成长的烦恼第三季Growing Pains 314
annual Teen Heartthrob poll. They have declared that the dreamiest guy alive is Kirk…
Ben: Who cares?
Mike: What are you watching?
Ben: Nothing’s on.
Mike: No, there’s gotta be.
Ben: Anyway you’re not supposed to watch TV. You promised Mom and Dad you’d actually do
your homework for a change.
Mike: Hey, don’t sweat it. I will.
TV: …More properly known as the castori is one of nature’s most ambitious engineers.
Mike: And you said nothing was on.
Carol: Why Mike, what in the world are you doing in here when you have that darn English
report due?
Jason: What? Mike!
Mike: I’ll get you for this Carol.
Jason: Mike, didn’t you put your hand on your heart and promise to do your homework?
Mike: Dad, I will.
Jason: Well, what do we have to do? Pay you to do it?
Mike: You know, I think you’re on to something here, Dad.
Maggie: Oh, hey. Is that that PBS beaver special on yet? Mike, you are supposed to be doing…
Mike: Doing my English homework. I know. What is it with you people? You act like I never do
my homework or something.
Everybody: Uh-huh.
Mike: Come on! Look, it’s a crummy little four page English report on Raymond Chandler.
Maggie: Four pages that are typed.
Jason: Researched.
Maggie: Footnoted.
Jason: With bibliography.
Maggie: That you should have been working on for four weeks.
Jason: And that is due tomorrow! And…
Maggie: According to your teacher…
Jason: If you don’t get at least a B on this…
Maggie: You won’t pass the course and that means that you…
Carol: Won’t graduate.
Ben: Yea!
Mike: What’d you guys do? Get together and rehearse this or something?
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Mom! Dad! Look, you don’t have to get so excited.
Jason: Oh, we don’t?
Mike: Look, I know over the years my school record hasn’t exactly been terrific.
Carol: What?
Ben: Whoa!
Mike: But believe me, I know how important this report is. I know I kid around a lot, but there
is no way I’m gonna let myself fail this course. I mean, Dad, I’ve even read the book! And
that’s why I have set everything aside this evening so I can spend the entire night in my room,
at my desk, finishing that report no matter how long it takes.
Boner: Hello? Mikey, sorry, I’m late. Ready to split?
[Next scene]
Jason: Mike you’re lying! You were planning on going out tonight!
Mike: Well, Dad. If by out you mean taking off and messing around until all hours forgetting
about my very important English assignment, you are so wrong.
Boner: They are?
Jason: So, what were your plans, Mike?
Ben: Watch him dance!
Mike: Well, ok, alright. Boner and I were merely going to take a couple of minutes to drop in
on a very dear, very close friend of ours who is very nervous about this new job and who
needs some support.
Ben: Oh, man, he’s good!
Jason: So, who exactly is this very dear, very close friend?
Mike: Who? Well, you know, the name’s kinda slipping my mind…
Boner: Sheena Woo-woo Berkowitz.
Maggie: Oh, brother.
Mike: Ok, alright. Now before you jump to the wrong conclusion here, just know that Sheena
just got a very challenging job at Abozaban Pizza throwing dough in the air.
Boner: Oh, yea.
Carol: And Mom, Sheena’s famous for needing all kinds of support.
Boner: Oh, yea.
Jason: Boner, get out!
Maggie: Jason, that’s rude.
Jason: Sorry.
Maggie: Mike go to your room. Go straight to your room and get started on your paper.
Mike: But, what…
Jason: And don’t come out of your room until you either finish that homework or you turn 21,
whichever comes first.
Boner: You tied up all night, Mikey?
Maggie: Boner, get out!
Ben: And the crowd is stunned, ladies and gentleman. Mike Seaver is actually gonna hit the
books.
Jason: And what are you kids sitting around for? Don’t you have some chores to do?
Maggie: Whose night is it to take out the trash?
Ben and Carol: Mikes!
Jason: Mike, take out the trash!
Mike: What?
Maggie: Mike, it’s your night to take out the garbage.
Mike: But I have to work on my report.
Jason: Well, you do that after the trash.
Mike: Oh, ok! Alright, fine! But if I don’t at least get a B on this report. It’s on your heads!
