双语·面纱 第五十九章

59

Kitty fell again into the comfortable routine of her work and though in the early morning feeling far from well she had spirit enough not to let it discompose her. She was astonished at the interest the nuns took in her: sisters who, when she saw them in a corridor, had done no more than bid her good morning now on a flimsy pretext came into the room in which she was occupied and looked at her, chatting a little, with a sweet and childlike excitement. Sister St. Joseph told her with a repetition which was sometimes tedious how she had been saying to herself for days past: “Now, I wonder,” or: “I shouldn't be surprised;” and then, when Kitty fainted: “There can be no doubt, it jumps to the eyes.” She told Kitty long stories of her sister-in-law's confinements, which but for Kitty's quick sense of humor would have been not a little alarming. Sister St. Joseph combined in a pleasant fashion the realistic outlook of her upbringing (a river wound through the meadows of her father's farm and the poplars that stood on its bank trembled in the faintest breeze) with a charming intimacy with religious things. One day, firmly convinced that a heretic could know nothing of such matters, she told Kitty of the Annunciation.

“I can never read those lines in the Holy Writ without weeping,” she said. “I do not know why, but it gives me such a funny feeling.”

And then in French, in words that to Kitty sounded unfamiliar and in their precision a trifle cold, she quoted:

“And the angel came in unto her, and said, Hail full of grace, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.”

The mystery of birth blew through the convent like a little fitful wind playing among the white blossoms of an orchard. The thought that Kitty was with child disturbed and excited those sterile women. She frightened them a little now and fascinated them. They looked upon the physical side of her condition with robust common sense, for they were the daughters of peasants and fishermen; but in their childlike hearts was awe. They were troubled by the thought of her burden and yet happy and strangely exalted. Sister St. Joseph told her that they all prayed for her, and Sister St. Martin had said what a pity it was she was not a Catholic; but the Mother Superior had reproved her; she said that it was possible to be a good woman--une brave femme, she put it--even though one was Protestant and le Bon Dieu would in some way or other arraneg all that.

Kitty was both touched and diverted by the interest she aroused, but surprised beyond measure when she found that even the Mother Superior, so austere in her saintliness, treated her with a new complaisance. She had always been kind to Kitty, but in a remote fashion; now she used her with a tenderness in which there was something maternal. Her voice had in it a new and gentle note and in her eyes was a sudden playfulness as though Kitty were a child who had done a clever and amusing thing. It was oddly moving. Her soul was like a calm, grey sea rolling majestically, awe-inspiring in its sombre greatness, and then suddenly a ray of sunshine made it alert, friendly, and gay. Often now in the evening she would come and sit with Kitty.

“I must take care that you do not tire yourself, mon enfant,” she said, making a transparent excuse to herself, “or Dr. Fane will never forgive me. Oh, this British self-control! There he is delighted beyond measure and when you speak to him of it he becomes quite pale.”

She took Kitty's hand and patted it affectionately.

“Dr. Fane told me that he wished you to go away, but you would not because you could not bear to leave us. That was kind of you, my dear child, and I want you to know that we appreciate the help you have been to us. But I think that you did not want to leave him either, and that is better, for your place is by his side, and he needs you. Ah, I do not know what we should have done without that admirable man.”

“I am glad to think that he has been able to do something for you,” said Kitty.

“You must love him with all your heart, my dear. He is a saint.”

Kitty smiled and in her heart sighed. There was only one thing she could do for Walter now and that she could not think how to. She wanted him to forgive her, not for her sake any more, but for his own; for she felt that this alone could give him peace of mind. It was useless to ask him for his forgiveness, and if he had a suspicion that she desired it for his good rather than hers his stubborn vanity would make him refuse at all costs (it was curious that his vanity now did not irritate her, it seemed natural and only made her sorrier for him);and the only chance was that some unexpected occurrence might throw him off his guard. She had an idea that he would welcome an uprush of emotion which would liberate him from his nightmare of resentment, but that, in his pathetic folly, he would fight when it came with all his might against it.

Was it not pitiful that men, tarrying so short a space in a world where there was so much pain, should thus torture themselves?

