When at length he stood alone on the platform at Baden, watched the signal lights, and realized that night was upon him, his more hopeful and cheery mood petered out, and he felt an immense desolation descending upon him. While daylight lasted he had been surrounded by human beings; there were all manner of interesting things a small boy could do, sit on a bench and watch the passers-by, wander along streets looking into shop windows. But what was going to happen when everyone withdrew behind closed doors, when they retired to bed, went to sleep, while he, feeling guilty of wrong-doing, slunk about the empty streets, unwontedly alone and forsaken? He must seek shelter at once, not a minute to waste; of that he was profoundly convinced.
Without casting a look to right or to left he made a bee-line towards his grandmother’s villa. It lay back from the road in a garden sheltered by shrubberies and covered with ivy and other creepers. It peeped out white within its framework of green, a friendly, old-fashioned abode. Edgar looked over the hedge, feeling almost like a stranger. Nothing stirred, no lights shone from the windows; Grannie and her guests were probably sitting over their coffee on the lawn to the rear.
He already had his hand on the bell-pull, when an alarming thought entered his mind. So far his resolve to ask his dear Grannie for shelter had seemed quite natural to him. But suddenly he had a doubt. What excuse could he furnish for his unexpected arrival? How was he to answer her inevitable questions? He saw in fancy the old lady’s look of surprise when he told her that he had run away from his mother. Besides, he would have to confess having hit his mother, and the enormity of this crime weighed heavily upon him. A door banged. He started violently, and panic seized him. Suppose someone came out and caught him loitering! He scampered off, hardly knowing where his legs were taking him.
Arrived at the town-park gates, he came to a stop. Here it was very dark, and no one was to be seen. Perhaps he could find a vacant seat, sit down quietly, and think over the situation undisturbed. He slunk along a deserted alley-way. The trees looked ghostly in the dim light of the lamps, but farther on, up a little hill which he climbed, everything lay in darkness, the mist-laden gloom of a spring night. A solitary couple or two sat absorbed. He passed quickly by, for he wanted to be alone. But no solitude was to be found. Whispers could be heard coming from the shadowy depths of trees and bushes, borne upon the wind, mingling with the rustle of leaves and grass-blades; stealthy footsteps sounded along the paths, a sigh, a low laugh, mysterious, voluptuous. Did these murmurs come from human beings or from the beasts? Nature seemed wrapped in sleep, and yet all things were astir. A ferment of living matter was at work disquieting in the extreme to a highly-strung child. Could It all be part of the springtime?
Never had he felt smaller and more impotent, as he huddled upon a bench and tried to think out what he should do, and how explain his flight. But he found it impossible to concentrate his thoughts. In spite of his best endeavours, his ears were always pricked to catch the sound of those mysterious voices issuing from the gloom. The darkness was terrible and perplexing? yet how enigmatically beautiful! This rustling and soughing, this whirring and allurement, did it emanate from animals or from men? Or was it merely the breeze among the boughs? Edgar listened. Yes it was the wind shaking the leaves....No, it came from that couple over there, held in a tight embrace. Man and woman. They had strolled hither from the glare of the town, in order to be alone in the darkness. What were they up to? If he could only find an answer to that question he would find peace, and his tortured mind would be at rest. Two people, but so closely pressed together as to form but a single shadow-just as it had been with his mother and the baron...So the fateful secret clung to this place too? Footsteps drew nearer, a soft gurgle of laughter could be heard. Supposing this approaching couple should catch sight of him? He cowered farther back into the darkness. But they did not see him. They passed quietly by, wrapped in one another’s embrace. Edgar was beginning to breathe freely once more when they stopped, pressing their faces together, and a sigh of content escaped from the woman’s mouth. The man spoke a few rapid words. Edgar felt horribly frightened, and at the same time he thrilled with an unknown pleasure. A minute later the gravel crunched beneath their feet; the pair were swallowed up in the shadows. .
