《渺小一生》:“这太蠢了。”

　 That had been two months ago, and now they were standing in the cold on their roof, and that window was their only hope. “Fuck, fuck,” he groaned. His head hurt. “Just tell me how to do it, and I’ll open it.”

那是两个月前了，现在他们站在屋顶的寒风中，那扇窗子成了他们唯一的希望。“该死的，”他咕哝道，他的头好痛，“告诉我怎么做就好了，我会破解的。”

　 “It’s too difficult,” Jude said. By now they had forgotten Malcolm and JB were standing there, watching them, JB quiet for once. “I won’t be able to explain it.”

“太难了。”裘德说。此时他们已经忘记马尔科姆和杰比也站在旁边，看着他们，杰比难得没开口。“我没办法解释。”

　 “Yeah, I know you think I’m a fucking moron, but I can figure it out if you only use small words,” he snapped.

“是，我知道你认为我是个他妈的智障。不过如果你用简单的话解说，我听得懂的。”他凶巴巴地说。

　 “Willem,” said Jude, surprised, and there was a silence. “That’s not what I meant.”

“威廉，”裘德惊讶地说，然后顿了一下，“我不是这个意思。”

　 “I know,” he said. “Sorry. I know.” He took a deep breath. “Even if we were to do this, though—and I don’t think we should—how would we even lower you down?”

“我知道。”他说，“对不起，我知道。”他深吸一口气，“就算我们要用这个办法好了——我实在觉得不应该——那我们要怎么把你放下去？”

　 Jude walked to the edge of the roof, which was bordered on each side by a flat-topped shin-high wall, and peered over it. “I’ll sit on the wall looking out, directly above the fire escape,” he said. “Then you and JB should both sit by it. Each of you hold one of my hands with both of your own, and then you’ll lower me down. Once you can’t reach anymore, you’ll let go and I’ll drop the rest of the way.”

屋顶边缘的四周环绕着一道高至小腿的平顶矮墙。裘德走到屋顶边，往下看着墙。“我面朝外坐在这道墙上，就在防火梯正上方。”他说，“然后你和杰比两个人坐在墙里头，一人抓住我一只手，把我慢慢放下去。等到没办法再往下放了，就松手，让我跳下去。”

　 He laughed, it was so risky and dumb. “And if we did this, how would you reach the bedroom window?”

他大笑，这计划听起来又冒险又愚蠢：“如果我们成功了，你要怎么够到卧室的窗子？”

　 Jude looked at him. “You’re going to have to trust I can do it.”

裘德看着他：“你们只好相信我能做到了。”

　 “This is stupid.”

“这太蠢了。”

　 JB stopped him. “This is the only plan, Willem. It’s fucking freezing out here.”

杰比插嘴了：“威廉，这是唯一的方案了。这里他妈的冷死了。”

　 And it was; only his rage was keeping him warm. “Have you not noticed his whole fucking arm is completely bandaged up, JB?”

的确，他是靠着怒气才保持温暖的。“杰比，你没发现他有一整只手臂都他妈的包着绷带吗？”

　 “But I’m fine, Willem,” said Jude, before JB could respond.

“可是威廉，我没事。”裘德抢在杰比开口之前说。

　 It was ten more minutes of the two of them bickering until Jude finally marched back over to the edge. “If you won’t help me, Willem, Malcolm will,” he said, although Malcolm looked terrified as well.

他们两个又吵了十分钟，裘德才大步走到屋顶边缘。“威廉，如果你不帮我，马尔科姆会帮我的。”他说，虽然马尔科姆看起来也很害怕。

　 “No,” he said, “I will.” And so he and JB knelt and pressed themselves against the wall, each holding one of Jude’s hands with both of their own. By now it was so cold that he could barely feel his fingers close around Jude’s palm. He had Jude’s left hand, and all he could sense anyway was its cushion of gauze. As he squeezed it, an image of Andy’s face floated before him, and he was sick with guilt.

“不。”威廉说，“我会帮你。”于是他和杰比跪下来，身体靠着矮墙，用双手各抓住裘德的一只手。此时他的手指已经冻得快麻痹了，几乎感觉不到手指底下裘德的手掌。他握的是裘德的左手，唯一能感觉到的就是厚厚的绷带。当他用力握紧时，安迪的脸浮现在眼前，害他羞愧得想吐。

　 Jude pushed off the side of the ledge, and Malcolm gave a little moan that ended in a squeak. Willem and JB leaned over as far as they could, until they were in danger of tipping over the edge themselves, and when Jude called to them to let go, they did, and watched him land in a clatter on the slat-floored fire escape beneath them.

