双语·面纱 第四十五章

45

But after all it was the nuns that had most deeply touched her. Sister St. Joseph, with her merry face and apple-red cheeks; she had been one of the little band that came out to China with the Mother Superior ten years before and she had seen one after another of her companions die of disease, privation, and homesickness; and yet she remained cheerful and happy. What was it that gave her that naïve and charming humour? And the Mother Superior. Kitty in fancy stood again in her presence and once more she felt humble and ashamed. Though she was so simple and unaffected she had a native dignity which inspired awe, and you could not imagine that any one could treat her without respect. Sister St. Joseph by the way she stood, by every small gesture and the intonation of her answers, had shown the deep submission in which she held herself; and Waddington, frivolous and impertinent, had shown by his tone that he was not quite at his ease. Kitty thought it unnecessary to have told her that the Mother Superior belonged to one of the great families of France; there was that in her bearing which suggested ancient race, and she had the authority of one who has never known that it is possible to be disobeyed. She had the condescension of a great lady and the humility of a saint. There was in her strong, handsome and ravaged face an austerity that was passionate; and at the same time she had a solicitude and a gentleness which permitted those little children to cluster, noisy and unafraid, in the assurance of her deep affection. When she had looked at the four new-born babies she had worn a smile that was sweet and yet profound: it was like a ray of sunshine on a wild and desolate heath. What Sister St. Joseph had said so carelessly of Walter moved Kitty strangely; she knew that he had desperately wanted her to bear a child, but she had never suspected from his reticence that he was capable with a baby of showing without embarrassment a charming and playful tenderness. Most men were silly and awkward with babies. How strange he was!

But to all that moving experience there had been a shadow (a dark lining to the silver cloud), insistent and plain, which disconcerted her. In the sober gaiety of Sister St. Joseph, and much more in the beautiful courtesy of the Mother Superior, she had felt an aloofness which oppressed her. They were friendly and even cordial, but at the same time they held something back, she knew not what, so that she was conscious that she was nothing but a casual stranger. There was a barrier between her and them. They spoke a different language not only of the tongue but of the heart. And when the door was closed upon her she felt that they had put her out of their minds so completely, going about their neglected work again without delay, that for them she might never have existed. She felt shut out not only from that poor little convent, but from some mysterious garden of the spirit after which with all her soul she hankered. She felt on a sudden alone as she had never felt alone before. That was why she had wept.

And now, throwing back her head wearily, she sighed: “Oh, I'm so worthless.”

第四十五章

毕竟正是这些修女深深地打动了她。圣约瑟夫修女那欢快的面孔和像苹果一样红扑扑的脸蛋在凯蒂的脑海中萦绕。圣约瑟夫修女是十年前最早一批跟随院长嬷嬷来到中国的人中的一个，她目睹了她的伙伴们一个接着一个地死去，疾病、食物的匮乏和对家乡的思念无时无刻不在撕扯着她们，然而，她依然保持着幸福和欢乐，究竟是什么东西给了她天真和快乐的力量？还有院长嬷嬷，凯蒂想象自己再次站在她的面前，又一次感受到了自己的谦卑和羞愧。虽然院长嬷嬷穿着简朴，没有任何装饰，但她身上有种天生的威严，使人心生敬畏，你无法想象能有人不尊重她。圣约瑟夫修女在院长嬷嬷身边站着，每一个小的手势以及回答中的语调，无一不显示出她对院长嬷嬷深深的折服。而威廷顿虽然轻率和莽撞，但从他说话的口吻中可以看出在嬷嬷面前他已经大为收敛了。凯蒂觉得完全没有必要告诉她院长嬷嬷出身于法国的一个显赫家族，因为在嬷嬷的举手投足中就透着贵族气质，她身上有种不怒自威之气，别人可能不知道它从何而来，但不得不臣服。她既有一个伟大女士的谦逊，又有作为圣徒的谦卑，在她坚定、美丽和饱受岁月摧残的脸上，简朴的修行焕发出热情的光彩。同时，她心中对芸芸众生的牵挂和温柔仁慈才能让那些小孩子叽叽喳喳但毫不害怕地围绕在她身旁，因为在她对他们深深的爱的笼罩下，他们能得到保护和安慰。她看着那四个新生的婴儿时，脸上露出甜蜜的微笑，也带着深深的感情，就像一缕阳光照在了旷野中疯长而孤独的石楠上。圣约瑟夫修女无意中说的那些有关沃尔特的话也让凯蒂感到了莫名的感动，她知道沃尔特急切地想让她生个孩子，虽然沃尔特平时寡言少语，但她从不怀疑他能够整天逗孩子玩，放下大人的身段，展示他孩童的本性，而现在大多数的男人带孩子时总是笨手笨脚，沃尔特是个多么奇怪的人啊！

但是，所有感人的体验总有一种阴影（就像银白色的云朵镶着黑衬）挥之不去，让她觉得不安。在圣约瑟夫修女单纯的欢快，更多的是在院长嬷嬷优雅的彬彬有礼中，凯蒂感觉到和她们之间还是有距离的。修女们是很友好，甚至可以说是真诚，但与此同时她们也有所保留，她不知道究竟是什么，她隐约感觉到自己只不过是个普通的陌生人，她与修女们之间有一重障碍在隔着她们，她们说着不同的语言，不仅仅是意思上的交流，而更多的是心灵的沟通。当她身后的大门关上的时候，她觉得自己已经被她们完全忘到了脑后，又一刻不停地去忙她们刚才被耽误的工作去了，对于她们来说，她好像根本不存在。她觉得自己不仅被那所贫困的小修道院关在了门外，而且被某个她全身心渴求的、神秘的精神花园关在了外面。她感到了一种以前从未感受到过的孤独，这就是她又哭起来的原因。

这会儿，她疲倦地把头往后一靠，叹息道：“噢，我真没用。”