下了。

　 They talked for a while of, of course, Jude, who was on a business trip in Mumbai, and Uncle Vanya (“I just remember Astrov as being an unbelievable tool,” Andy said), and his next project, which began shooting in Brooklyn at the end of April, and Andy’s wife, Jane, who was expanding her practice, and their children: George, who had just been diagnosed with asthma, and Beatrice, who wanted to go to boarding school the following year.

他们当然聊了裘德（当时他刚好去印度孟买出差），聊了《凡尼亚舅舅》（“我只记得阿斯特洛夫医生是个不可思议的家伙。”安迪说），聊了他四月底即将在布鲁克林开拍的新电影，还有安迪的太太简执业的诊所扩大规模，也聊到他们的子女：乔治刚被诊断出有气喘，比阿特丽斯明年想去上寄宿学校。

　 And then, before he could stop himself—not that he felt any particular need to try—he was telling Andy about his feelings for Jude, and how he wasn’t sure what they meant or what to do about them. He talked and talked, and Andy listened, his face expressionless. There was no one else in the café but the two of them, and outside, the snow fell faster and thicker, and he felt, despite his anxiety, deeply calm, and glad he was telling somebody, and that that somebody was a person who knew him and Jude both, and had for many years. “I know this seems strange,” he said. “And I’ve thought about what it could be, Andy, I really have. But part of me wonders if it was always meant to be this way; I mean, I’ve dated and dated for decades now, and maybe the reason it’s never worked out is because it was never meant to, because I was supposed to be with him all along. Or maybe I’m telling myself this. Or maybe it’s simple curiosity. But I don’t think it is; I think I know myself better than that.” He sighed. “What do you think I should do?”

然后，他还来不及阻止自己（其实他也不觉得有必要阻止），就告诉了安迪他对裘德的种种感觉，还有他不确定这些感觉的意思，也不知道该怎么办。他说了又说，安迪默默听着，脸上没有表情。小餐馆里面只有他们两个顾客，窗外的雪下得更大更急。他觉得自己虽然焦虑，内心深处却很平静，很高兴自己可以找个人说出来，而且这个人跟他和裘德都认识很多年了。“我知道这件事好像很奇怪，”他说，“我也想过这可能会是什么。安迪，我真的想过。但有一部分的我也在想，是不是一直以来就该这样发展；我的意思是，我一直在跟不同的人交往，到现在也超过二十年了，总是定不下来的原因，是不是我本来就不会定下来，因为我注定要跟他在一起。或许这是我对自己的说法，或许只是出于好奇。但我觉得不是，我觉得我了解的自己不是那样，”他叹了口气，“你觉得我该怎么办？”

　 Andy was quiet for a while. “First,” he said, “I don’t think it’s strange, Willem. I think it makes sense in a lot of ways. You two have always had something different, something unusual. So—I always wondered, despite your girlfriends.

安迪沉默了一会儿。“首先，”他说，“我不认为这很奇怪，威廉。我觉得从很多方面来说，这样都很合理。你们两个之间一直有一种很不一样、很独特的感情。所以……我以前总是很好奇，尽管你有那些女朋友。

　 “Selfishly, I think it’d be wonderful: for you, but especially for him. I think if you wanted to be in a relationship with him, it’d be the greatest, most restorative gift he could ever get.

“自私一点讲，我觉得这样很棒：对你是如此，对他尤其是。我想如果你想跟他成为伴侣，对他而言，是最有助于让他恢复健康的礼物了。

　 “But Willem, if you do this, you should go in prepared to make some sort of commitment to him, and to being with him, because you’re right: you’re not going to be able to just fool around and then get out of it. And I think you should know that it’s going to be very, very hard. You’re going to have to get him to trust you all over again, and to see you in a different way. I don’t think I’m betraying anything when I say that it’s going to be very tough for him to be intimate with you, and you’re going to have to be really patient with him.”

“但是威廉，如果你要投入，你就得准备好对他、对这段关系有某种承诺，因为你说得没错：你不能只是跟他玩一玩，哪天又说不玩了。而且我想你应该要知道，经营这段伴侣关系会非常、非常辛苦。你得从头开始让他信任你，用不同的眼光看待你。接下来我要说的，我不认为违反了医生与病人之间的保密协议，我认为跟你有亲密关系对他来说会非常困难，所以你必须对他非常有耐心才行。”

　 They were both silent. “So if I do it, I should do so thinking it’s going to be forever,” he told Andy, and Andy looked at him for a few seconds and then smiled.

他们两个都沉默了一会儿。“所以如果我要做这件事，就应该想清楚这会是一辈子的事。”他告诉安迪，安迪看着他几秒钟，然后露出微笑。

　 “Well,” Andy said, “there are worse life sentences.”

“这个嘛，”安迪说，“有的无期徒刑还更惨呢。”

　 “True,” he said.

“没错。”他说。

　 He went back to Greene Street. April arrived, and Jude returned home. They celebrated Jude’s birthday—“Forty-three,” Harold sighed, “I vaguely remember forty-three”—and he began shooting his next project. An old friend of his, a woman he’d known since graduate school, was starring in the production as well—he was playing a corrupt detective, and she was playing his wife—and they slept together a few times. Everything marched along as it always had. He worked; he came home to Greene Street; he thought about what Andy had said.

他回到格林街。四月到来，裘德结束出差回家。他们庆祝裘德的生日——“43岁，”哈罗德叹口气说，“我都不太记得43岁的事情了。”——之后他开始拍下一部电影。主演的女星是个老友，他研究生时期就认识了。他饰演一个腐败的警探，而她饰演他太太。他们两个上了几次床。日子一如往常地过下去，他工作，收工后回到格林街，想着安迪说的那些话。

　 And then one Saturday morning he woke very early, just as the sky was brightening. It was late May, and the weather was unpredictable: some days it felt like March, other days, like July. Ninety feet away from him lay Jude. And suddenly his timidity, his confusion, his dithering seemed silly. He was home, and home was Jude. He loved him; he was meant to be with him; he would never hurt him—he trusted himself with that much. And so what was there to fear?

一个星期六的早晨，天才刚亮，他就醒了。那是五月底，天气变幻莫测：有时感觉像三月，有时又像七月。裘德就躺在离他九十英尺处。忽然间，他的胆怯、他的困惑、他的犹豫不决似乎都显得很愚蠢。他在家里，而家就是裘德。他爱他；他注定要跟他在一起；他永远不会伤害他——这一点他有把握。所以还有什么好怕的？