《渺小一生》:搬家那天，电梯坏了。

　 Their faith in him, in his ultimate triumph, remained unwavering, almost disconcertingly so. They were convinced—even as his own conviction was tested so many times that it was becoming difficult to self-generate it—that he would someday be an important artist, that his work would hang in major museums, that the people who hadn’t yet given him his chances didn’t properly appreciate his gift. Sometimes he believed them and allowed himself to be buoyed by their confidence. At other times he was suspicious—their opinions seemed so the complete opposite of the rest of the world’s that he wondered whether they might be condescending to him, or just crazy. Or maybe they had bad taste. How could four women’s judgment differ so profoundly from everyone else’s? Surely the odds of theirs being the correct opinion were not good.

她们相信他终有一天会成功，这念头从未动摇，简直坚定到了令人难堪的地步。她们坚信（就连他自己的信念都受到太多次考验，很难坚定不移了），他有一天会成为重要的艺术家，他的作品会挂在大博物馆里，还没给他机会的人只是不懂得赏识他的天分而已。有时他相信她们，靠她们的信心支持自己振作起来。有时候他很怀疑（她们的意见似乎跟全世界的人完全相反），因此他很好奇她们会不会只是在施舍他，或纯粹就是疯了。也或许是她们的品位太差了。四个女人的判断怎么会跟全世界的人差这么远？她们四个人意见正确的概率当然不太高。

　 And yet he was relieved to return every Sunday on these secret visits back home, where the food was plentiful and free, and where his grandmother would do his laundry, and where every word he spoke and every sketch he showed would be savored and murmured about approvingly. His mother’s house was a familiar land, a place where he would always be revered, where every custom and tradition felt tailored to him and his particular needs. At some point in the evening—after dinner but before dessert, while they all rested in the living room, watching television, his mother’s cat lying hotly in his lap—he would look at his women and feel something swell within him. He would think then of Malcolm, with his unsparingly intelligent father and affectionate but absentminded mother, and then of Willem, with his dead parents (JB had met them only once, over their freshman year move-out weekend, and had been surprised by how taciturn, how formal, how un-Willem they had been), and finally, of course, Jude, with his completely nonexistent parents (a mystery, there—they had known Jude for almost a decade now and still weren’t certain when or if there had ever been parents at all, only that the situation was miserable and not to be spoken of), and feel a warm, watery rush of happiness and thankfulness, as if an ocean were rising up in his chest. I’m lucky, he’d think, and then, because he was competitive and kept track of where he stood against his peers in every aspect of life, I’m the luckiest one of all. But he never thought that he didn’t deserve it, or that he should work harder to express his appreciation; his family was happy when he was happy, and so his only obligation to them was to be happy, to live exactly the life he wanted, on the terms he wanted.

但是每个星期天，他偷偷返家探望，都觉得松了一口气。家里有丰盛的、免费的食物，他外婆会帮他洗衣服，他讲的每个字、展示的每张素描都会得到认真的欣赏和轻声的赞叹。他母亲的房子是一片熟悉的领土，在那里，他永远受到崇拜，感觉上，那里的每项习俗和传统都是为了他和他的特殊需求量身定做的。在傍晚的某个时间，在吃过晚餐、但还没吃甜点的时候，大家都在客厅里休息、看电视，他母亲的猫趴在他膝上，热乎乎的。他会看着这些女人，感觉心里胀得好满。然后他会想到马尔科姆，有聪明绝顶的父亲和满怀关爱却迷糊的母亲；然后想到威廉，他的双亲都过世了（杰比只见过他们一次，是在大一结束、要搬出宿舍的那个星期，当时他对他们的沉默、拘谨和不像威廉感到惊讶）；最后，当然，他想到裘德，他的双亲根本不存在（这是个谜，他们认识裘德到现在快十年了，仍不确定他父母是什么时候过世的，还是他根本从小就是孤儿，只知道状况很悲惨，完全不能提）。然后，他会感觉到一股快乐与感激的暖流，好像胸口涌起了一片海洋。我好幸运，他会想，因为他很好胜，总是要从人生的各个角度跟同辈比较，他会想，我是最幸运的一个。但他从来不觉得自己不配，也不觉得他应该更努力地表达自己的感激；只要他快乐，他的家人也会跟着快乐，于是他对他们唯一的义务就是要快乐，照他自己的条件，过着他想要的生活。

　 “We don’t get the families we deserve,” Willem had said once when they had been very stoned. He was, of course, speaking of Jude.

“我们都没得到我们应得的家庭。”威廉有一回说，当时他们都嗑药嗑得迷糊了。当然，他指的是裘德。

　 “I agree,” JB had replied. And he did. None of them—not Willem, not Jude, not even Malcolm—had the families they deserved. But secretly, he made an exception for himself: He did have the family he deserved. They were wonderful, truly wonderful, and he knew it. And what’s more, he did deserve them.

