《渺小一生》:“这个就是你想要做的
“No, Willem, of course not. I’m just guessing. From my vast experience with women, you know.”
“没有，威廉，当然没有。我只是猜想。从我对女人的广泛经验，你知道。”
Later, when Willem and Philippa broke up, he would feel as guilty as if he had been solely to blame. But even before that, he had wondered whether Willem, too, had come to realize that no serious girlfriend would tolerate his constant presence in Willem’s life; he wondered whether Willem was trying to make alternative plans for him, so he didn’t end up living in a cottage on the property he’d someday have with his wife, so he wouldn’t be Willem’s sad bachelor friend, a useless reminder of his forsaken, childish life. I will be alone, he decided. He wouldn’t be the one to ruin Willem’s chances for happiness: he wanted Willem to have the orchard and the termite-nibbled house and the grandchildren and the wife who was jealous of his company and attention. He wanted Willem to have everything he deserved, everything he desired. He wanted every day of his to be free of worries and obligations and responsibilities—even if that worry and obligation and responsibility was him.
后来，威廉和菲莉帕分手时，他内疚得好像一切都该怪自己。但即使在此之前，他就很好奇威廉是否也明白，不会有任何一个认真的女朋友能容忍他在威廉的生活里无处不在；他很好奇威廉是不是该试着为他拟定别的计划，免得他最后还要住在他和他太太的小屋里，免得他成为威廉可悲的单身汉朋友，徒劳地提醒他过往的幼稚生活。我会孤单一个人，他断定。他不会毁掉威廉幸福的机会：他希望威廉有果园、白蚁蛀蚀的房子、孙子孙女和嫉妒他的太太。他希望威廉得到应得的和渴望的一切。他希望威廉的每一天都没有担忧、义务和责任，即使那些担忧、义务和责任是针对他的。
The following week, Richard’s father—a tall, smiling, pleasant man he’d met at Richard’s first show, three years ago—sent him the contract, which he had a law school classmate, a real estate lawyer, review in tandem with him, and the building’s engineering report, which he gave to Malcolm. The price had almost nauseated him, but his classmate said he had to do it: “This is an unbelievable deal, Jude. You will never, never, never find something that size in that neighborhood for this amount of money.” And after reviewing the report, and then the space, Malcolm told him the same thing: Buy it.
隔周，理查德的父亲（三年前，他在理查德的第一次个展上碰到过，是个高大、爱笑、和蔼可亲的人）把合约和那栋楼的工程报告寄给他。他找了当房地产律师的法学院同学帮忙看合约，自己也看了；工程报告则交给马尔科姆帮忙看。那层公寓的价钱让他差点吐出来，但他同学叫他一定要买：“这种价钱实在不可思议，裘德。你在那一带绝对、绝对、绝对找不到这么大又这么便宜的地方了。”马尔科姆看过工程报告，又亲自去现场看过那个空间，也告诉他同样的结论：买下来。
So he did. And although he and the Goldfarbs had worked out a leisurely ten-year payment schedule, an interest-free rent-to-own plan, he was determined to pay the apartment off as soon as he could. Every two weeks, he allotted half of his paycheck to the apartment, and the other half to his savings and living expenses. He told Harold he had moved during their weekly phone call (“Thank Christ,” Harold said: he had never liked Lispenard Street), but didn’t tell him he had bought a place, because he didn’t want Harold to feel obligated to offer him money for it. From Lispenard Street he brought only his mattress and lamp and the table and a chair, all of which he arranged into one corner of the space. At nights, he would sometimes look up from his work and think what a ludicrous decision this had been: How could he ever fill so much room? How would it ever feel like his? He was reminded of Boston, of Hereford Street, and how there, he had dreamed only of a bedroom, of a door he might someday close. Even when he was in Washington, clerking for Sullivan, he had slept in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment he shared with a legislative assistant whom he rarely saw—Lispenard Street had been the first time in his life that he’d had a room, a real room with a real window, wholly to himself. But a year after he moved into Greene Street, Malcolm installed the walls, and the place began to feel a little more comfortable, and the year after that, Willem moved in, and it felt more comfortable still. He saw less of Richard than he thought he might—they were both traveling frequently—but on Sunday evenings, he would sometimes go down to his studio and help him with one of his projects, polishing a bunch of small branches smooth with a leaf of sandpaper, or snipping the rachis off the vane from a fluff of peacock feathers. Richard’s studio was the sort of place he would have loved as a child—everywhere were containers and bowls of marvelous things: twigs and stones and dried beetles and feathers and tiny, bright-hued taxidermied birds and blocks in various shapes made of some soft pale wood—and at times he wished he could be allowed to abandon his work and simply sit on the floor and play, which he had usually been too busy to do as a boy.