Edgar’s pulses beat furiously, and a sense of solitude gripped him. He longed to hear the sound of a friendly voice; to feel an affectionate hug; to see a lighted and familiar room, people he knew and loved. The uncanny darkness of the night had sunk into his very marrow. He would burst if he did not shake himself free.
Home! Home! A warm and lighted room! Persons he knew! All would be well, then. Nothing bad could happen if he were once with his own people. They might scold him or even beat him, he did not care so long as he had no more to dwell in darkness and solitude.
Hardly knowing what he did he ran on and on, till again he found himself in front of Grandma's house, with his hand ready to pull the bell. Through the curtain of greenery, he saw that the windows were alight;in imagination he pictured the familiar rooms, and their occupants. This proximity was a pleasure; and if he still hesitated to ring, it was merely to revel in his happiness, in the knowledge that he was near to those he loved and who loved him.
A shrill voice behind him brought him back to earth.
“Master Edgar, why, here you are at last!”
It was his Grannie’s housemaid who had come out for an airing. She ran up to the boy and gave him a hearty embrace. The doors, magically, swung open, the dogs dashed down the drive to bark a welcome, people were coming from the house with candles and lanterns, voices of mingled alarm and delight sounded in his ears, a friendly tumult of noises, shapes of persons he knew....His grandmother, who hugged him tight, and behind her—could he be dreaming?—his mother. Abashed, trembling, on the verge of tears, the boy stood stockstill, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. Was he frightened? Or was he happy?
列车停了下来,巴登到了,埃德加独自上了站台。这时华灯初上,信号灯向远方闪着绿的、红的光。看到这色彩缤纷的灯光,不觉想起夜已临近,心里骤然产生一种恐惧。要是白天倒还好,因为四周都是人,他可以休息,坐在椅子上,或者看看商店的橱窗。可是现在人都回家了,每个人都有一张床,闲谈一番,然后度过一个恬静的夜,而这时他却怀着负疚之感孤单地踯躅街头,孤寂而又生疏,这他怎能忍受得了。啊,要赶快找一个蔽身之处,一分钟也不要待在空旷而陌生的天幕下面,这是他唯一明晰的念头。