[Next scene]
Boner: Ba-bing! Thirty-two seconds. Not bad.
Mike: Oh, no. I didn’t get out of it, Bone.
Boner: Yea, right. Sure, listen. Woo-woo’s shift ends at eight o’clock. I want to beat the crowd
and get the spot right in front of the window.
Mike: No, I’m serious, man. I gotta finish my stupid English report.
Boner: Mikey, Mikey. Think about what counts here! You don’t got no need for English!
Mike: I can’t believe it! I mean, all my life, I’ve been walking past the windows of pizza parlors
and who’s always in there? Yea, some porked out old guy named Guido. But now it’s Woo-woo
Berkowitz. Throwing gobs of dough, high in the air, reaching up to catch them, arching her
back and stretching. The perfect blend of form and function. The face, the hair…
Boner: The anchovies.
Mike: You know, I would pay money to see her toss anything in the air. Look, man, there’s
always tomorrow night, right?
Boner: No, no, no, no. Not for me, see, I’m going tonight because there could be a nuclear
war tomorrow and I would never forgive myself.
Mike: Oh, great. Just great, Bone.
Jason: Oh, Mike.
Mike: Oh, Dad!
Jason: Yea, Mike. When I saw you out here playing with the basketball, just wasting time, I
thought to myself well I gotta say, I got to be honest here, I got to tell you right now, Mike, I
got angry. Then I thought, no, no, no, no. Maybe Mike’s really got a future in professional
basketball. So, why don’t you just forget about that English report, forget about school, forget
about the fact you’re 5’7 and white. You know, I promised myself, Mike, if you made that last
shot, boy, I’d just let you party! Just sail right on in to that NBA draft. I guess we both know
what that last air ball cost you.
Mike: Later, Bone.
Boner: Bone, one air ball and your whole life is down the shoot. Your dad is really strict!
[Next scene]
Mike: Look, if you guys don’t have any faith in me, don’t beat around the bush, just say it!
Maggie and Jason: We have no faith in you!
Mike: Oh, whoa. What is that?
Ben: It’s a woman in a bikini bending over.
Mike: Ben! Does Mom and Dad know that you’re watching that cable channel?
Ben: This isn’t cable, this is the local news. This week they’re examining the bikini question.
Mike: Yea, the only question I got is what’s her phone number? Oh ho ho! Watch out for those
nasty waves!
Ben: I knew with thirty six channels there had to be something good on.
Mike: Oh, look at that. She’s getting all soaking wet. Poor baby! Oh, look at that. Oh, look at
that!
Maggie: Why don’t you videotape it?
Mike: Good idea. Start it now, Ben… Oh, Mom!
Ben: Uh, Mom. This isn’t disgusting. This is the local news!
Maggie: The TV stays off for the rest of the night.
Ben: What?
Maggie: Sorry, Ben. Your brother can’t handle the distractions.
Ben: Dad! Mom won’t let me watch the news!
Maggie: Mike. Upstairs and I mean now! March!
Mike: March? Mom, come on. Look, we’re both adults here and you don’t need to treat me like
I’m some silly, little child.
Maggie: Go! Now!
Mike: Aw, nuts!
[Next scene]
Mike: Treat me like a little kid, huh? Alright, to work. Hey! Where’s my desk? Alright! Who
swiped my desk?
Jason: Mike, get to work now!
Mike: Oh, fine. How’s a guy supposed to work without a desk? Oh, wait a minute. Oh, here it
is. Alright. A desk. Now, what else? Typewriter. Hey! Alright. Ok, who stole my typewriter?
Maggie: Mike! Get to work!
Mike: Oh, great. Just great, Mom. How’s a guy supposed to type a stupid report when he… Ow.
Ok, now, where’s the Raymond Chandler book? Oh, great. Hey! Somebody stole my… Ok. Oh,
that’s a lot of paper. I only need four pieces. Ok. First, I’ll start with putting the paper in.
Alright. Not bad. Alright, now, my name. Alright. Where was I? Oh, yea. My name. Alright.
This is easy. No, no. wait. I should write this out before I type it. Alright. Hm. Tyconda Ropa
#2. Soft. Oh, oh, great! Just when I’m starting to go!
[Next scene]
Carol: No, Mike. I am not helping you with your paper.