于是他买了。尽管他和理查德家讲好一个轻松的十年付款期，免利息、租金抵房款，但他决心尽快付清。每两个星期，他就把半数的薪资支票拿去付公寓的房款，另一半才用于储蓄和日常开支。他在跟哈罗德的周末例行通话中说他搬家了（“感谢老天。”哈罗德当时说，他从来就没喜欢过利斯本纳街那栋公寓），但没提到自己买下了一层公寓，因为他不希望哈罗德觉得该资助他买房。他从利斯本纳街只带来了他的床垫、一盏灯、桌子、一张椅子，全摆在新家的角落。到了夜里，他有时工作到一半，会抬头看看，想着这个决定多么荒唐：他怎么有可能填满这么大的空间？这里怎么可能属于他？他想到多年前住在波士顿的赫里福德街，当时他只梦想能有自己的卧室，有扇可以关上的门。即使在华盛顿当沙利文法官的助理时，他都还只能跟某国会议员的立法助理合租只有一间卧室的公寓，他睡客厅，而且很少看到室友。所以利斯本纳街是他生平第一次有自己的房间，是真正的房间，有真正的窗户，完全属于他。但搬到格林街一年后，马尔科姆装好了隔间的墙壁，整个地方开始让他觉得舒适了一点。再过一年，威廉搬进来，感觉上就更舒适了。他见到理查德的机会比原来以为的少，因为两人都常常到外地出差或旅行，但在星期天晚上，他有时会下楼去理查德的工作室帮点小忙，用砂纸把小树枝磨得光滑，或者剪掉孔雀羽毛的中轴。理查德的工作室是他小时候会很喜欢的地方——到处是容器或大钵，装着令人惊叹的各种小东西：树枝、石头、干掉的甲虫、羽毛、颜色鲜艳的小鸟标本，还有用白色软木材制成的各种形状的积木——有时他真希望自己可以丢开工作，坐在地板上玩，因为他小时候总是忙着做各种杂务，没办法这样玩。
By the end of the third year, he had paid for the apartment, and had immediately begun saving for the renovation. This took less time than he’d thought it would, in part because of something that had happened with Andy. He’d gone uptown one day for his appointment, and Andy had walked in, looking grim and yet oddly triumphant.
住满三年时他付清了房款，又立刻开始为装修存钱。花的时间比他原先预估的短，一部分原因是跟安迪之间发生的一些事。他有天去上城安迪的诊所复诊，安迪走进来，表情严肃，但又有种奇异的得意。
“What?” he’d asked, and Andy had silently handed him a magazine article he’d sliced out of a journal. He read it: it was an academic report about how a recently developed semi-experimental laser surgery that had held great promise as a solution for damageless keloid removal was now proven to have adverse medium-term effects: although the keloids were eliminated, patients instead developed raw, burn-like wounds, and the skin beneath the scars became significantly more fragile, more susceptible to splitting and cracking, which resulted in blisters and infection.
“怎么了？”他问，安迪沉默地把一篇杂志上剪下的文章递给他。他读了。那是一份学术报告，主题是一种近年开发的半实验性激光手术，原先很有希望以无伤害性的方式去除蟹足肿疤痕，但现在证明会有中长期的不良反应：虽然可以去除蟹足肿，但病患会生出有如灼伤的破皮伤口，而且疤痕底下的皮肤会明显变得更脆弱、更容易裂开，造成水泡和感染。
“This is what you’re thinking of doing, isn’t it?” Andy asked him, as he sat holding the pages in his hand, unable to speak. “I know you, Judy. And I know you made an appointment at that quack Thompson’s office. Don’t deny it; they called for your chart. I didn’t send it. Please don’t do this, Jude. I’m serious. The last thing you need are open wounds on your back as well as your legs.” And then, when he didn’t say anything, “Talk to me.”
