《渺小一生》:“你的朋友怎么说？”

　 “Right,” he says. This has happened to him a few times before, and he always finds it unsettling. “I know exactly the one you mean; it’s from ‘Seconds, Minutes, Hours, Days’—the third series.”

这种事他以前也碰到过几回，总是让他很不安。“没错。”他说，“我知道你说的是哪一幅，那是‘秒，分，时，日’——他的第三次个展。”

　 “That’s right,” says Caleb, and smiles at him. “Are you and Marion close?”

“没错。”凯莱布说，朝他微笑，“你跟马里昂很熟吗？”

　 “Not so much anymore,” he says, and as always, it hurts him to admit it. “But we were college roommates—I’ve known him for years.”

“现在没什么来往了，”他说，一如往常地心痛，“不过我们是大学室友，我认识他很久了。”

　 “It’s a great series,” Caleb says, and they talk about JB’s other work, and Richard, whose work Caleb also knows, and Asian Henry Young; and about the paucity of decent Japanese restaurants in London; and about Caleb’s sister, who lives in Monaco with her second husband and their huge brood of children; and about Caleb’s parents, who died, after long illnesses, when he was in his thirties; and about the house in Bridgehampton that Caleb’s law school classmate is letting him use this summer while he’s in L.A. And then there is enough talk of Rosen Pritchard, and the financial mess that Rothko has been left in by the departing CEO to convince him that Caleb is looking not just for a friend but potentially for representation as well, and he starts thinking about who at the firm should be responsible for the company. He thinks: I should give this to Evelyn, who is one of the young partners the firm nearly lost the previous year to, in fact, a fashion house, where she would have been their in-house counsel. Evelyn would be good for this account—she is smart and she is interested in the industry, and it would be a good match.

“那个系列很棒。”凯莱布说，于是他们聊了杰比的其他作品，凯莱布也看过理查德的作品，还有亚裔亨利·杨；聊到伦敦好的日本餐厅实在很少；另外又聊到凯莱布的妹妹，现在跟她第二任丈夫和一大窝子女住在摩纳哥；聊到凯莱布的父母，生了很久的病，在他三十来岁时过世；又聊到今年夏天凯莱布法学院的老同学去了洛杉矶，把位于长岛汉普顿桥的那栋房子让给他使用。另外，他们也聊了很多罗普克律师事务所，以及罗思科前任执行长留下来的财务烂摊子，这让他相信凯莱布不光是想找个朋友，也在物色他们公司的法律代表，于是他开始思索事务所里谁应该负责这家公司。他想着：应该交给艾芙琳，她是比较年轻的合伙人之一，前一年差点离开，打算跳槽去一家时装公司当法务部主管。艾芙琳会表现得很好，她很聪明，而且对时装业很有兴趣，非常适合这家公司。

　 He is thinking this when Caleb abruptly asks, “Are you single?” And then, laughing, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

他正在想这件事，凯莱布忽然问：“你单身吗？”然后笑了起来，“你干吗那样看我？”

　 “Sorry,” he says, startled, but smiling back. “I am, yes. But—I was just having this very conversation with my friend.”

“对不起。”他说，很吃惊，但还是露出微笑，“没错，我是单身。不过我才刚跟我的朋友谈过这件事。”

　 “And what did your friend say?”

“你的朋友怎么说？”

　 “He said—” he begins, but then stops, embarrassed, and confused by the sudden shift of topic, of tone. “Nothing,” he says, and Caleb smiles, almost as if he has actually recounted the conversation, but doesn’t press him. He thinks then how he will make this evening into a story to tell Willem, especially this most recent exchange. You win, Willem, he’ll say to him, and if Willem tries to bring up the subject again, he decides he’ll let him, and that this time, he won’t evade his questions.