裘德的身子翻出了矮墙。马尔科姆轻轻呻吟一声，听起来像尖叫。威廉和杰比的身子尽可能往下探，直到他们自己也快要翻下去。此时裘德叫他们放手，他们照做，然后看着他哗的一声落在下方防火梯的铁栅平台上。

　 JB cheered, and Willem wanted to smack him. “I’m fine!” Jude shouted up to them, and waved his bandaged hand in the air like a flag, before moving over to the edge of the fire escape, where he pulled himself up onto its railing so he could start untangling the implement. He had his legs twined around one of the railing’s iron spindles, but his position was precarious, and Willem watched him sway a little, trying to keep his balance, his fingers moving slowly from numbness and cold.

杰比欢呼，威廉很想赏他一巴掌。“我没事！”裘德往上朝他们喊，同时举起包着绷带的手，像一面旗子一样挥舞着，然后走到防火梯平台的边缘，爬到栏杆上，开始破解窗子上的那个机关。他的双腿紧紧缠绕着一根栏杆，但那个姿势很危险，威廉看到他微微摇晃，想保持平衡，手指在寒风中缓缓移动着。

　 “Get me down there,” he said to Malcolm and JB, ignoring Malcolm’s fluttery protests, and then he went over the edge himself, calling down to Jude before he did so his arrival wouldn’t upset his equilibrium.

“把我也放下去。”他对马尔科姆和杰比说，没理会马尔科姆焦急的抗议。他先往下喊，通知裘德自己要下去，免得破坏他的平衡，然后便翻过屋顶边缘的矮墙。

　 The drop was scarier, and the landing harder, than he had thought it would be, but he made himself recover quickly and went over to where Jude was and wrapped his arms around his waist, tucking his leg around a spindle to brace himself. “I’ve got you,” he said, and Jude leaned out over the edge of the railing, farther than he could have done on his own, and Willem held on to him so tightly that he could feel the knuckles of Jude’s spine through his sweater, could feel his stomach sink and rise as he breathed, could feel the echo of his fingers’ movements through his muscles as he twisted and unkinked the twigs of wire that were fastening the window into its stile. And when it was done, Willem climbed onto the railing and into the bedroom first, and then reached out again to pull Jude in by his arms, careful to avoid his bandages.

落下去比他想的更可怕，摔得也比他预期的更重，但他很快就起身，赶到裘德旁边，双手环抱住他的腰，一腿钩着栏杆撑住自己。“我抓住你了。”他说。裘德倾斜身子探出栏杆，超过了原先他独自能够到的距离。威廉把他抱得好紧，都可以感觉到他毛衣底下的一节节脊椎，他呼吸时腹部的起伏，透过肌肉可以感受到他的手指正扭动着，试图解开固定着窗框的铁丝。等到他解开来，威廉爬到栏杆上，先进入卧室，然后伸出双臂把裘德拉进去，同时留意不要碰到他的绷带。

　 They stood back on the inside, panting from the effort, and looked at each other. It was so deliciously warm inside this room, even with the cold air gusting in, that he at last let himself feel weak with relief. They were safe, they had been spared. Jude grinned at him then, and he grinned back—if it had been JB before him, he would’ve hugged him out of sheer stupid giddiness, but Jude wasn’t a hugger and so he didn’t. But then Jude raised his hand to brush some of the rust flakes out of his hair, and Willem saw that on the inside of his wrist his bandage was stained with a deep-burgundy splotch, and recognized, belatedly, that the rapidity of Jude’s breathing was not just from exertion but from pain. He watched as Jude sat heavily on his bed, his white-wrapped hand reaching behind him to make sure he would land on something solid.

他们往后退，站在房间里喘气，看着对方。虽然冷空气不断从窗子涌进来，但室内的温暖太舒适了，他终于让自己瘫软下来。他们安全了，他们得救了。裘德朝他咧嘴而笑，他也笑开了。如果眼前是杰比，他就会开心地拥抱他，但裘德不习惯拥抱，于是他没动。但接着，裘德举起一只手拨掉头发上的铁锈碎屑，威廉看到他手腕内侧的绷带新染上了一块深紫红的污点，这才后知后觉地发现，裘德急速的呼吸不光是因为刚刚辛苦了半天，也是因为疼痛。他看着裘德退到床边，包着白色纱布的手探到后头摸索确认，然后重重坐在床上。

　 Willem crouched beside him. His elation was gone, replaced by something else. He felt himself weirdly close to tears, although he couldn’t have said why.

威廉蹲在他旁边。他的兴高采烈消失了，取而代之的是另一种情绪。他觉得自己就要掉泪了，但说不上来为什么。