“这个就是你想要做的，对吧？”安迪问他，但他只是坐在那里，手里拿着那份报告，说不出话来。“我了解你，小裘。而且我知道你去过那个庸医汤普森的诊所。别否认！他们打过电话来要你的病历，我没给。拜托别去做，裘德。我说真的。你最不需要的就是背部和腿上都有开放性伤口。”然后，看他什么都不说，“你说话啊。”
He shook his head. Andy was right: he had been saving for this as well. Like his annual bonuses and most of his savings, all the money he’d made long ago from tutoring Felix had been given over to the apartment, but in recent months, as it was clear he was closing in on his final payments, he had begun saving anew for the surgery. He had it all worked out: he’d have the surgery and then he’d finish saving for the renovation. He had visions of it—his back made as smooth as the floors themselves, the thick, unbudgeable worm trail of scars vaporized in seconds, and with it, all evidence of his time in the home and in Philadelphia, the documentation of those years erased from his body. He tried so hard to forget, he tried every day, but as much as he tried, there it was to remind him, proof that what he pretended hadn’t happened, actually had.
他摇摇头。安迪说得没错：他一直在为这个手术存钱。他每年的分红奖金和大部分存款，还有他多年前当菲利克斯的家教赚来的钱，都拿去付那间公寓的房款了，但近几个月，确定即将付掉最后一笔分期房款之后，他就开始为手术存钱了。他全都算好了：他会动手术，再存装修的钱。他想象着未来的样子——他手术后的背部光滑无痕，原先那些厚厚的、无法改变的、蠕虫般的疤痕会在几秒钟之内蒸发，而他在少年之家和费城待过的所有证据，也会随着疤痕消失，那几年的记录都会从他的身上抹去。他那么努力想要忘掉，每天都在努力，但无论怎么样，都有那些疤痕在提醒他，证明他假装没有发生过的事情，其实是确确实实发生过的。
“Jude,” Andy said, sitting next to him on the examining table. “I know you’re disappointed. And I promise you that when there’s a treatment available that’s both effective and safe, I’ll let you know. I know it bothers you; I’m always looking out for something for you. But right now there isn’t anything, and I can’t in good conscience let you do this to yourself.” He was quiet; they both were. “I suppose I should have asked you this more frequently, Jude, but—do they hurt you? Do they cause you any discomfort? Does the skin feel tight?”
“裘德，”安迪说，在诊疗台他旁边坐下，“我知道你很失望。我保证等到有安全又有效的治疗方法出现的时候，我会告诉你的。我知道那些疤痕很困扰你，我一直在帮你留意这方面的信息，但眼前实在什么办法都没有。如果让你去动这个手术，我会良心不安的。”他没说话，两人都静了下来，“裘德，我想我应该更常问你的——这些疤会痛吗？会不会不舒服呢？皮肤会不会觉得紧绷？”
He nodded. “Look, Jude,” Andy said after a pause. “There are some creams I can give you that’ll help with that, but you’re going to need someone to help massage them in nightly, or it’s not going to be effective. Would you let someone do this for you? Willem? Richard?”
他点点头。“听我说，裘德，”安迪暂停一下说，“我可以给你一些按摩药膏，对除疤会有帮助，但是你需要有个人每晚帮你按摩，否则不会有效。你愿意让谁帮你吗？威廉？理查德？”
“I can’t,” he said, speaking to the magazine article in his hands.
“我没办法。”他说，低头看着他手上的那篇文章。
“Well,” said Andy. “I’ll write you a scrip anyway, and I’ll show you how to do it—don’t worry, I asked an actual dermatologist, this isn’t some method I’ve made up—but I can’t say how efficacious it’s going to be on your own.” He slid off the table. “Will you open your gown for me and turn toward the wall?”