第五十九章

凯蒂再次投入到每天例行的工作之中，这让她觉得很踏实，虽然每天一大早，能够感觉到身体有所不适，但她有精神和毅力不受干扰。她很吃惊地发现，修女们开始对她格外关注起来。当她在走廊上遇见这些修女时，以前不过是跟她简单地打个招呼，而现在会有一搭没一搭地找个借口去她待的房间看望一下她，带着甜蜜的和孩子般的兴奋和她聊会儿天。圣约瑟夫修女反复地说——有时甚至有些啰唆，她可能一直自己叨叨了好几天了——“现在，我想知道……”或者“我一点儿也不奇怪……”，当凯蒂有点儿虚弱时，圣约瑟夫修女又会说：“毫无疑问，它逃不过我的眼睛。”她跟凯蒂讲了很多她弟妹怀孕时的故事，这些故事只是让凯蒂觉得好笑，没有一丁点儿借鉴作用。圣约瑟夫修女能够把自己成长的背景（一条小河蜿蜒流过她父亲农庄的草地，矗立在岸边的杨树在微风中摆动）和对宗教有关东西的亲密，用一种令人愉快的方式结合起来。有一天，她坚定地宣称异教徒是无法理解此类事情的，她向凯蒂讲述了天使报喜节[1]。

“我每次读圣经都会泪流满面。”她接着说道，“我不知道为什么，但它给了我一种特有意思的感觉。”

然后她又用法语开始说了，这些词语凯蒂听上去不太熟悉，但一字一句显得很准确，她用冷静的语气引用道：

“天使降临，对她说，玛利亚，不要害怕，上帝与你同在，你在万千妇女中得到赐福。”

关于生育的神秘的传闻在修道院中传播，犹如一阵阵的风在果园盛开的白色花朵中刮过。凯蒂怀孕的事实让那些不能生育的修女们既困扰又激动，她让她们害怕，又让她们着迷。她们看着她身体的变化充满了好奇，因为她们是农民或者渔夫的女儿，在她们孩子般天真的心灵中对生育之事很敬畏。她们想到她的肚子一天比一天大，觉得很麻烦，但也高兴和莫名的兴奋。圣约瑟夫修女告诉她，她们都在为她祈祷，圣马丁修女甚至还说，她不是一个天主教徒真是可惜。但是院长嬷嬷为此还斥责过她，说不是天主教徒也可能是个好女人——一位勇敢的女人，院长还说即使一个人是新教教徒，上帝也会用某种方式或其他方式安排好一切的。

凯蒂对她所引起的关注既感动又有点儿分心，但是更多的是吃惊，因为她发现就连院长嬷嬷，这么一个恪守清规戒律的圣徒，也在用一种新的殷勤态度对待她。她本来一直就对凯蒂很好，但总保持着一定的距离，而现在她对凯蒂非常体贴温柔，里面还带有母爱的成分。她对凯蒂说话时总是和颜悦色，轻声细语，看着凯蒂时，好像她是一个小孩子正在做一件聪明而有趣的事情，目光中突然带有了某种觉得好玩的神色。真是奇怪而又令人感动。她的心灵就像一片灰色的平静大海，雄伟壮观而即使阴沉时，也能激起人们的敬畏。然而，突然一缕阳光使它变得活跃、友好和快乐起来。现在在傍晚的时候，她经常也会过来和凯蒂坐一会儿。

“我必须过来关照一下你，可别累着自己，我亲爱的孩子。”她说道，而且还为自己找了一个明显的借口，“否则的话，费恩医生绝不会原谅我。哦，他这个英国人的自制力可真强！明明他的喜悦无法估量，可你跟他谈到这个话题时，他的脸色会变得苍白。”

她拿起凯蒂的手，充满怜爱地拍着它。

“费恩医生告诉我说，他希望你离开这儿，但是你不愿意，因为你不想跟我们分开。你真是太好了，我亲爱的孩子，我想让你知道，我们大家都很感激你一直以来对我们的帮助，我也觉得你舍不得我们，而且，你能陪在他身边，是比较好的选择，他也需要你。哈，我真不知道如果没有这位令人钦佩的男人，我们应该怎么办了。”

“看到他能够为你们做一些事情我很高兴。”凯蒂说道。

“你必须全心全意地爱他，我亲爱的，他是个圣人呢。”

凯蒂微笑着，但心里叹了口气。现在她只能为沃尔特做一件事，可她又不知道怎么去做。她想得到他的谅解，不再是为她自己，而是为了沃尔特。因为她觉得只有这样，才能让他的内心安宁。向他求得原谅也没有用，如果他怀疑她希望得到原谅是为了他，而不是为了自己，他执拗的虚荣心会让他不惜一切代价拒绝的（她纳闷为什么他的虚荣心现在不会让她生气了，它似乎是很自然的事，只是让她更为他感到遗憾）。唯一的机会就是有某件出乎意料的事情发生，让他失去自我防卫。她有了一个主意，他会欢迎感情的迸发，从而使他从怨恨的噩梦中解脱出来，但是，在他令人同情的傻劲儿中，他可能会把自己封闭起来，并全力抵抗感情的进攻。

在一个充满痛苦的世界中，男人作为匆匆过客，还在自我折磨，这难道不可悲吗？

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[1]天使报喜（Annunciation），指的是圣母玛利亚被告知将做基督的母亲。