“我同意。”杰比当时回答。他的确同意。他们每个人，包括威廉、裘德，甚至马尔科姆，都没生在自己应得的家庭。但私底下，他觉得自己是例外：他的家庭就是他应得的。他的家人太棒了，真的很棒，他知道。更棒的是，他的确配得上他们。

　 “There’s my brilliant boy,” Yvette would call out whenever he walked into the house.

“我的聪明男孩回来了。”每回他踏入屋里，伊薇特就会喊道。

　 It had never had to occur to him that she was anything but completely correct.

他觉得她说得一点都没错，从来没有怀疑过。

　 The day of the move, the elevator broke.

搬家那天，电梯坏了。

　 “Goddammit,” Willem said. “I asked Annika about this. JB, do you have her number?”

“该死。”威廉说，“我还特地问过安妮卡的。杰比，你有没有她的电话号码？”

　 But JB didn’t. “Oh well,” said Willem. What good would texting Annika do, anyway? “I’m sorry, guys,” he said to everyone, “we’re going to have to take the stairs.”

但杰比没有。“啊，好吧。”威廉说。总之，联络安妮卡又有什么用？“很抱歉了，各位。”他对每个人说，“我们得走楼梯了。”

　 No one seemed to mind. It was a beautiful late-fall day, just-cold and dry and blustery, and there were eight of them to move not very many boxes and only a few pieces of furniture—Willem and JB and Jude and Malcolm and JB’s friend Richard and Willem’s friend Carolina and two friends of the four of theirs in common who were both named Henry Young, but whom everyone called Asian Henry Young and Black Henry Young in order to distinguish them.

大家好像都不介意。这一天是美丽的深秋，天气才刚开始转冷，没下雨但风很大。他们总共有八个人，要搬的箱子不多，家具也没几件——威廉、杰比、裘德和马尔科姆，加上杰比的朋友理查德、威廉的朋友卡罗莱娜，还有两个是他们四人共同的朋友，两个都叫亨利·杨，不过大家喊他们亚裔亨利·杨和黑亨利·杨，以此来区分。

　 Malcolm, who when you least expected it would prove himself an efficient manager, made the assignments. Jude would go up to the apartment and direct traffic and the placement of boxes. In between directing traffic, he would start unpacking the large items and breaking down the boxes. Carolina and Black Henry Young, who were both strong but short, would carry the boxes of books, since those were of a manageable size. Willem and JB and Richard would carry the furniture. And he and Asian Henry Young would take everything else. On every trip back downstairs, everyone should take down any boxes that Jude had flattened and stack them on the curb near the trash cans.

大家最不看好的马尔科姆负责分配任务，结果他证明自己是很有效率的总管。裘德负责在楼上公寓里指挥交通，告诉大家纸箱该放在哪里。在指挥交通的空档，他把箱里的大件物品拿出来，然后把纸箱压扁。卡罗莱娜和黑亨利·杨都身体强壮，但个子较矮，负责搬较小的装书纸箱。威廉、杰比、理查德负责搬家具。马尔科姆和亚裔亨利·杨则负责搬剩下的东西。每回下楼时，每个人都要顺便把裘德压扁的纸箱带下来，堆在垃圾桶旁人行道的边缘。

　 “Do you need help?” Willem asked Jude quietly as everyone began dividing up for their assignments.

“你需要帮忙吗？”威廉低声问裘德，此时每个人都分头去忙自己的任务了。

　 “No,” he said, shortly, and Willem watched him make his halting, slow-stepping way up the stairs, which were very steep and high, until he could no longer see him.

“不用了。”他简短地说，威廉看着他一步一停，缓慢地爬上那道又陡又高的楼梯，直到看不见为止。

　 It was an easy move-in, brisk and undramatic, and after they’d all hung around for a bit, unpacking books and eating pizza, the others took off, to parties and bars, and Willem and Jude were finally left alone in their new apartment. The space was a mess, but the thought of putting things in their place was simply too tiring. And so they lingered, surprised by how dark the afternoon had grown so quickly, and that they had someplace to live, someplace in Manhattan, someplace they could afford. They had both noticed the looks of politely maintained blankness on their friends’ faces as they saw their apartment for the first time (the room with its two narrow twin beds—“Like something out of a Victorian asylum” was how Willem had described it to Jude—had gotten the most comments), but neither of them minded: it was theirs, and they had a two-year lease, and no one could take it away from them. Here, they would even be able to save a little money, and what did they need more space for, anyway? Of course, they both craved beauty, but that would have to wait. Or rather, they would have to wait for it.