“好吧，”安迪说，“我还是会开处方给你，也会教你怎么用——别担心，我已经问过一位皮肤科医生，这个疗法不是我乱编出来的——但我不知道对你会多有效。”他滑下诊疗台，“你可以打开检查袍，转向墙壁吗？”
He did, and felt Andy’s hands on his shoulders, and then moving slowly across his back. He thought Andy might say, as he sometimes did, “It’s not so bad, Jude,” or “You don’t have anything to be self-conscious about,” but this time he didn’t, just trailed his hands across him, as if his palms were themselves lasers, something that was hovering over him and healing him, the skin beneath them turning healthy and unmarked. Finally Andy told him he could cover himself again, and he did, and turned back around. “I’m really sorry, Jude,” Andy said, and this time, it was Andy who couldn’t look at him.
他照做了，感觉到安迪的双手放在他肩膀上，然后缓缓摸过他的背部。他以为安迪可能会像平常那样告诉他，“其实没那么糟糕，裘德”或是“你没有什么好难为情的”，但这回他没说，只是双手抚过他的背部，好像他的手掌本身就是激光，在他背部上方徘徊治愈着他，让那双手底下的皮肤逐渐变得健康无痕。最后安迪跟他说他可以把检查袍穿好，于是他穿好、转过身来。“裘德，我真的很抱歉。”安迪说，这回是安迪不敢看他。
“Do you want to grab something to eat?” Andy asked after the appointment was over, as he was putting his clothes back on, but he shook his head: “I should go back to the office.” Andy was quiet then, but as he was leaving, he stopped him. “Jude,” he said, “I really am sorry. I don’t like being the one who has to destroy your hopes.” He nodded—he knew Andy didn’t—but in that moment, he couldn’t stand being around him, and wanted only to get away.
看诊完毕，他把衣服换回去时，安迪问他：“要不要去吃点东西？”但他摇摇头：“我该回办公室了。”安迪没说话，但他要离开时，安迪叫住他，“裘德，”他说，“我真的很抱歉，我不想当非得摧毁你希望的那个人。”他点点头，心里知道安迪不喜欢，但在那一刻，他实在受不了跟安迪在一起，只想赶快离开。
However, he reminds himself—he is determined to be more realistic, to stop thinking he can make himself better—the fact that he can’t get this surgery means he now has the money for Malcolm to begin the renovation in earnest. Over the years he has owned the apartment, he has witnessed Malcolm grow both bolder and more imaginative in his work, and so the plans he drew when he first bought the place have been changed and revised and improved upon multiple times: in them, he can see the development of what even he can recognize as an aesthetic confidence, a self-assured idiosyncracy. Shortly before he began working at Rosen Pritchard and Klein, Malcolm had quit his job at Ratstar, and with two of his former colleagues and Sophie, an acquaintance of his from architecture school, had founded a firm called Bellcast; their first commission had been the renovation of the pied-à-terre of one of Malcolm’s parents’ friends. Bellcast did mostly residential work, but last year they had been awarded their first significant public commission, for a photography museum in Doha, and Malcolm—like Willem, like himself—was absent from the city more and more frequently.
总之，他提醒自己——他决心要变得更实际，不要再想着可以让自己好转——他不能动这个手术，就表示他现在有钱付给马尔科姆，可以开始装修公寓了。拥有公寓的这几年来，他亲眼见证了马尔科姆在工作上变得更大胆也更有想象力，所以马尔科姆一开始的设计图几经变动、修订和改进：从这些设计图中，连他都能看得出马尔科姆逐渐发展出一种审美上的自信，一种胸有成竹。他刚跳槽到罗普克不久，马尔科姆就从瑞司塔建筑师事务所辞职，跟以前的两个同事以及建筑研究所时认识的苏菲一起创办了“钟模”建筑师事务所；他们的第一个委托案是帮马尔科姆父母一个老友的备用小公寓装修。“钟模”接的案子大部分是住宅，不过去年他们第一个重要的公共委托案得奖了，是多哈的一座摄影博物馆，而马尔科姆就像威廉和他自己，越来越不常在纽约了。
“Never underestimate the importance of having rich parents, I guess,” some asshole at one of JB’s parties had grumbled, sourly, when he heard that Bellcast had been the runners-up in a competition to design a memorial in Los Angeles for Japanese Americans who had been interned in the war, and JB had started shouting at him before he and Willem had a chance; the two of them had smiled at each other over JB’s head, proud of him for defending Malcolm so vehemently.
