《渺小一生》:随着每一天过去，他就更信任哈罗德一点
Everyone laughed, and he did, too. He had been asked that question often (by Dr. Li, despairingly; by his master’s adviser, Dr. Kashen, perplexedly), and he always changed the answer to suit the audience, for the real answer—that he wanted to have the means to protect himself; that he wanted to make sure no one could ever reach him again—seemed too selfish and shallow and tiny a reason to say aloud (and would invite a slew of subsequent questions anyway). Besides, he knew enough now to know that the law was a flimsy form of protection: if he really wanted to be safe, he should have become a marksman squinting through an eyepiece, or a chemist in a lab with his pipettes and poisons.
大家都笑了起来，他也笑了。他常常被问到这个问题（李博士是绝望地问，他的硕士指导教授卡申博士则是困惑地问），而他总是会视谈话对象而改变答案，因为真正的答案——他想找到保护自己的手段，他想确保再也没有人可以找到他——似乎太自私、肤浅又琐碎，这种理由实在说不出口（而且会引起一大堆后续的追问）。此外，他现在已经懂得够多，知道法律的保护很脆弱：如果他真的想安全，他就该成为一个擅长狙击的神枪手，或是成为化学家，在实验室里面研究毒药。
That night, though, he said, “But law isn’t so unlike pure math, really—I mean, it too in theory can offer an answer to every question, can’t it? Laws of anything are meant to be pressed against, and stretched, and if they can’t provide solutions to every matter they claim to cover, then they aren’t really laws at all, are they?” He stopped to consider what he’d just said. “I suppose the difference is that in law, there are many paths to many answers, and in math, there are many paths to a single answer. And also, I guess, that law isn’t actually about the truth: it’s about governance. But math doesn’t have to be convenient, or practical, or managerial—it only has to be true.
不过那一晚，他说：“法学跟纯数学其实没有那么不同。我的意思是，理论上，法律可以为任何问题提供答案，不是吗？任何法律都经得起考验、可以适应各种情况。如果这些法律不能为自己涵盖范围内的所有事项提供解答，那就根本不算法律了，不是吗？”他停下来思索自己刚刚讲的，“我想，两者的差异是，法学里，有很多路径通向很多解答；而数学里，有很多路径通向同一个解答。同时，我猜想，法律的重点其实不在于真或假，而在于能否用于治理。但数学不必方便或实用，或可以管理，数学只需要为真。
“But I suppose the other way in which they’re alike is that in mathematics, as well as in law, what matters more—or, more accurately, what’s more memorable—is not that the case, or proof, is won or solved, but the beauty, the economy, with which it’s done.”
“但我想两者很像的另一点就是，数学跟法律一样，更重要的——更精确地说，是更让人难忘的——不是赢得一个案子，或证明一个定理，而是你的方式有多漂亮、简洁。”
“What do you mean?” asked Harold.
“什么意思？”哈罗德问。
“Well,” he said, “in law, we talk about a beautiful summation, or a beautiful judgment: and what we mean by that, of course, is the loveliness of not only its logic but its expression. And similarly, in math, when we talk about a beautiful proof, what we’re recognizing is the simplicity of the proof, its … elementalness, I suppose: its inevitability.”
“嗯，”他说，“在法律里，我们会谈到一个漂亮的法庭辩论总结，或是一个漂亮的判决，我们指的当然不光是其中的逻辑性，也是措辞表达的方式。同样，在数学中，我们谈到一个漂亮的证明法，我们欣赏的是其中的简单，那种基本的，也许是不可避免的必然性。”
“What about something like Fermat’s last theorem?” asked Julia.
“那么费马最后定理呢？”朱丽娅问。
“That’s a perfect example of a non-beautiful proof. Because while it was important that it was solved, it was, for a lot of people—like my adviser—a disappointment. The proof went on for hundreds of pages, and drew from so many disparate fields of mathematics, and was so—tortured, jigsawed, really, in its execution, that there are still many people at work trying to prove it in more elegant terms, even though it’s already been proven. A beautiful proof is succinct, like a beautiful ruling. It combines just a handful of different concepts, albeit from across the mathematical universe, and in a relatively brief series of steps, leads to a grand and new generalized truth in mathematics: that is, a wholly provable, unshakable absolute in a constructed world with very few unshakable absolutes.” He stopped to take a breath, aware, suddenly, that he had been talking and talking, and that the others were silent, watching him. He could feel himself flushing, could feel the old hatred fill him like dirtied water once more. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ramble on.”