这趟搬家很轻松利落，不拖泥带水。搬完后大家又留了一会儿，一起吃披萨，同时把书从纸箱里拿出来。然后其他人就离开，去参加派对或去酒馆，新家终于只剩威廉和裘德了。公寓里面乱七八糟，但光是想着要把东西归位就让人疲累。于是他们拖拉着，很惊讶午后的天黑得这么快，也惊讶他们竟能在曼哈顿找到住得起的地方。他们两个都注意到，朋友们第一次看到这间公寓时都很礼貌，没露出任何表情（那个放着两张狭窄双人床的房间引来最多评论——“像是从维多利亚时代的精神病院里搬出来的”，威廉之前这么形容给裘德听），但他们两个都不介意：这是他们的，而且他们签了两年租约，没有人能夺走。住在这里，他们甚至可以存下一点钱，何况他们要更大的房子来干吗？当然，他们都渴望完美，但完美还得等一下。或者该说，他们还得等一下。

　 They were talking, but Jude’s eyes were closed, and Willem knew—from the constant, hummingbird-flutter of his eyelids and the way his hand was curled into a fist so tight that Willem could see the ocean-green threads of his veins jumping under the back of his hand—that he was in pain. He knew from how rigid Jude was holding his legs, which were resting atop a box of books, that the pain was severe, and knew too that there was nothing he could do for him. If he said, “Jude, let me get you some aspirin,” Jude would say, “I’m fine, Willem, I don’t need anything,” and if he said, “Jude, why don’t you lie down,” Jude would say, “Willem. I’m fine. Stop worrying.” So finally, he did what they had all learned over the years to do when Jude’s legs were hurting him, which was to make some excuse, get up, and leave the room, so Jude could lie perfectly still and wait for the pain to pass without having to make conversation or expend energy pretending that everything was fine and that he was just tired, or had a cramp, or whatever feeble explanation he was able to invent.

他们在讲话，但裘德的双眼闭着。威廉知道他很痛——那有如蜂鸟扑动翅膀般不断颤动的眼皮，以及他握得死紧的双拳，紧得威廉都能看到手背底下一条条跳动的海绿色血管。他从裘德双腿搁在一箱书上的僵硬姿势，知道这回的痛很剧烈，也知道自己帮不上任何忙。如果他说：“裘德，我去找点阿司匹林来给你。”裘德会说：“我没事，威廉，我什么都不需要。”如果他说：“裘德，你要不要躺下来。”裘德会说：“威廉，我没事，别担心我了。”所以最后，他做了他们三个人这些年来从经验中学会的，就是一碰到裘德腿痛发作，就找个借口站起来，离开房间，让裘德可以躺着完全不动，等待疼痛过去，免得还要陪他们讲话，或是浪费精力假装一切没事，说他只是累了，或抽筋了，或是他能随口挤出的拙劣解释。

　 In the bedroom, Willem found the garbage bag with their sheets and made up first his futon and then Jude’s (which they had bought for very little from Carolina’s soon-to-be ex-girlfriend the week before). He sorted his clothes into shirts, pants, and underwear and socks, assigning each its own cardboard box (newly emptied of books), which he shoved beneath the bed. He left Jude’s clothes alone, but then moved into the bathroom, which he cleaned and disinfected before sorting and putting away their toothpaste and soaps and razors and shampoos. Once or twice he paused in his work to creep out to the living room, where Jude remained in the same position, his eyes still closed, his hand still balled, his head turned to the side so that Willem was unable to see his expression.

在卧室里，威廉找到装床单的垃圾袋，先把自己的日式床垫铺好，再把裘德的床也铺好（那是他们上周花一点小钱跟卡罗莱娜即将分手的女友买来的）。他把自己的衣服分成衬衫、长裤、内裤、袜子四类，放进不同的厚纸箱里（里面的书刚刚清空），推进床底下。他没动裘德的衣服，而是进入浴室打扫、消毒，然后把他们的牙膏、肥皂、刮胡刀和洗发水放好。中间他暂停过一两次，偷偷溜到客厅查看，裘德还是同样的姿势，眼睛闭着，双手依然握拳，头转向另一边，所以威廉看不到他的表情。

　 His feelings for Jude were complicated. He loved him—that part was simple—and feared for him, and sometimes felt as much his older brother and protector as his friend. He knew that Jude would be and had been fine without him, but he sometimes saw things in Jude that disturbed him and made him feel both helpless and, paradoxically, more determined to help him (although Jude rarely asked for help of any kind). They all loved Jude, and admired him, but he often felt that Jude had let him see a little more of him—just a little—than he had shown the others, and was unsure what he was supposed to do with that knowledge.

