让跨性别者在阳光下生活

How to Save Your Life

让跨性别者在阳光下生活

THEY placed an unlit candle in my hands. Hundreds of people sat quietly in chairs. This was at the L.G.B.T. Community Center in Greenwich Village in November, at an event called the Transgender Day of Remembrance.

他们把一根没有点燃的蜡烛放在我的手中。好几百人安安静静地坐在椅子上。11月份的这场活动是在“跨性别纪念日”(Transgender Day of Remembrance)当天举办的，地点设在纽约格林尼治村的男女同性恋、双性恋和跨性别人群社区中心(LGBT Community Center)。

It happens every year, people coming together to mourn trans individuals lost to murder or suicide. As a trans woman, I wish that the one day on the calendar that recognizes transgender experience was about celebrating the successes of our diverse community, rather than counting the lives we’ve lost. But the losses go on, year after year. And so I lit that candle.

人们聚到一起，纪念死于谋杀或者自杀的跨性别者，年年都是如此。作为一个跨性别女性，我更希望在这唯一的一个承认跨性别体验的日子里庆祝我们这一多元化社群的成就，而不是细数逝去的生命。但年复一年，不断有人离我们而去。于是，我点燃了手中的蜡烛。

The weekend after Christmas, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn left her house in Kings Mills, Ohio, in the middle of the night. She made her way to Interstate 71, where she stepped in front of a tractor-trailer. A note she left behind on Tumblr read, in part, “Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living ... because I’m transgender.”

圣诞节过后的周末，17岁的莉拉·奥尔康(Leelah Alcorn)在午夜时分离开了她位于俄亥俄州金斯米尔斯的家。她孤身前往71号州际公路，并在那里与一辆大货车迎面相撞。她在Tumblr上留下了遗书，其中写道：“请不要难过，这样更好一些。我所逃离的这种生活不值得一过……因为我是跨性别者。”

Leelah’s conservative Christian parents were not supportive of her urgent pleas to live her life openly. “I told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids.” She added: “That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.”

莉拉迫切需要以自己的本来面目生活在阳光下，但她的父母是保守的基督徒，不支持她这样做。“我对妈妈说了，她做出了极为负面的反应，教训我说这只是一个阶段而已，我永远不可能成为一个真正的女孩，上帝不会犯错，错的是我。正在阅读这篇文字的父母们，请别这样训斥你们的孩子。”她还表示：“这么做只会让他们憎恨自己。我对此有切身体会。”

Leelah was no mistake. The world abounds with all sorts of ways of being human, one of which is being trans. It is a tragedy that Leelah was never given the chance to be proud of who she was, and that she thought the only way to change the world was through her death.

莉拉没有错。世界上有各种各样的做人方式，做个跨性别者就是其中之一。悲哀的是，莉拉从不曾有机会为自己感到自豪，她认为只能用她的死来改变这个世界。

Suicide is a constant among transgender people; we are one of the most at-risk groups in the country. One study suggests that over 40 percent of us attempt it during the course of our lives.

自杀在跨性别群体中是常有的事。我们是这个国家里自杀风险最高的人群。一项研究显示，40%的跨性别者在一生当中试图自杀过。

I was among that number. In 1986 I stood at the edge of a cliff in Nova Scotia, looking down at the Atlantic, considering the plunge into the sea below.

我就是其中之一。1986年，我站在加拿大新斯科舍省的一处悬崖边，低头盯着大西洋，想要纵身跃入大海。

Then I turned back. Somehow, here I am.

后来，我回头了。不管怎样，我还活着。

Early transition is usually best for trans people. But for many of us it’s impossible, because of unsupportive families, because of a lack of resources, because we do not yet have the courage to embark upon what seems like a frightening path. In that scenario, the best strategy may simply be having faith in the future, and finding a way to survive until you’re able to control your own destiny. I don’t know if the things that helped me are of any use to someone born, as Leelah was, in 1997. But the last week has given me occasion to think back on how it was I got this far.

跨性别者通常最好是在人生的早期阶段完成转变。但对我们中的许多人而言，这是不可能的，因为家人不支持，因为财力不够，因为我们还没有足够的勇气踏上一条看似可怕的道路。在这种情况下，最好的做法或许只能是对未来抱有希望，并在能够掌控自己的命运之前想法子活下去。我不知道给我带来过帮助的一些东西，对像莉拉这样生于1997年的人是否有用。不过，刚刚过去的一周让我有机会回想自己是如何活到现在的。

My own life was saved in part by books. When I found Jan Morris’s 1974 memoir, “Conundrum,” it was as if I’d found a wormhole to another universe, a galaxy where people like me could thrive. I wish I could have also given Leelah two more recent works: Janet Mock’s “Redefining Realness” and Kate Bornstein’s “Hello Cruel World.” They might have made a difference.

在某种程度上，是书籍挽救了我的生命。读了简·莫里斯(Jan Morris)1974年发表的回忆录《谜》(Conundrum)，我仿佛发现了通往另一个宇宙的虫洞，一个我这样的人可以茁壮成长的星系。除了《谜》，我多希望再给莉拉推荐两本后来出版的书：珍妮特·莫克(Janet Mock)的《重新定义真实》(Redefining Realness)和凯特·伯恩斯坦(Kate Bornstein)的《你好，残酷的世界》(Hello Cruel World)。它们也许会让事情有所不同。

If reading provided me with solace, so did writing. Keeping a journal, telling stories, inventing worlds gave me comfort until the time came when I had the agency to make my own choices. Narrative helped me find a through-line in the chaos of my life.

如果说阅读带给我慰藉，那么写作也是如此。在积攒起力量做出顺应内心的选择之前，我从写日记、讲故事和编织虚幻世界之中得到了安慰。

There were other times, quite frankly, when simply making a lot of noise saved me, too. I pounded my family’s piano until the strings broke; I played in a band that played two songs, one of which was “Turn on Your Love Light,” and one of which was not. Making noise helped me know I existed, helped me in some inarticulate way express the pain I felt inside. There were winter nights when I shouted at the sky. Sometimes my own voice echoed back at me.

在其他一些时候，坦白讲，我还靠着弄出大量响动活了下来。我猛敲家里的钢琴，直到把琴键敲坏;我加入了一个乐队，它表演的两首曲子中，有一首是《点亮你的爱之光》(Turn on Your Love Light)，另一首就不记得了。制造出响动让我知道自己还活着，让我以某种隐晦的方式表达出内在的痛苦。我曾在冬夜里对着天空大声呼喊，有时候会听见回声。