“那是不漂亮证明的绝佳例子。证明出这个定理固然很重要，但是这个证明却让很多人失望了，比如我的指导教授。那个证明长达几百页，涉及了数学中许多迥然不同的领域，而且整个证明的方法太折磨人，简直是曲折。所以，虽然这个定理已经被证明了，但还是有很多人在努力，想用更简练的方式证明出来。一个漂亮的证明就像一个漂亮的裁决，是简洁明白的，只用上四五个跨越数学各领域的不同概念，而且用相对简短的步骤，就可以推导出数学里一个重大而具有普遍性的新定理，它完全可被证明、绝对无法被动摇。而在数学建构的世界里，很少有不可动摇的绝对真理。”他停下来喘口气，忽然意识到自己一直讲个不停，其他人都默默地看着他。他可以感觉到自己脸红起来，感觉到那古老的憎恨再度像脏水般淹没他。“对不起。”他道歉，“真对不起。我不是故意这样讲个不停的。”
“Are you joking?” said Laurence. “Jude, I think that was the first truly revelatory conversation I’ve had in Harold’s house in probably the last decade or more: thank you.”
“你在开玩笑吧？”劳伦斯说，“裘德，我想这大概是我在哈罗德家十年来第一次真正有启发性的谈话了。谢谢你。”
Everyone laughed again, and Harold leaned back in his chair, looking pleased. “See?” he caught Harold mouthing across the table to Laurence, and Laurence nodding, and he understood that this was meant about him, and was flattered despite himself, and shy as well. Had Harold talked about him to his friend? Had this been a test for him, a test he hadn’t known he was to take? He was relieved he had passed it, and that he hadn’t embarrassed Harold, and relieved too that, as uncomfortable as it sometimes made him, he might have fully earned his place in Harold’s house, and might be invited back again.
大家又笑了起来，哈罗德往后靠坐在椅子上，看起来很快乐。“看到没？”他不小心看到哈罗德的嘴型，他正无声地对着桌子对面的劳伦斯说话，而劳伦斯点点头。他明白这是在说他，心底忍不住得意起来，同时又觉得害羞。哈罗德跟他的朋友们谈过他吗？眼前这是在测试他，但他根本不知道自己在受测？他很庆幸自己过关了，没有给哈罗德丢脸。同时让他庆幸的是，尽管有时他会觉得不自在，他可能终于在哈罗德家赢得一席之地了，他可能会再度受邀。
With each day he trusted Harold a little more, and at times he wondered if he was making the same mistake again. Was it better to trust or better to be wary? Could you have a real friendship if some part of you was always expecting betrayal? He felt sometimes as if he was taking advantage of Harold’s generosity, his jolly faith in him, and sometimes as if his circumspection was the wise choice after all, for if it should end badly, he’d have only himself to blame. But it was difficult to not trust Harold: Harold made it difficult, and, just as important, he was making it difficult for himself—he wanted to trust Harold, he wanted to give in, he wanted the creature inside him to tuck itself into a sleep from which it would never wake.
随着每一天过去，他就更信任哈罗德一点，但偶尔又想着自己是否在犯同样的错误。去信任别人比较好，还是谨慎一点比较好？如果你心底有一部分总是在等着对方背叛，这样能建立真正的友谊吗？有时他觉得自己好像在利用哈罗德的慷慨，利用他对自己乐观的信心；但有时候，他又觉得谨慎是明智的选择，因为万一最后结束得很难看，他也只能怪自己。但要他不信任哈罗德真的好难，被哈罗德搞得很难，而且同样重要的是，也被他自己搞得很难。他想要信任哈罗德，他想要屈服，他想要他心底的那个活物乖乖去睡觉，再也不要醒来。
Late one night in his second year of law school he was at Harold’s, and when they opened the door, the steps, the street, the trees were hushed with snow, and the flakes cycloned toward the door, so fast that they both took a step backward.
法学院第二年的某一晚，他在哈罗德家待到很晚，最后打开门要离开时，台阶、街道、树木全都被白雪掩盖，雪花打着旋扑向门，风大得让他们两人都后退一步。
“I’ll call a cab,” he said, so Harold wouldn’t have to drive him.
“我打电话叫出租车。”他说，免得哈罗德还要开车送他回家。
“No, you won’t,” Harold said. “You’ll stay here.”
“不，不行。”哈罗德说，“你今晚就住在这里。”
And so he stayed in Harold and Julia’s spare bedroom on the second floor, separated from their room by a large windowed space they used as a library, and a brief hallway. “Here’s a T-shirt,” Harold said, lobbing something gray and soft at him, “and here’s a toothbrush.” He placed it on the bookcase. “There’s extra towels in the bathroom. Do you want anything else? Water?”