“他说……”他开口，随即停了下来，觉得很尴尬；凯莱布忽然改变话题及口气，让他很困惑，“没什么。”他说。凯莱布微笑，没继续逼问他。此时，他想着要怎么把今晚的事告诉威廉，尤其是刚刚这段。他会告诉他，你赢了，威廉。如果威廉又提起这个话题，他决定就让他提吧。这回，他不会再逃避他的提问了。

　 He pays and they walk outside, where it is raining, not heavily, but steadily enough so that there are no cabs, and the streets gleam like licorice. “I have a car waiting,” Caleb says. “Can I drop you somewhere?”

他付了账，两人走到外头，发现正下着雨。虽然不大，但已经下了好一阵子，所以没有出租车，而且街道闪着微光，像是甘草绳糖。“我有辆车在等，”凯莱布说，“要不要我送你一程？”

　 “You don’t mind?”

“你不介意吗？”

　 “Not at all.”

“一点也不。”

　 The car takes them downtown, and by the time they’ve reached Greene Street it’s pouring, so hard that they can no longer discern shapes through the window, just colors, spangles of red and yellow lights, the city reduced to the honking of horns and the clatter of rain against the roof of the car, so loud that they can barely hear each other over the din. They stop and he’s about to get out when Caleb tells him to wait, he has an umbrella and will walk him into the building, and before he can object, Caleb is getting out and unsnapping an umbrella, and the two of them huddle beneath it and into the lobby, the door thudding shut behind him, leaving them standing in the darkened entryway.

那辆车载着他们到下城，抵达格林街时，已经是倾盆大雨，大到看不出车窗外的任何形状，只看得到颜色，亮片般的红色和黄色的灯，整个城市只剩下喇叭声和打在车顶的哗啦雨声，吵得他们几乎听不到彼此讲话。车子停下来，他正要下车，但凯莱布叫他等一下，说他有雨伞，要陪他走进去。他还来不及反对，凯莱布已经下车打开雨伞，两个人挤在雨伞下走进大楼，门在他后方轰然关上，他们站在黑暗的走廊上。

　 “This is a hell of a lobby,” Caleb says, dryly, looking up at the bare bulb. “Although it does have a sort of end-of-empire chic,” and he laughs, and Caleb smiles. “Does Rosen Pritchard know you’re living in a place like this?” he asks, and then, before he can answer, Caleb leans in and kisses him, very hard, so that his back is pressed against the door, and Caleb’s arms make a cage around him.

“这个大厅还真特别呢。”凯莱布讽刺地说，抬头看着那个电灯泡，“不过的确有种帝国末日的雅致。”他大笑起来，凯莱布也笑了，“罗普克知道你住在这样的地方吗？”凯莱布问。他还没来得及回答，凯莱布就靠过来吻他，力道之大，让他整个背部靠在门上，而凯莱布用双臂圈住他。

　 In that moment, he goes blank, the world, his very self, erasing themselves. It has been a long, long time since anyone has kissed him, and he remembers the sense of helplessness he felt whenever it happened, and how Brother Luke used to tell him to just open his mouth and relax and do nothing, and now—out of habit and memory, and the inability to do anything else—that is what he does, and waits for it to be over, counting the seconds and trying to breathe through his nose.

那一刻，他脑中一片空白，整个世界，还有他自己，全部自行消失。已经好久好久没有人亲吻他了，他想起以前被亲吻时那种无助的感觉，还有卢克修士总是告诉他只要张开嘴放松就好，于是现在——出于习惯和记忆，并且无能为力做其他事——他就张开嘴放松，等着这个吻结束，数着一秒秒过去，设法用鼻子呼吸。

　 Finally, Caleb steps back and looks at him, and after a while, he looks back. And then Caleb does it again, this time holding his face between his hands, and he has that sensation he always had when he was a child and was being kissed, that his body was not his own, that every gesture he made was predetermined, reflex after reflex after reflex, and that he could do nothing but succumb to whatever might happen to him next.