他沿着那条熟悉的路匆匆走着,无暇左顾右盼,一直走到他祖母的寓所。这所房子坐落在一条宽阔的大街上,但不是那么显眼,前面是一个拾掇得很好的花园,长着各种蔓生植物和常青藤,在这片绿荫的后面,一座洁白的、令人感到亲切的老式房子在闪着光辉。埃德加像个生人似的从栏栅外往里面窥望。里面什么动静也没有,窗户都关着,显然大家都同客人到后面花园里去了。当他的手刚接触到门铃时,发生了一件奇怪的事情:他突然感到,他两个钟头一直想得那么容易、那么理所当然的事却是不可能的。他该怎样进去,怎么向他们打招呼,怎样承受那些问题,怎么回答他们?当他不得不说他是从母亲那里偷着逃出来的时候,怎样去忍受他们的第一瞥目光?怎么去解释他闯下的大祸,他自己都无法理解的行动?这当儿里面有一扇门开了,突然,一种愚蠢的恐惧攫住了他:马上要有人出来了。他拔腿就跑,也不辨东南西北。
跑到公园前他停住脚步,因为那儿一片黑暗,他猜想不会有什么人能看见他。也许他可以在那里坐下来,安静地思考思考,好好休息休息,弄清楚他的遭遇。他畏葸地走了进去。前面有几盏灯亮着,照得嫩叶闪耀出阴森的水光,呈现出晶莹剔透的碧绿;往后,走下山丘,那儿的一切像一堆郁闷的、黑色的发酵物似的团聚在早春之夜的晦暝里。埃德加怯生生地从一些人身边溜了进去,他们都坐在电灯光下聊天或看书。他要独自待着。可是,就是在没有灯光的甬道暗处也不宁静。这里的一切都是怕光的,声音微弱,都在喁喁私语,其中更混杂着风吹树叶的沙沙声,远处脚步的拖沓声,压低嗓门的耳语声和某种欢愉的、呻吟的、充满恐惧的喘息声,这些声音是人和动物以及不肯安睡的大自然同时发出来的。这是一种危险的不安,一种压抑的、隐蔽的、令人畏惧的谜一样的不安。林中地下也有某种声音,这也许是同春天连在一起的蛰动声。这个无依无靠的孩子害怕得要命。
在昏黑的暗处,他蜷缩在一条椅子上,在考虑他到家后该讲些什么。可是,每当他要集中思想时,它就从身旁滑了过去。他不由自主地老在谛听黑暗中低沉的响动,神秘的声音。这黑暗是多么可怕呀,可又是多么迷惘、神秘的美啊!把所有这些窸窣声、沙沙声、嗡嗡声都混在一起的是动物还是人,或者仅仅是风的魔手?他谛听着。是风,它不安静地在林中穿行,但也是人——现在他看清楚了——是相互搂抱着的对对情侣,他们从山下灯光通明的城市走上来,他们谜一般地在这里出现,使黑暗也活跃起来。他们要干什么?他无法理解。他们彼此不说话,因为他听不到说话声,只有脚踩在鹅卵石上发出的沙沙声。他时而看到他们的身形在光亮处像影子一样地一掠而过,都是紧紧地搂得像一个人似的,这和先时他看到他母亲同男爵的情形一样。这个秘密,这个巨大的、闪光的和充满不祥的秘密,这里也有啊。现在他听到越来越近的脚步声和一种压低了的笑声。他感到恐惧,怕走近来的人在这儿发现他,于是他又往暗处缩了缩。这时从不辨五指的黑暗中有两个人摸索着往山上走,并没有看见他。他们搂抱着走了过去,埃德加松了一口气,可是他们突然停了下来,就站在他的椅子跟前。他们把脸贴在一起,埃德加什么也看不清楚,他只听到从女人嘴里发出来的喘气声,男的则喃喃着一种火热的、荒唐的话语。他打了个欢愉的寒战,恐惧之中有一种压抑的预感。他俩停了一分钟,随后鹅卵石在他们脚下发出沙沙的声音,脚步不久就在黑暗中消失了。
埃德加一阵颤抖。现在血又在血管里翻腾起来,比以前任何时候都更加炽热。在这纷扰的黑暗之中他突然感到寂寞难忍。不可遏止的需求主宰了他,他需要亲切的声音,需要拥抱,需要明亮的房间和他所爱的人。他觉得,这纷扰的夜晚的全部黑暗仿佛都沉到了他的心灵深处,进出他的胸膛。他跳了起来。回家,回家,回到家里,什么地方都行,在温暖、明亮的房间里,与亲人在一起。他们对他能怎么样呢?打也好,骂也好,自从他感受到了这种黑暗的滋味和寂寞的恐惧以来,他什么都不怕了。
这种想法驱使他往前走去,不知不觉他突然站在祖母寓所的门前了,手又重新摸着冰冷的门铃。他看到,现在窗户透过绿阴闪着光亮,在想象中,看到每扇明亮的玻璃后面的熟悉的房间里都有人在里面。这种亲昵感使他感到幸福,这种乍到的安适感使他与他所爱的人靠近了。如果说他还在犹豫的话,那只是为了更亲切地享受这种预感。
这时在他身后响起一声刺耳的尖叫:
“埃德加,他在这儿!”
祖母的女仆看见了他,向他扑来,抓住他的手。里面的门开了,一只狗跳到他面前汪汪直叫,屋里的人拿着灯走了出来,他听到欢叫声和惊叹声,呼喊和脚步混成一片的嘈杂声,越来越近。现在他认出来了,最前面的是祖母,她张开了胳膊,在她后面竟是他的母亲,他以为自己是在做梦。他的眼睛哭肿了,他颤抖着,畏葸地处在这激动的感情中间,他无所措手足,不知该做什么,该说什么,甚至连他感觉到什么也不清楚:是恐惧还是幸福。