于是，他在哈罗德和朱丽娅家二楼的客房过夜。那个房间和主卧室之间隔着有窗子的大书房，还有一条短廊。“这是T恤。”哈罗德说，把一团灰色的柔软物件朝他抛过来，“这是牙刷。”他放在书架上，“浴室里有备用的毛巾。你还需要什么吗？水？”
“No,” he said. “Harold, thank you.”
“不用了。”他说，“哈罗德，谢谢你。”
“Of course, Jude. Good night.”
“别这么说，裘德。晚安了。”
“Good night.”
“晚安。”
He stayed awake for a while, the feather comforter wadded around him, the mattress plush beneath him, watching the window turn white, and listening to water glugging from the faucets, and Harold and Julia’s low, indistinguishable murmurs at each other, and one or the other of them padding from one place to another, and then, finally, nothing. In those minutes, he pretended that they were his parents, and he was home for the weekend from law school to visit them, and this was his room, and the next day he would get up and do whatever it was that grown children did with their parents.
他好一会儿都睡不着，盖着羽绒被，睡在柔软的床垫上，看着窗子被雪染成白色，听着水龙头咕嘟咕嘟的流水声，哈罗德和朱丽娅交谈的模糊低语，还有其中一人蹑手蹑脚走路的声音，然后，终于，什么都听不到了。在那些时刻，他假装他们是他的父母，而他周末从法学院回家来探望他们。这是他的房间，次日他会起床，做一些成年子女会陪父母做的事情。
The summer after that second year, Harold invited him to their house in Truro, on Cape Cod. “You’ll love it,” he said. “Invite your friends. They’ll love it, too.” And so on the Thursday before Labor Day, once his and Malcolm’s internships had ended, they all drove up to the house from New York, and for that long weekend, Harold’s attention shifted to JB and Malcolm and Willem. He watched them too, admiring how they could answer every one of Harold’s parries, how generous they were with their own lives, how they could tell stories about themselves that they laughed at and that made Harold and Julia laugh as well, how comfortable they were around Harold and how comfortable Harold was around them. He experienced the singular pleasure of watching people he loved fall in love with other people he loved. The house had a private walk down to a private spit of beach, and in the mornings the four of them would troop downhill and swim—even he did, in his pants and undershirt and an old oxford shirt, which no one bothered him about—and then lie on the sand baking, the wet clothes ungluing themselves from his body as they dried. Sometimes Harold would come and watch them, or swim as well. In the afternoons, Malcolm and JB would pedal off through the dunes on bicycles, and he and Willem would follow on foot, picking up bits of shaley shells and the sad carapaces of long-nibbled-away hermit crabs as they went, Willem slowing his pace to match his own. In the evenings, when the air was soft, JB and Malcolm sketched and he and Willem read. He felt doped, on sun and food and salt and contentment, and at night he fell asleep quickly and early, and in the mornings he woke before the others so he could stand on the back porch alone looking over the sea.
法学院第二年结束后的夏天，哈罗德邀请他到他们夫妇位于鳕鱼角特鲁罗的房子玩。“你会喜欢那里的。”他说，“请你的朋友一起来，他们也会喜欢的。”于是九月初劳动节前的那个星期四，他和马尔科姆的实习一结束，他们四个就一起从纽约开车北上去特鲁罗。在那个劳动节的长周末里，哈罗德的注意力转移到杰比、马尔科姆和威廉身上。他也在观察他们，很佩服他们可以回答哈罗德的每一个问题，欣赏他们对自己的人生这么大方，可以说出自己的故事让大家嘲笑，把哈罗德和朱丽娅逗得大笑。他看着他们在哈罗德身边那么自在，而哈罗德跟他们在一起也很自在。他体会到那种奇特的愉悦感，看着他所爱的这些人爱上彼此。那栋房子有一条私人步道，通往一小片海岬上的私人海滩。上午，他们四个会一起走到海滩去游泳（就连他也下水了，穿着他的长裤、汗衫加一件牛津纺衬衫），然后躺在沙子上烤干，感觉黏在身上的衣服逐渐干燥，剥离他的身体。有时哈罗德会过来看他们，或者跟着一起游泳。到了下午，马尔科姆和杰比会在沙丘间骑脚踏车，他和威廉则徒步跟在后头，捡拾贝壳碎片和寄居蟹的空壳，威廉会放慢速度配合他。到了晚上没那么热时，杰比和马尔科姆分别忙着素描，他和威廉则阅读。他觉得整个人被太阳、食物、盐和满足感弄得懒洋洋的，晚上总是很早、很快就睡着，早上他会比其他人先醒来，独自走到后阳台望着大海。
What is going to happen to me? he asked the sea. What is happening to me?
我以后会碰上什么事？他问大海，我现在碰上了什么事？