终于，凯莱布往后退，看着他，过了一会儿，他才抬头迎视。然后凯莱布又吻他，这回用双手捧着他的脸，他又有了小时候每次被吻会有的那种感觉，觉得身体不是自己的，每个姿势都是预先决定的，是一个接一个的反射动作，不管接下来发生什么，他都只能屈服。

　 Caleb stops a second time and steps back again, looking at him and raising his eyebrows the way he had at Rhodes’s dinner, waiting for him to say something.

凯莱布又停下来，再度往后退，看着他，像在罗兹家晚餐桌上那样抬起双眉，等着他开口说话。

　 “I thought you were looking for legal representation,” he says at last, and the words are so idiotic that he can feel his face get hot.

“我以为你是要找法律代表。”最后他终于说。这句话实在太白痴了，他觉得脸烫起来。

　 But Caleb doesn’t laugh. “No,” he says. There is another long silence, and it is Caleb who speaks next. “Aren’t you going to invite me up?” he asks.

可是凯莱布没笑，“不是。”他说。两人又沉默了好一会儿，最后是凯莱布开口：“你不打算邀请我上楼吗？”他问。

　 “I don’t know,” he says, and he wishes, suddenly, for Willem, although this is not the sort of problem that Willem has helped him with before, and in fact, probably not the sort of problem that Willem would even consider a problem at all. He knows what a stolid, careful person he is, and although that stolidity and sense of caution guarantee he will never be the most interesting, or provocative, or glittery person in any gathering, in any room, they have protected him so far, they have given him an adulthood free of sordidness and filth. But sometimes he wonders whether he has insulated himself so much that he has neglected some essential part of being human: maybe he is ready to be with someone. Maybe enough time has passed so it will be different. Maybe he is wrong, maybe Willem is right: maybe this isn’t an experience that is forbidden to him forever. Maybe he is less disgusting than he thinks. Maybe he really is capable of this. Maybe he won’t be hurt after all. Caleb seems, in that moment, to have been conjured, djinn-like, the offspring of his worst fears and greatest hopes, and dropped into his life as a test: On one side is everything he knows, the patterns of his existence as regular and banal as the steady plink of a dripping faucet, where he is alone but safe, and shielded from everything that could hurt him. On the other side are waves, tumult, rainstorms, excitement: everything he cannot control, everything potentially awful and ecstatic, everything he has lived his adult life trying to avoid, everything whose absence bleeds his life of color. Inside him, the creature hesitates, perching on its hind legs, pawing the air as if feeling for answers.

“我不知道。”他说，突然希望威廉能帮他，虽然这不是威廉常帮他解决的那类问题。事实上，威廉大概根本不觉得这是问题。他知道自己是个多么淡漠、小心的人，尽管这种淡漠和警觉害他绝对不会成为任何聚会、任何房间里最有趣、最兴奋或最受瞩目的人，但到目前为止都保护了他，给他一段远离丑恶和污秽的成年时光。但有时他不免纳闷是否把自己保护过头了，忽视了身为人类的某些基本要素。或许他现在准备好有个伴了。或许已经隔了够久的时间，往后会不一样。或许他错了，或许威廉对了。或许他不需要永远禁绝这种经验。或许他不像自己想的那么令人厌恶。或许这回他真的可以。或许到头来他不会被伤害。那一刻，凯莱布似乎是魔法变出来的，像阿拉伯神话中的精灵，是他最严重的恐惧和最大的希望催生出来的，在这个时刻降临到他的生活里来考验他：一边是他所熟知的一切，是他既有的模式，规律而平淡乏味得像是漏水的水龙头发出的叮咚声响，他独自一人但很安全，把所有可能伤害他的事物挡在外面；另一边则是波涛、骚动、暴风雨、刺激，他无法控制的一切，有可能变得非常糟糕或令他狂喜的一切，他成年生活试图避开的一切，因为缺失而让他的生活失去色彩的一切。在他心中，那个活物犹豫着，立起两只前腿扒着空气，像是要寻找答案。

　 Don’t do it, don’t fool yourself, no matter what you tell yourself, you know what you are, says one voice.

别去做，别欺骗自己了，无论你怎么告诉自己，你都知道自己是什么，一个声音说。