双语·面纱 第四十六章

46

That evening Walter came back to the bungalow a little earlier than usual. Kitty was lying on the long chair by the open window. It was nearly dark.

“Don't you want a lamp?” he asked.

“They'll bring it when dinner is ready.”

He talked to her always quite casually, of trifling things, as though they were friendly acquaintances, and there was never anything in his manner to suggest that he harboured malice in his heart. He never met her eyes and he never smiled. He was scrupulously polite.

“Walter, what do you propose we should do if we get through the epidemic?” she asked.

He waited a moment before answering. She could not see his face.

“I haven't thought.”

In the old days she said carelessly whatever came into her head; it never occurred to her to think before she spoke; but now she was afraid of him; she felt her lips tremble and her heart beat painfully.

“I went to the convent this afternoon.”

“So I heard.”

She forced herself to speak though she could hardly frame the words.

“Did you really want me to die when you brought me here?”

“If I were you I'd leave well alone, Kitty. I don't think any good will come of talking about what we should do much better to forget.”

“But you don't forget; neither do I. I've been thinking a great deal since I came here. Won't you listen to what I have to say?”

“Certainly.”

“I treated you very badly. I was unfaithful to you.”

He stood stock still. His immobility was strangely terrifying.

“I don't know whether you'll understand what I mean. That sort of thing doesn't mean very much to a woman when it's over. I think women have never quite understood the attitude that men take up.”She spoke abruptly, in a voice she would hardly have recognised as her own. “You know what Charlie was and you knew what he'd do. Well, you were quite right. He's a worthless creature. I suppose I shouldn't have been taken in by him if I hadn't been as worthless as he. I don't ask you to forgive me. I don't ask you to love me as you used to love me. But couldn't we be friends? With all these people dying in thousands round us, and with those nuns in their convent . . .”

“What have they got to do with it?” he interrupted.

“I can't quite explain. I had such a singular feeling when I went there to-day. It all seems to mean so much. It's all so terrible and their self-sacrifice is so wonderful; I can't help feeling it's absurd and disproportionate, if you understand what I mean, to distress yourself because a foolish woman has been unfaithful to you. I'm much too worthless and insignificant for you to give me a thought.”

He did not answer, but he did not move away; he seemed to be waiting for her to continue.

“Mr. Waddington and the nuns have told me such wonderful things about you. I'm very proud of you, Walter.”

“You used not to be; you used to feel contempt for me. Don't you still?”

“Don't you know that I'm afraid of you?”

Again he was silent.

“I don't understand you,” he said at last. “I don't know what it is you want.”

“Nothing for myself. I only want you to be a little less unhappy.”

She felt him stiffen and his voice was very cold when he answered.

“You're mistaken in thinking I'm unhappy. I have a great deal too much to do to think of you very often.”

“I have wondered if the nuns would allow me to go and work at the convent. They are very shorthanded and if I could be of any help I should be grateful to them.”

“It is not easy work or pleasant work. I doubt if it would amuse you long.”

“Do you absolutely despise me, Walter?”

“No.” He hesitated and his voice was strange. “I despise myself.”

第四十六章

那天傍晚，沃尔特比以往略微早了一些回到了他们住的平房。凯蒂正躺在长椅上，而长椅又对着敞开的窗户。天快黑了。

“屋里怎么没灯？”他问道。

“晚饭准备好了，他们会把灯拿来的。”

他总是跟她很随便地聊些琐碎的事，好像他们是关系不错的朋友，他的神态上没有一丝迹象表明他还记恨在心。他绝不跟她对视，也从不微笑。他小心翼翼地保持着礼貌。

“沃尔特，如果我们幸免于这场瘟疫，你觉得我们以后应当怎么办？”她问道。

在回答之前，他停顿了一会儿，她看不见他的脸。

“我还没想过。”

在往昔的时光里，她想到什么开口就说，是绝不会在说之前考虑再三的，但是现在她有点儿怕他，她觉得自己的嘴唇在颤抖，胸口在撕心裂肺般地疼痛。

“今天下午我去了修道院。”

“我听说了。”

即使说不成完整的句子，她还是强迫自己说下去。

“你把我带到这儿，是真的想让我死吗？”

“如果我是你，我会适可而止的，凯蒂。我觉得没完没了地谈论我们本该忘记的事，这种念头可不怎么好。”

“但是你并没有忘记，我也没有忘记。自从来到这儿以后，我想了很多，你真的不想听听我的心里话吗？”

“当然愿意，我洗耳恭听。”

“我确实对不住你，我对你不忠。”

他愣愣地站着，一动不动，样子有点儿吓人。

“我不知道你是否会理解我的意思，当这种事结束的时候，对女人来说算不了什么，我认为女人绝不会理解男人们所采取的态度。”她突然用一种她自己都几乎认不出的声音说道，“你知道查理是个什么样的人，也知道他下一步会怎么做。好吧，你是对的，他是个无赖，我觉得要不是我也跟他臭味相投，也不会被他轻易上手的。我不是在请求你的原谅，也不是请求你能像以前那样爱我，可是我们不能成为朋友吗？在我们身边，每天都有成千上万的人死去，还有那些在修道院里的修女……”

“她们和这事有什么关系？”他打断了她的话。

“我也解释不清楚，今天去了那里以后，我有种奇怪的感觉，它似乎意味着很多东西。瘟疫是如此可怕，而她们自我牺牲的精神是那么让人敬佩。我禁不住觉得我俩之间的事是那么荒唐和不足挂齿。如果你能明白我的意思，请你不要因为一个愚蠢的女人曾经对你不忠而闷闷不乐吧，我对你来说，一无是处和微不足道，不值得让你为我费那么多心思。”

他没有回答，但也没有挪步，似乎在等她继续说下去。

“威廷顿先生和修女们已经跟我讲了很多你做的事情，都那么了不起。我很为你骄傲，沃尔特。”

“你过去可不是这样，以前你总是瞧不起我，现在怎么变了？”

“你难道看不出来我既怕你又担心你吗？”

他又一次沉默了。

“我不明白。”他最后说道，“我不知道你想要什么？”

“我自己什么都不想要，我只想要你不要那么不开心。”

她能感觉到他僵住了。当他开口时，声音又变得很冰冷。

“你要是觉得我不开心，那你就想错了，我有太多的事情要做，没有工夫琢磨你。”

“我想知道修女们愿不愿意让我去修道院帮忙，她们的人手很缺。如果我能帮上一点儿忙的话，我应该感谢她们给我提供机会。”

“那可不是一件轻松的活或者令人愉快的工作，我怀疑你能坚持多久。”

“你在鄙视我，对吗，沃尔特？”

“不对。”他犹豫了一下，声音变得怪怪的，“我在鄙视我自己。”