Mike: How’d you know it was me?
Carol: ‘Cause it was a dumb sounding knock. Get out.
Mike: Oh, well, for your information, I did not come in here for your pathetic help. I’m merely
here to sharpen a pencil.
Carol: Alright, over there. The pencil sharpener’s a little tricky to…
Mike: Well, maybe for you but men are much better at handling power tools. Oh, thanks a lot,
Carol! Now, what am I supposed to do?
Carol: I thought your paper had to be typed anyway.
Mike: Yea, but you got to have a first draft first. Don’t you know anything?
Carol: You mean you haven’t even started yet?
Mike: Hey, look, what’s your point?
Carol: 4.0, what’s yours?
Mike: Look, Carol. I have got the whole report right up here.
Carol: Where it’s safe.
Mike: What do you know anyway?
Carol: I know that a cursory examination of Raymond Chandler’s work won’t reveal the full
extent of the depth, symbolism, and import that he weaves into his stories. I mean, take The
Long Goodbye, for example, I mean, here Chandler…
Mike: Wait, wait! Please oh please oh please! Testing one two three! Please work, please work,
please work!
Recorder: Testing one two three! Please work, please work, please work!
Mike: Oh, yea?
Carol: Oh, yea, what?
Mike: Well, I was saying you were totally wrong about what you were saying before.
Carol: What was I saying?
Mike: Oh, well, you know, about Raymond Chandler playing the cymbals.
Carol: No, Mike. I said his work was fraught with symbolism and import.
Mike: Oh, right, right. Well, uh, prove it.
Carol: Prove it?
Mike: Yea.
Carol: Well, Mike, you need only read The Long Goodbye to see how Chandler used the
metaphor of the 40’s gumshoe to illustrate the plight of the modern man in the twentieth
century, alone to fight the incredible odds. I mean, essentially, Chandler’s message was that
modern man hadn’t traveled that far since Chaucerian days.
Maggie: That’s enough, Carol.
Carol: What’d I do?
Maggie: Well, I guess about most of your brother’s paper.
Mike: Oh, come on. Mom, that is such an insult. You actually think that I would have my little
sister do my work for me?
Maggie: You were saying?
Mike: Hey! Alright, who put that in my pocket? I expected better of you, Carol.
[Next scene]
Maggie: Not one more lame excuse.
Mike: But, Mom, I…
Maggie: Not one more word!
Mike: Just…
Maggie: Not one syllable!
Mike: But…
Maggie: Not one letter. Now, you are not to set foot outside this room until you have typed
one entire page. If you understand me, ‘bink’ your eyes.
Mike: ‘Bink’?
Maggie: Ok, Mike, you leave me no choice except to take drastic action! Ben!
Mike: What are you going to do?
Ben: I wasn’t watching the news! I swear!
Maggie: Ben, how would you like to make ten dollars?
Ben: I’d rather make a hundred.
Maggie: Ten’s all.
Ben; What’s the job?
Maggie: I want you to stand guard outside this room.
Mike: What?
Maggie: If Mike comes out for any reason, you let me know.
Mike: But, Mom, Mom. If you think that Benny here, my pal, my bro, my blood, would sell
me out for ten dollars, you are so wrong. I mean, Benny couldn’t live with himself, right?
Ben: No, Mom. I couldn’t.
Mike: See?
Ben: For twenty I could!
Maggie: Ten.
Ben: I could live with that.
[Next scene]
Maggie: Well, I think we’ve finally done it. I had to get tough, but Mike’s in his room, Ben’s
standing guard, it’s only 8 o’clock, and with any luck that English report will soon be born.
Jason: Great, great.
Maggie: What are you doing?
Jason: I’m, uh, watching TV.
Maggie: Why can’t I hear anything?
Jason: Oh, I left the sound off so I wouldn’t disturb Mike.
Maggie: Well, that’s very sweet honey, but what can you watch without the sound?
Jason: This is news special. It’s an in-depth examination of the bikini question.
Maggie: I didn’t know there was a question.
Jason: Oh, yea.
Maggie: Your turn!
[Next scene]
Jason: Out of the way, Ben.
Ben: Has this visit been cleared by Mom?
Jason: It has, yes.
Ben: You got something on paper?
