怎样和你的孩子谈论性

怎样和你的孩子谈论性

ONE of the many problems with parenting is that kids keep changing. Just when you’re used to one stage, they zoom into another. I realized this was happening again recently, when my 8-year-old asked me about babies. She knows they grow in a mother’s belly, but how do they get in there to begin with?

养育子女会遇到很多问题，其中之一就是孩子是不断在变的。你刚适应了一个阶段，他们“嗖”一下就到下一阶段了。最近我发现这种变化又来了，我那个8岁的孩子开始问我有关宝宝的事。她知道婴儿是在妈妈的肚子里成长的，但是他们是怎么进去的呢?

I wasn’t sure how much to reveal, so I stalled. “I’ll tell you soon,” I said, adding, “it involves penises.” I didn’t want to shock her or shatter her innocence. Like any good American, I’d assumed that one day (many years hence) we’d have that stilted conversation in which I’d reveal the strange mechanics of sex, and she’d tell me that she already knew all about it.

我不知道该披露多少内容，于是就拖延了一下。“我很快就会告诉你的，”我说，接着补充了一句，“跟阴茎有关。”我不想吓着她，或者有损她的天真无邪。我和每一个纯良的美国人一样，想象有朝一日(再过很多年)我们会进行一场尴尬的对话，届时我将把性这方面的奇怪运作方式和盘托出，然后她会跟我说她早就知道了。

Since I live in France, I decide to investigate how Europeans approach this. Do parents give their kids the birds-and-bees talk, too? Is the subject any less awkward here? Is there some savoir-faire to help me navigate this next phase and beyond?

由于生活在法国，我打算调查一下欧洲人如何处理这种事。这里的父母也会跟孩子说一通小鸟啊、蜜蜂啊之类的东西吗?这个话题在这里是不是稍微没那么难堪?有没有什么专业技巧能助我度过这个和未来的阶段?

I begin my research at a Parisian science museum with an exhibition, Zizi sexuel l’expo, (its English title is Sex — Wot’s the Big Deal?) to teach 9- to 14-year-olds about sexuality. There’s advice about kissing. (Do turn your head sideways, “especially if you’ve got a big nose.” Don’t do the “coffee grinder,” where you spin your tongue in the other person’s mouth.) In the puberty section, I’m asked to identify a smell (it’s armpit) and step on a pedal that makes small white balls — representing sperm — fly out of a pretend penis.

我是从一场巴黎科学博物馆的展览入手的，展览名字叫Zizi sexuel l’expo(英文名是《性——有啥大不了的?》[Sex — Wot’s the Big Deal?])，目的是向9到14岁的孩子教授性知识。里面有如何接吻的建议。(需要把头歪向一边，“尤其是如果你有一个大鼻子。”不要“磨咖啡”，就是在别人的嘴里转动你的舌头。)在青春期展区，我要辨别一种气味(是腋窝)，然后踩一个踏板，让一些代表精子的小白球从一个假阴茎里飞出来。

There’s also a whole section on how complicated love is. One sign explains that “loving someone sometimes makes you happy and sometimes makes you really sad. But even when you’re upset, you still want to love and be loved because it makes you feel so alive.”

有整整一个展区讲的是爱的复杂性。一块牌子上写着“爱一个人有时让你开心，有时让你难过。但即使是烦恼的时候，你也还是想去爱，想被爱，因为爱赋予你活着的感觉。”

The French aren’t paragons of sex education. Though schools are required to teach it, they often don’t. Instead of “the talk,” French children typically get “the book,” says Philippe Brenot, a sexologist. “In general that’s what it is in France. At 12, 13, 14 years old, it’s, ‘Here, take this and read it.’ ”

法国人并非性教育的模范。学校是有相关教育要求的，但他们往往不去执行。性学家菲利普·布赫努(Philippe Brenot)说，法国孩子一般得到的不是“交谈”而是“书本”。“总的来说这就是法国的情况。12、13、14岁的时候，就这样，‘喏，拿这个去看。’”

Like the exhibition, these books (at least the ones I’ve seen; there are dozens) give clear information on how not to get pregnant or catch an infection, and stress that you should have sex only when you’re absolutely ready. But the overarching message is that if you use protection, and you’re in a healthy relationship, sex can be something quite great.

