英语GRE作文：点评一篇GRE 作文习作

        第二句“And therein exists another belief that by taking differing from others too far causes people’s failure to see the meaningful similarities among related things.” 由于用了“therein”一词，本句在逻辑上存在严重矛盾。从内容上看，本句所陈述的意思是，如果过分地采取与众不同的做法则会阻碍人们认清相关事物之间的共同点。这一论点是与第一句所表述的论点截然相反的另一种观点（another belief），但 “therein”(“在那个里面”)却规定了这第二个论点是包含在第一个论点之中的。这便产生了两个逻辑矛盾。第一：全然相反的第二个论点怎么能被包含在与之矛盾的第一个论点之中呢？第二：“another”暗示第一个句子中应包含二个“beliefs”，但我们在第一个句子以外，所能读到的却只有一个“belief”，缺乏另一个“belief”的存在。这里，作者可能出于炫耀词汇的心理，用了一个不常用的带有故旧色彩的“therein”，如同上文中的“personality”一词那样，均是囫囵吞枣、没有透彻把握而造成误用的表现，改成“there”，变为 “there exists another belief…”便可。

　　在语言上，介词结构“by taking differing from others too far” 是不能做主语的，“by”一词应去掉，变成现在分词短语才可以充当主语，这里显示出作者受到了中文思维的干扰。此外，在及物动词“taking”之后出现的名词，在“differing”和“differences”之间应首选“differences”。但即使这样，“taking differences”在搭配上也是生硬的，应改成“taking on differences”或“assuming differences” 方为贴切。最后，以副词形式出现的“too far”修饰“taking (assuming)”也显别扭，最好改成形容词“excessive”，放在名词“differences”之前来修饰，才符合英文习惯表达方式。

　　这一句可改为：“On the other hand, there exists an opposite belief that assuming excessive differences from others can result in people’s failure to see meaningful similarities among related things.”

　　第三句：“As far as I am concerned, however, that pursuing differences or personality and seeking similarities between counterparts are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and that a coalition of them both can be possibly and necessarily realized if handled properly, which will benefit our society a lot with the appropriate proportion of them each to blance each other out.”?对于本句，先说语言上的问题。如果保持“As far as I am concerned”这一从句，则后面的内容应该表现为主句，故“pursuing differences”和“a coalition of them both” 之前的两个“that” 应删除，不然会出现全句只有数个从句而没有主句的严重语法问题。或者，保持以“that” 引导的两个从句，将“As far as I am concerned ”改为主句“I think /believe/hold/maintain…”。其次，“similarities between counterparts” 是对原文similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups” 的篡改，因为“counterparts”指的是同类的或对等的人或事物，但题目中“similarities among ideas, individuals, and groups”指的是表面上视若不同的思想之间、个人之间和群体之间在深层次上的共同点”。其次，“coalition”一词常指政治和军事上的联盟，表示两者的融合应该用“combination”，或“integration”, “fusion”, “incorporation”等词汇。此外，“possibly and necessarily”是自相予盾的，应改成“possibly or necessarily”才免强可行。最后，“them each”应改成“each of them”, “blance”为拼写错误，应改成“balance”, 但“balance each other out”也是中国式英语，应改成“to keep a balance between the two”。整句可改为：“As far as I am concerned, however, pursuing differences or individuality and seeking similarities among apparently different entities are not necessarily mutually exclusive, and a combination of both can be possibly or necessarily realized if handled properly, which will considerably benefit our society with an appropriate proportion of each of them to maintain a state of balance or equilibrium.”经过上述修改之后，第一段本身已变得层次清晰，连贯通顺。作者先指出了两个均带片面性的他人的论点，然后提出了有别于这两个片面论点的属于自己的折衷观点。