双语读剧：Call me by ...（一）25:我是格劳克斯，而他是戴奥米底斯
What did I want? And why couldn’t I know what I wanted, even when I was perfectly ready to be brutal in my admissions?
Perhaps the very least I wanted was for him to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was no less human than any other young man my age. I would have been satisfied and asked for nothing else than if he’d bent down and picked up the dignity I could so effortlessly have thrown at his feet.
我想要什么？为什么即使我准备好了要毫无保留地坦承一切，我仍然不知道我想要什么？
或许我最不希望的，是让他来告诉我，我没有问题，我和其他同龄少年没什么不同。我能够轻易将自尊丢在他脚边，只要他愿意弯腰捡起，我将心满意足而别无所求。
I was Glaucus and he was Diomedes14. In the name of some obscure cult among men, I was giving him my golden armor for his bronze. Fair exchange. Neither haggled, just as neither spoke of thrift or extravagance.
The word “friendship” came to mind. But friendship, as defined by everyone, was alien, fallow stuff I cared nothing for. What I may have wanted instead, from the moment he stepped out of the cab to our farewell in Rome, was what all humans ask of one another, what makes life livable. It would have to come from him first. Then possibly from me.
我是格劳克斯，而他是戴奥米底斯。以男人之间某种莫名的崇拜为名我拿我的黄金盔甲换他的青铜盔甲。公平交易。双方都不讨价还价，就像双方都不提俭朴或铺张。
“友谊”这个字眼在心底浮现。但众人定义的友谊，是一种陌生的、不活跃的、我毫不在意的东西。相反地，从他走下出租车直到我们在罗马告别，我想要的可能是所有人类对彼此的要求，那种让人生值得一活的东西。但必须由他先主动，然后我才可能付出。
There is a law somewhere that says that when one person is thoroughly smitten with the other, the other must unavoidably be smitten as well. Amor ch’a null’amato amar perdona. Love, which exempts no one who’s loved from loving, Francesca’s15 words in the Inferno16. Just wait and be hopeful. I was hopeful, though perhaps this was what I had wanted all along. To wait forever.
As I sat there working on transcriptions at my round table in the morning, what I would have settled for was not his friendship, not anything. Just to look up and find him there, suntan lotion, straw hat, red bathing suit, lemonade. To look up and find you there, Oliver. For the day will come soon enough when I’ll look up and you’ll no longer be there.
我记得在哪儿听过一个法则：当 A 完全迷恋 B 的时候，B 必定无可避免地也爱上了 A。Amor ch'a null'amato amar perdona. “爱，让每一个被爱的人无可豁免地也要去爱”——这是弗兰西斯卡在《地狱篇》里说的话。耐心等待并充满希望。我抱着希望，永远等待——或许这才正是我一直想要的。
早上我坐在圆桌那儿改编乐曲的时候，我原本所满足于的不是他的友谊，不是任何东西。只是想抬起头确认他在那儿，和他的防晒霜、草帽、红色泳裤、柠檬茶一起，在那儿。为了一抬头，就看见你在那儿，奥利弗。因为我抬起头来却看不见你的那一天，很快，很快就要到来。
Perhaps the very least I wanted was for him to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was no less human than any other young man my age. I would have been satisfied and asked for nothing else than if he’d bent down and picked up the dignity I could so effortlessly have thrown at his feet.
我想要什么？为什么即使我准备好了要毫无保留地坦承一切，我仍然不知道我想要什么？
或许我最不希望的，是让他来告诉我，我没有问题，我和其他同龄少年没什么不同。我能够轻易将自尊丢在他脚边，只要他愿意弯腰捡起，我将心满意足而别无所求。
I was Glaucus and he was Diomedes14. In the name of some obscure cult among men, I was giving him my golden armor for his bronze. Fair exchange. Neither haggled, just as neither spoke of thrift or extravagance.
The word “friendship” came to mind. But friendship, as defined by everyone, was alien, fallow stuff I cared nothing for. What I may have wanted instead, from the moment he stepped out of the cab to our farewell in Rome, was what all humans ask of one another, what makes life livable. It would have to come from him first. Then possibly from me.
我是格劳克斯，而他是戴奥米底斯。以男人之间某种莫名的崇拜为名我拿我的黄金盔甲换他的青铜盔甲。公平交易。双方都不讨价还价，就像双方都不提俭朴或铺张。
“友谊”这个字眼在心底浮现。但众人定义的友谊，是一种陌生的、不活跃的、我毫不在意的东西。相反地，从他走下出租车直到我们在罗马告别，我想要的可能是所有人类对彼此的要求，那种让人生值得一活的东西。但必须由他先主动，然后我才可能付出。
There is a law somewhere that says that when one person is thoroughly smitten with the other, the other must unavoidably be smitten as well. Amor ch’a null’amato amar perdona. Love, which exempts no one who’s loved from loving, Francesca’s15 words in the Inferno16. Just wait and be hopeful. I was hopeful, though perhaps this was what I had wanted all along. To wait forever.
As I sat there working on transcriptions at my round table in the morning, what I would have settled for was not his friendship, not anything. Just to look up and find him there, suntan lotion, straw hat, red bathing suit, lemonade. To look up and find you there, Oliver. For the day will come soon enough when I’ll look up and you’ll no longer be there.
我记得在哪儿听过一个法则：当 A 完全迷恋 B 的时候，B 必定无可避免地也爱上了 A。Amor ch'a null'amato amar perdona. “爱，让每一个被爱的人无可豁免地也要去爱”——这是弗兰西斯卡在《地狱篇》里说的话。耐心等待并充满希望。我抱着希望，永远等待——或许这才正是我一直想要的。
早上我坐在圆桌那儿改编乐曲的时候，我原本所满足于的不是他的友谊，不是任何东西。只是想抬起头确认他在那儿，和他的防晒霜、草帽、红色泳裤、柠檬茶一起，在那儿。为了一抬头，就看见你在那儿，奥利弗。因为我抬起头来却看不见你的那一天，很快，很快就要到来。