他对裘德的感情很复杂。他爱他（这部分很简单），同时又替他担心，有时他觉得自己像是他的哥哥和保护者。他知道裘德以前没有他也过得很好，以后没有他也会过得很好，但他有时看到裘德的一些什么会很不安，觉得无助的同时，又很矛盾地更坚定要帮他的决心（尽管裘德很少要求任何形式的帮助）。他们全都爱裘德，也欣赏他，但威廉常常觉得，唯独在他面前，裘德会稍微显露多一点点的自己，只是一点点。他不确定多看到这一点点的自己又应该怎么办。

　 The pain in his legs, for example: as long as they had known him, they had known he had problems with his legs. It was hard not to know this, of course; he had used a cane through college, and when he had been younger—he was so young when they met him, a full two years younger than they, that he had still been growing—he had walked only with the aid of an orthopedic crutch, and had worn heavily strapped splint-like braces on his legs whose external pins, which were drilled into his bones, impaired his ability to bend his knees. But he had never complained, not once, although he had never begrudged anyone else’s complaining, either; their sophomore year, JB had slipped on some ice and fallen and broken his wrist, and they all remembered the hubbub that had followed, and JB’s theatrical moans and cries of misery, and how for a whole week after his cast was set he refused to leave the university infirmary, and had received so many visitors that the school newspaper had written a story about him. There was another guy in their dorm, a soccer player who had torn his meniscus and who kept saying that JB didn’t know what pain was, but Jude had gone to visit JB every day, just as Willem and Malcolm had, and had given him all the sympathy he had craved.

比方说，裘德的腿痛。打从认识他以来，他们就知道他的腿有毛病。当然，也很难不知道；他大学四年都用一根拐杖走路，而更年轻时——他们认识他时他年纪好小，比他们整整小了两岁，根本还在发育中——他要靠拐杖辅助才能走路，而且他双腿穿着类似夹板的沉重撑架，上头的钉子钻进他的骨头里，削弱了他弯曲膝盖的能力。但他从来不抱怨，一次都没有，碰到其他人抱怨时，他也从来没有不满。他们大二那年，杰比踩到冰滑倒了，摔断一边的手腕，他们都记得接下来的骚动，还有杰比夸张的呻吟和凄惨的哀叫，打上石膏的那个星期，他都坚持在学校的附属医院里住院，好多人去探病，连校刊都写了一篇文章报道他。他们宿舍里还有一名足球选手，踢球时撕裂了半月板，当时他一直在说杰比根本不知道什么才叫痛，但裘德就跟威廉和马尔科姆一样，每天都去探望杰比，而且充分表达了同情，满足了杰比的渴望。

　 One night shortly after JB had deigned to be discharged from the clinic and had returned to the dorm to enjoy another round of attention, Willem had woken to find the room empty. This wasn’t so unusual, really: JB was at his boyfriend’s, and Malcolm, who was taking an astronomy class at Harvard that semester, was in the lab where he now slept every Tuesday and Thursday nights. Willem himself was often elsewhere, usually in his girlfriend’s room, but she had the flu and he had stayed home that night. But Jude was always there. He had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and he had always spent the night in their room, his presence beneath Willem’s bunk as familiar and constant as the sea.

就在杰比终于肯出院、回到宿舍享受另一轮关怀后没多久，有天夜里威廉醒来，发现房间是空的。这也不算太罕见：杰比在他男朋友家，马尔科姆那个学期在哈佛修一门天文学，每个星期二和星期四晚上都睡在那里的研究室。威廉自己也常常在别处过夜，通常是在他女朋友的房间，不过她当时得了流行性感冒，所以他那晚就留在自己的宿舍房间里。然而裘德总是在宿舍里。他从没交过女朋友或男朋友，而且总是在寝室过夜，他在那张双层床下铺的存在，就像大海般熟悉又永恒。

　 He wasn’t sure what compelled him to climb down from his bed and stand for a minute, dopily, in the center of the quiet room, looking about him as if Jude might be hanging from the ceiling like a spider. But then he noticed his crutch was gone, and he began to look for him, calling his name softly in the common room, and then, when he got no answer, leaving their suite and walking down the hall toward the communal bathroom. After the dark of their room, the bathroom was nauseously bright, its fluorescent lights emitting their faint continual sizzle, and he was so disoriented that it came as less of a surprise than it should have when he saw, in the last stall, Jude’s foot sticking out from beneath the door, the tip of his crutch beside it.

威廉不知道是什么促使他爬下床，昏昏沉沉地站在安静的寝室中央一会儿，四下张望着，好像裘德会像蜘蛛般从天花板悬吊下来。但接着，他注意到裘德的拐杖不见了，于是开始找他，到起居室里轻声喊他名字，结果没人应，他就离开他们的套房，沿着走廊去公共浴室。从他们黑暗的寝室过来，感觉那浴室亮得令人恶心，里头的日光灯持续发出轻微的嘶嘶声。他整个人实在太茫然了，以至于后来看到裘德的状况时也没那么吃惊。当他找到最后一间淋浴间时，看到裘德的一只脚从门底下伸出来，旁边是他拐杖的末端。