Jason: Out of the way! Nice hat.
Mike: Thanks. Yea, I was just gearing up a little mood music, Dad.
Jason: In the mood now?
Mike: Yea!
Jason: Good.
Mike: Yea!
Jason: ‘Cause this is a hostage, Mike.
Mike: Dad!
Jason: And this is a non-negotiable demand! I want the English report. Or you will never see
your stereo alive again.
Mike: Hey, hey! Dad watch out for the…
[Next scene]
Maggie: What the heck happened?
Jason: He has no music, no friends, no food except for whatever might be growing under his
bed. And no more distractions, nothing. Nothing to do except finish his paper. Aw, whatever
happened to the bikini question?
Maggie: They answered it. It was ‘no.’ Are you sure there’s nothing else up there for him to
do?
Jason: Nothing! Unless, he decides to clean up his room.
Maggie and Jason: Nah.
[Next scene]
Mike: Alright, now I can work. Ok. Ok. And there it is fans! Unbelievable! Michael Seaver just
broken the all time record for nose balancing a pencil! And now, ladies and gentleman, the
impossible. The Seaver’s gonna try not with one, but two pencils! Oh, please let there be
batteries! Please let there be batteries! I’ll never drive over thirty-five again! Oh, yes! Alright!
The Seave’s ready to work. I’m talkin’ ready! I’m ready.
Radio: 8:35pm in Long Island, it’s request time! And this one goes out to Mike!
Mike: Whoa.
Radio: Mike, from your dream girl, brand new tune now. From hottest new singer in the
country, Tiffany.
[Next scene]
Jason: Hey, Ben.
Ben: You’re not going anywhere, dirt bag!
Jason: That’s alright.. You’ve done a good job. Good boy. You can go to bed now.
Ben: You guys don’t have to pay me. I had fun. Don’t get excited, Dad. I was just kidding.
Maggie: Good night, honey.
Jason: Well, either he’s working…
Maggie: Or he escaped out the window. Or he fell asleep working.
Jason: Let’s see how he did. ‘The.’
Maggie: Go on.
Jason: There is no on.
Maggie: Mike!
Mike: Oh, uh, Mom! Mom! I’m doing great here. I’m on a roll! Oh, Dad, you’re here, too!
Jason: Oh, you’re on a roll? This is a roll? One word, one lousy syllable in an hour and a half?
Mike: Yea, but I spelled it right.
Maggie: Oh, Mike, that’s not funny!
Mike: Mom, look, I really wish I had more time to chat, but this report is due pretty soon.
Maggie: Mike, this is not cute, amusing, or charming!
Mike: Well, Mom…
Jason: I give up!
Maggie: Well, I don’t!
Jason: Aw, Maggie. Come on. We can’t help him anymore. It’s not enough for us to want
things for him. He’s gotta want them for himself. And apparently all he wants is to be a bum.
Mike: You’re really mad at me, aren’t you Dad?
Maggie: Yes!
Jason: No.
Maggie: No?
Jason: No! I’m mad at myself! Oh, I believed, I really believed that you were just, well, you
were bright and intelligent, just a little bit lazy. I thought maybe some day you’d snap out of it
but, I’ve been kidding myself.
Mike: What are you saying?
Maggie: Nothing that he means. Jason, tell Mike you don’t mean a word that you’re saying.
Jason: I do mean it. I just think it’s time, Maggie, that we should admit we’re wrong.
Mike: About what? What are you wrong about, huh?
Jason: Hey, come on. We’ve been pushing you to realize your big potential. Maybe this is all
the potential you’ve got.
Mike: It is not!
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: Well, that’s the only explanation, Maggie.
Mike: No, it isn’t, Dad. Look, come on. I’m a goof! A clown! A total bozo! But I am not stupid!
Maggie: Mike, I believe you’re a total bozo.
Mike: Thanks, Mom.
[Next scene]
Maggie: Jason, what the… you didn’t mean that.
Jason: Well, of course, I didn’t mean that.
Maggie: But you sounded so convincing.
Jason: Well, I hope so.
Maggie: Jason, you should’ve started insulting Mike years ago. Where you going?
Jason: Well, now that I’m on a roll I think I’ll go wake up Ben and tell him how disappointed I
am in him.