和展览一样，这些书(至少我看的那些是这样;总共有几十本)就如何避免怀孕或感染给出了明确的信息，强调你应该在百分之百准备好了以后再开始性行为。但是它们透露的一个总的讯息是，如果你有保护措施，而且处在一种健康的关系中，性会是一件很美妙的事。

Apparently, the Dutch are at the forefront of sex education, and they have little trouble broaching the topic. Parents in the Netherlands have lots of casual age-appropriate talks about sex with their kids, over many years, beginning when children are small. Mandatory sex education begins in elementary school, and includes lessons on respecting people who are transgender, bisexual or gay.

荷兰人显然在性教育上走到了前面，他们讨论起这个话题来毫无顾忌。荷兰的父母会和他们的孩子闲聊起性话题，但内容是和孩子的年龄相衬的，这种谈话从孩子很小时就会开始，要持续很多年。强制性的性教育从小学就开始了，包括要尊重跨性别、双性恋或同性恋人士的课程。

“If we start with sexuality education when children are teenagers, or even just before they start with any interest in sexuality, I think you are too late,” says Sanderijn van der Doef, a psychologist with the Dutch sexual-health group Rutgers WPF. “As soon as children have questions, they have the interest, and then they have the right to get a correct answer.”

“如果我们从孩子的少年时期开始性教育，甚至是在他们开始对性产生兴趣之前，我觉得都太晚了，”荷兰性健康组织路特赫斯世界人口基金会 (Rutgers WPF)的心理学家森德瑞·范德杜夫(Sanderijn van der Doef)说。“从孩子开始问问题那一刻开始，他们就产生兴趣了，然后他们就有权利得到一个正确的回答。”

Dr. Van der Doef says parents should give simple, clear responses. If the child has more questions, he’ll ask. Once he’s 3 or 4, “You can start to explain, in a very simple way, that Mommy has a little egg in her belly, Daddy has very small sperms in his body, and when the sperms meet the egg, a baby grows in the belly of the mother.” Three-year-olds rarely ask how the sperm and egg meet. If they do, “then you have a very smart child at that age, and that means that child needs to have an answer,” she adds.

范德杜夫说父母应该给出简单、清晰的回应。如果孩子接下来还有问题，他会问的。等到了3、4岁的时候，“你可以开始用非常简单的方式解释，妈妈在肚子里有个小小的卵子，爸爸的身体里有一些小小的精子，等精子和卵子相遇后，一个宝宝就开始在妈妈肚子里生长了。”三岁的孩子很少会问精子和卵子怎么相遇的。如果问了，“那你的孩子在这个年龄段属于非常聪明的，意味着这孩子需要一个答案，”她接着说。

The sociologist Amy Schalet, author of “Not Under My Roof,” says Dutch parents “normalize” sex for adolescents, too. They typically allow 16- and 17-year-olds to have sleepovers at home, if they’re in a stable, loving relationship, are using contraception and are emotionally ready. By contrast, American parents tend to “dramatize” sex: highlighting its dangers, forbidding it at home and leading teenagers to have it in secret, Ms. Schalet writes.

《在我家，没门》(Not Under My Roof)一书作者、社会学家艾米·沙莱特(Amy Schalet)说，荷兰父母把青少年性行为也“正常化”了。他们通常会允许16、17岁的孩子在家里过夜，前提是他们处在稳定的恋爱关系中，并且使用避孕措施，感情上也准备好了。沙莱特说，美国父母则截然不同，他们倾向于把性“戏剧化”：强调其危险，禁止在家里进行，让青少年只能偷偷摸摸。

Both Americans and Europeans typically have intercourse for the first time around age 17. But here, parents are more inclined to accept that. A French friend told me that when she tried to enter her spare bedroom recently, it was locked from inside. After a minute, her 17-year-old popped his head out and said sheepishly, “We’re in here.”

美国人和欧洲人通常都是在17岁左右第一次性交。不过这里的父母对此较为容易接受。一位法国朋友告诉我，最近有一次她想进客卧，发现门被反锁着。一分钟后，她的17岁儿子探出头来，难为情地说，“我们在里面。”

“It was so cute,” my friend told me. Crucially, her son was with his long-term girlfriend. And pregnancy probably wasn’t an issue: In France, birth-control pills are free to 15- to 18-year-olds, with a prescription, and minors can walk into any pharmacy and get the morning-after pill free. (The Dutch rules are similar.)

“好可爱啊，”我的朋友跟我说。关键是，她的儿子是和他的长期女友在一起。怀孕大概也不会是个问题：在法国，15到18岁的人可以凭处方得到免费避孕药，未成年人可以走进任何一家药店，免费拿到紧急避孕药。(荷兰也有类似的规定。)