当在社交媒体上说你胖的那个人是你妈妈

The “Dear Sugars” podcast is an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed.

“亲爱的糖糖”(Dear Sugars)播客是史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德(Steve Almond)和谢丽尔·史翠德(Cheryl Strayed)主持的一档咨询节目。

Dear Sugars,

亲爱的糖糖，

I’m a 37-year-old woman with two children and a fantastic husband. I enjoy my career and have a fruitful social life. I’m also obese, though I do my best to eat healthfully. I have spent a lot of energy on self-acceptance, and mostly I feel good about how I look. The problem is my mother.

我今年37岁，有两个孩子和一个优秀的丈夫。我喜欢自己的职业，社交生活丰富。我也很胖，但我尽力吃得健康。我费了很大努力接受自己，多数时候满意自己的外表。问题是我的母亲。

She has always been critical of my looks and has never shied away from telling me that I need to lose weight. Recently, she has started posting about my body on Facebook. Whether it’s a negative comment on a photo or a post about weight loss on my wall, the message is clear: Your body is not acceptable. I delete the comments and hide the posts, but that doesn’t make them any less hurtful.

她总是挑剔我的外表，并且从不掩饰地告诉我，说我需要减肥。最近，她开始在Facebook上对我的身材品头评足。无论是对我的照片发表负面评论，还是在我的涂鸦墙上发有关减肥的帖子，她传递的信息都很明确：你的身材不可接受。我删掉了评论，隐藏了她的帖子，但这并不会减少它们对我的伤害。

I’m nervous to talk to her about this because she’ll likely claim she didn’t mean it the way I’m taking it, and I’ll end up apologizing and nothing will change. Her self-esteem is low, she’s an alcoholic, and she has depression. I’ve read that alcoholics tend to be hypercritical of others, but sensitive to feedback of their own behaviors. I’m also sensitive to the fact that her behavior is learned — her mother is likewise critical. But I want to make sure she understands how uncomfortable it is to have your mom talk about your body critically in general, but especially in a public forum. What advice do you have for me in approaching this?

和她讨论这件事让我紧张，因为她可能会说，她不是我想的那样，最后会以我向她道歉告终，然后一切照旧。她自卑、酗酒，还有抑郁症。我看过的资料上说，酗酒者往往对他人吹毛求疵，但对自己的行为引起的反应却很敏感。我还很介意一件事：她的行为是后天习得的。她的母亲也很挑剔。但我想让她明白，自己的母亲经常批评你的身材，尤其是在公开论坛上，这实在让人很难受。如何解决这个问题，你们有什么建议吗?

Feeling Shamed

“感到丢脸”

Cheryl Strayed: I’m sorry your mother does that to you. It’s mean and it’s wrong. You don’t say whether you’ve talked to your mother in the past about her hurtful criticism of your body, but your description of the dynamic you expect tells me previous conversations of this nature have been dysfunctional and ineffective. Take note of that. You aren’t going to get the results you’re hoping for if you go in with the same mind-set as you have previously when addressing such conflicts. You can’t change what your mother says or does, but you can change what you say and do.

谢丽尔·史翠德：我为你妈妈这样对你感到难过。她这样做很刻薄，是不对的。你没有提到以前是否跟她谈过她对你身材的伤人批评，但是根据你对可能出现的情况的描述，我猜测之前的此类对话是无效的。请注意这一点。如果你还带着之前处理此类冲突时的思维模式跟她谈话，就不会得到想要的结果。你无法改变你母亲的言行，但你可以改变自己的言行。

You write that you want your mother to understand “how uncomfortable it is” to have her “talk about your body critically,” but here’s the thing, Feeling Shamed: She already does. She wants to make you feel uncomfortable. That is her very intention. She’s using shame the way shame is used — as a weapon to compel people to do what they wouldn’t otherwise do or pay a price.

你说你想让妈妈明白，她“经常批评你的身材……这实在让人很难受”，但是，“感到丢脸”女士，事实是这样的：她已经那样做了。她就是想让你觉得不舒服。那正是她的本意。她就是要发挥羞耻感的作用，把它用作一种武器，迫使他人做自己不愿做的事，否则就得付出代价。

I encourage you to let go of any notion about changing your mother’s mind. Instead of imploring her to consider your feelings, protect yourself from her by setting and holding a clear boundary. Don’t beg for her compassion. Tell her you will no longer accept her behavior.

我建议你放弃任何改变你妈妈心态的想法。不要恳求她考虑你的感受，而是通过设定和保持一个清晰的界线来保护你不受她的伤害。不要乞求她的同情。只需告诉她，你不会再接受她的行为。

Steve Almond: Amen to all of the above. Your mother is a bully. It sounds like she grew up under the care of a bully and, as often happens, her version of love became infected by a compulsion to shame. Whatever its source, her behavior is emotionally abusive and has been for a long time.

