英语GRE作文：点评一篇GRE 作文习作

In conclusion, similarities and differences are both equally important and indispensable to our society. Without differences and varieties, we risk of making a dull world, without diversity and variety. Without similarities and conformity, we risk ourselves of losing our willingness and ability to communicate efficiently between both individuals and different cultures. We should therefore get out to make apparent differences and personality on the foundamental basis of sharing and acknowledging the meaningful similarity between we human beings.

10-2：总体评价

　　全文结构清晰，第一段为开头，陈述作者的论点（在differences和similarities 之间走中庸之道）；第二段论述differences的重要性；第三段论述similarities的重要性；最后一段为结论,主要从反面来论述differences和similarities各自的不可或缺性。作者有一定的词汇量，有构建较为复杂句式的能力，内容尚显充分，亦能进行例证。第一段思绪混乱，表述不清，极为费解，出现严重句法错误。从第二段起思路和文笔逐渐流畅清晰起来，表达的意思也渐趋明朗．用GRE Issue类作文的评分标准来衡量，得分应在3.5分左右。

10-3: 具体分析

　　第一段极为晦涩费解，层次紊乱，读完五遍之后我才基本整理出一个头绪，读了十遍并详加揣摩之后才弄清楚应怎样重新加以组织方显条理清晰。这或许是因为原作者急于展示自己的才能却又驾御失控所致。

　　第一句：“Differences and personality seem to have been playing a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether ideas, individuals, or groups, for the incentive to stand out in the increasingly larger amount of output by society of both new high-tech products and elites of persons and groups.”

　　本以为这句是作者自己的论点，大致是说由于现代社会高新技术产品和精英人物层出不穷，因此，为了不被湮没在茫茫的人与产品的海洋中而陷入默默无闻，就十分有必要维持与他人或他物的差异并张扬个性。但读到第三句“As far as I am concerned, however…”读者才能推断出开头第一句并非作者自己的论点,而是他人的论点。此外，由第二句中的“another belief”可推知，第一句和第二句所表达的分别是他人的两大观点。故为了条理清晰，作者应在第一句的开头加上“Some people believe (hold, maintain) that…”的字样。

　　在语言上，“personality”是一种误用，它的意思是“一个人的性格，人格”, 而不是“与众不同的个性”，故应改成“individuality”。在“in many aspects”后面出现了补充说明性质的“whether ideas, individuals, or groups”，但其中应维持介词结构的表达方式，即在“ideas”之前至少要有介词“in”，最好“individuals”和“groups”之前都有，以显严谨。但即使这样，将“idea”，“individuals”和“groups”说成社会的诸个侧面也是极为牵强的，改成“human thoughts, individual behavior and group activities”较为贴切。在句子后半部分，将“for”用作介词，后接 “the incentive to…”是比较奇怪的，最好将“for”用作连词，后接一个句子，改成“for the incentive to…is great/high”，但这仍是一个不太常见的句式。另外，“by society”最好改成“in our society”, “elites of persons and groups”最好改成“elite people and groups”。全句最好改为：“Some people maintain that differences and individuality play a crucial role in our society in many aspects, whether in human thoughts, individual behavior, or group activities, for, amidst the increasing output in our society of both new high-tech products and elite people and groups, it is extremely necessary to stand out in order not to be obliterated in the sea of overwhelming similarities.”