“我想，绝对不要低估父母有钱的重要性。”某个混蛋有回在杰比的派对上酸溜溜地发牢骚，因为那人听说，在洛杉矶为二战时被囚禁的日裔美国人设立的纪念碑竞图比赛中，“钟模”得到了第二名。当时他和威廉还没来得及开口，杰比就开始吼那个混蛋；他和威廉隔着杰比的头相视微笑，因为他这么强烈地捍卫马尔科姆而觉得骄傲。
And so he has watched as, with each new revised blueprint for Greene Street, hallways have materialized and then vanished, and the kitchen has grown larger and then smaller, and bookcases have gone from stretching along the northern wall, which has no windows, to the southern wall, which does, and then back again. One of the renderings eliminated walls altogether—“It’s a loft, Judy, and you should respect its integrity,” Malcolm had argued with him, but he had been firm: he needed a bedroom; he needed a door he could close and lock—and in another, Malcolm had tried to block up the southern-facing windows entirely, which had been the reason he had chosen the sixth-floor unit to begin with, and which Malcolm later admitted had been an idiotic idea. But he enjoys watching Malcolm work, is touched that he has spent so much time—more than he himself has—thinking about how he might live. And now it is going to happen. Now he has enough saved for Malcolm to indulge even his most outlandish design fantasies. Now he has enough for every piece of furniture Malcolm has ever suggested he might get, for every carpet and vase.
于是，根据格林街公寓每次新修订的蓝图，他看到走廊出现又消失，厨房变大又缩小，原先沿着没窗户的北墙排列的书架搬到有窗户的南墙边，然后又搬了回去。其中有一回的蓝图把所有墙壁全部取消了。“这里原先是仓库，没有隔间的，小裘，你应该要尊重原来的完整性。”马尔科姆跟他争辩，但他很坚持：他需要一间卧室，他需要一扇可以关起来锁上的门。另外一回，马尔科姆想把南边的窗户全部封起来，但这些窗子是他当初选择买六楼的原因，后来马尔科姆也承认那个主意很白痴。不过他乐于看马尔科姆工作，很感动这位好友花那么多时间（超过他自己花的时间），思考他日后会如何生活。而现在这一切就要成真了。现在他有足够的存款让马尔科姆充分发挥，就连他最古怪的设计幻想都可以满足。现在他有足够的钱去买马尔科姆建议购买的每一种家具、每一张地毯、每一个花瓶。
These days, he argues with Malcolm about his most recent plans. The last time they reviewed the sketches, three months ago, he had noticed an element around the toilet in the master bathroom that he couldn’t identify. “What’s that?” he’d asked Malcolm.
近日来，他常跟马尔科姆争辩他最新的设计。上回是三个月前，他们看草图时，他注意到主浴室里的一个元素他无法辨别。“那是什么？”他问马尔科姆。
“Grab bars,” Malcolm said, briskly, as if by saying it quickly it would become less significant. “Judy, I know what you’re going to say, but—” But he was already examining the blueprints more closely, peering at Malcolm’s tiny notations in the bathroom, where he’d added steel bars in the shower and around the bathtub as well, and in the kitchen, where he’d lowered the height of some of the countertops.
“安全扶手。”马尔科姆说得很快，好像说得快就可以变得没那么重要，“小裘，我知道你会说什么，可是……”但他已经更仔细地看过蓝图，望着马尔科姆在浴室里做的小小注记，显示淋浴间和浴缸周围也加上了钢制安全扶手，还有厨房里，有些料理台的高度被降低了。
“But I’m not even in a wheelchair,” he’d said, dismayed.
“但我现在根本没坐轮椅了。”他丧气地说。