史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德：为你所说的一切而祈祷。你妈妈是个霸凌者。看样子，她也是在一个霸凌者的照顾之下长大的，这种情况往往会导致她心目中的爱与强迫症般地羞辱他人密不可分。不管根源是什么，她的行为都是情感上的虐待，而且已经持续了很长时间。

This will sound odd, but I suspect the reason you haven’t confronted her more forcefully is because you feel guilty. You of all people recognize how sad and isolated she is, and like all loving children, you wish to remain connected to her, even if the price of that connection is withstanding her abuse. It’s a doomed form of loyalty. Your job now is not to abandon her, but to defend yourself from the parts of her that are broken and destructive.

这听起来很奇怪，但我怀疑，你之所以没有更努力反抗她，只是因为你感到内疚。只有你知道她是多么悲哀和孤独，和所有充满爱心的孩子一样，你希望继续和她保持良好关系，尽管代价是继续忍受她的虐待。这是一种注定会失败的忠诚。现在，你的任务不是抛弃她，而是保护你自己不受她性格中消极破坏成分的伤害。

You’ve done the hard work of finding self-acceptance in other areas of your life. Now it’s time to demand acceptance from your mother. She may not be able to handle this shift in the terms of your engagement, at least initially. But that’s something for her to work out. Which is to say, it’s her decision and not one you can control.

你已经努力在生活的其他领域中实现了自我接纳。现在，是时候要求你妈妈也接纳你了。她也许无法按照你的方式来应对这种变化——至少一开始会这样。但那是她需要想办法搞定的事。也就是说，那是她的决定，不是你能控制的。

CS: As a woman who has worked hard for self-acceptance, you already know the importance of shutting out messages that are detrimental to you, whether they be from the culture or individuals. I suggest you use that same approach with your mother. Tell her calmly but firmly that you will block her on social media if she posts any more negative comments about your weight or appearance and then do it if she does. One strike, and she’s out.

谢丽尔·史翠德：作为一个在努力接纳自我的女性，你已经知道了屏蔽有害消息的重要性，不论这些消息是来自文化还是个人。我建议你用同样的方法对你的母亲。冷静而坚决地告诉她，如果她再发布任何有关你的体重或外貌的负面评价，你就会在社交媒体上屏蔽她，并且说到做到。“一振”出局。

Refusing to allow your mother to have access to you on social media doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life. It means you’re closing down a portal through which she has repeatedly chosen to hurt and shame you even after you’ve explicitly asked her not to. Likewise, when she brings up the subject in conversation, tell her you will not discuss your body with her. I suggest you practice ahead of time so you won’t lose your nerve. Write down the sentence you’ll say in response to her criticisms and rehearse it so you’re ready when the time comes.

拒绝让你母亲与你在社交媒体上有接触，不意味着你就要把她踢出你的生活。只是说，你关闭了一个即使在你明确要求她不再这么做之后她仍然反复用来伤害你、使你感到羞愧的入口。同样的，当她在谈话中提到这些问题时，要告诉她你不会与她讨论你的身体。我建议你提前练习，这样你就不会失去勇气。对她的批评，写下你要用作回应的句子并排练一下，到时候你就能有所准备。

SA: You wouldn’t have written us, Shamed, if you weren’t ready to set this boundary. That’s why you wrote us. But it’s still a big deal. For years, you’ve been protecting your mother by absorbing her criticism and swallowing your real feelings. You’ve allowed her to make your weight the issue, rather than her cruelty.

史蒂夫·阿尔蒙德：如果你还没准备好设定界线，你就不会给我们写信说这是“受辱”。这就是你为什么给我们写信。但这仍然是件大事。多年来，你通过忍受她的批评、压抑自己的真实感情，保护着你的母亲。你允许她把你的体重当作问题，而不是她的残忍。

For all the reasons we’ve enumerated, that has to stop. But here’s a final one to consider, one that may stiffen your resolve: your children. You’ve clearly worked hard to build a happy and meaningful life. Your marriage, career and social life attest to this, and your success in each area sends a positive message to your children.

出于我们列举的种种理由，这必须停止。但还有最后一点需要考虑，可能会使你的决心更加坚定的一点：你的孩子。显然，你在努力构建一个快乐而有意义的生活。你的婚姻、事业和社交生活都证明了这点，而你在各个方面的成功都在向你的孩子们传达着正面的信息。

But the ways in which your mother has been able to chip away at your self-esteem sends quite a different message. The point isn’t that you owe it to your children to stand up to your mother. You owe it to yourself. But in doing so, you’re also sending a powerful message to your children about how to set limits with troubled people — even troubled grandmas — who attempt to inflict their self-hatred on you.

但你母亲通过这样的方式侵蚀你的自尊，却传达了完全不同的信息。反抗你的母亲，重点不在于这是你亏欠孩子什么。这是你欠自己的。但通过这么做，你也给孩子们传达了一个强有力的信息，告诉他们如何给有问题的人设定界线——即使那个人是有问题的外婆——那些企图把他们的自憎强加于你的人。