双语·面纱 第二十九章

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On the steamer that took them up the Western River Walter read incessantly, but at meal-times he endeavoured to make some kind of conversation. He talked to her as though she were a stranger with whom he happened to be making the journey, of indifferent things, from politeness, Kitty imagined, or because so he could render more marked the gulf that separated them.

In a flash of insight she had told Charlie that Walter had sent her to him with the threat of divorce as the alternative to her accompanying him to the stricken city in order that she might see for herself how indifferent, cowardly and selfish he was. It was true. It was a trick which accorded very well with his sardonic humour. He knew exactly what would happen and he had given her amah necessary instructions before her return. She had caught in his eyes a disdain which seemed to include her lover as well as herself. He said to himself, perhaps, that if he had been in Townsend's place nothing in the world would have hindered him from making any sacrifice to gratify her smallest whim. She knew that was true also. But then, when her eyes were opened, how could he make her do something which was so dangerous, and which he must know frightened her so terribly? At first she thought he was only playing with her and till they actually started, no, later, till they left the river and took to the chairs for the journey across country, she thought he would give that little laugh of his and tell her that she need not come. She had no inkling of what was in his mind. He could not really desire her death. He had loved her so desperately. She knew what love was now and she remembered a thousand signs of his adoration. For him really, in the French phrase, she did make fine weather and foul. It was impossible that he did not love her still. Did you cease to love a person because you had been treated cruelly? She had not made him suffer as Charlie had made her suffer and yet, if Charlie made a sign, notwithstanding everything, even though she knew him now, she would abandon all the world had to offer and fly to his arms. Even though he had sacrificed her and cared nothing for her, even though he was callous and unkind, she loved him.

At first she thought that she had only to bide her time, and sooner or later Walter would forgive her. She had been too confident of her power over him to believe that it was gone for ever. Many waters could not quench love. He was weak if he loved her, and felt that love her he must. But now she was not quite sure. When in the evening he sat reading in the straight-backed blackwood chair of the inn with the light of a hurricane lamp on his face she was able to watch him at her ease. She lay on the pallet on which her bed presently would be set and she was in shadow. Those straight, regular features of his made his face look very severe. You could hardly believe that it was possible for them on occasion to be changed by so sweet a smile. He was able to read as calmly as though she were a thousand miles away; she saw him turn the pages and she saw his eyes move regularly as they travelled from line to line. He was not thinking of her. And when, the table being set and dinner brought in, he put aside his book and gave her a glance (not knowing how the light on his face threw into distinctness his expression), she was startled to see in his eyes a look of physical distaste. Yes, it startled her. Was it possible that his love had left him entirely? Was it possible that he really designed her death? It was absurd. That would be the act of a madman. It was odd, the little shiver that ran through her as the thought occurred to her that perhaps Walter was not quite sane.

第二十九章

轮船载着他们沿着西江逆流而上。沃尔特一直在读书看报，但在吃饭的时候，他还是竭力想找些话题来聊天。他跟她说话的态度好像她是他在旅途中碰巧遇到的陌生人，出于礼貌，谈些无关紧要的事情。凯蒂想象，或者因为这样，他才能表达出两个人之间隔着一道鸿沟。

在她洞察到沃尔特阴谋的瞬间，她曾告诉查理，沃尔特以离婚相威胁让她去找他，而另一个选项是让她陪沃尔特去遭受瘟疫的城市，目的就是让她自己看清查理是多么的冷漠、懦弱和自私。这种直觉看来是正确的，这手段完全符合他冷嘲式的幽默，他准确地预测到了她和查理会面后的结局，所以在她回来之前，他已经向女仆下达了替她收拾行李的指令。她在他的眼中似乎看到了某种不屑，既包括对他情人的，也包括对她的。也许他还会自言自语地说，如果他和汤森调换个位置，他愿意克服重重障碍，做出任何牺牲去满足她的一切愿望，她也知道他真的会去那么做。但是，每当她把眼睛睁开，从乱麻的思绪中回到现实，就会埋怨他怎么能把她带到如此危险的地方，难道他不知道这会吓得她不轻吗？起初，她认为他只是吓唬吓唬她，直到他们真的启程上路，不对，是再后来，直到他们离船登岸，又坐上轿椅，开始穿过乡间的旅程的时候，她还以为他会对她笑笑说，她不需要来这儿。她不知道他是怎么想的，但他不会真的希望她死吧，因为他曾经不顾一切地爱她。她现在明白爱情是什么了，而且记起了他对她的千般好。对于沃尔特，用一个法语谚语来说，她的确身在福中不知福。但他不可能不再爱她了呀，因为你受到了虐待，你就会停止爱一个人吗？查理让她痛不欲生，她起码没有像查理对她那样让沃尔特那么痛苦。如果查理给她些暗示，哪怕是一点点，即使现在她已经认清了他，她也会抛弃所有的一切，飞奔向他的怀抱。即使他牺牲了她，不顾她的死活，即使他铁石心肠和无情无义，她还是爱他。

最初，她认为自己只需熬过这段时间，沃尔特迟早会原谅她的。她对自己在他心目中的地位过于自信，觉得事情很快就会过去。大水扑不灭爱的火焰，只要他爱她——她觉得他必须爱她——他就不会强硬下去，但是，现在她开始不那么有信心了。傍晚时分，他坐在旅店直背的黑木椅上读书，借着马灯的灯光她能方便地观察到他的脸。她正躺在一个目前就作为床来使用的垫子上，正好处于光线的背影处，他脸上笔直规则的棱角，使得他的神情看上去十分冷峻，你无法相信这张严肃的脸有时候也会泛起甜蜜的微笑。他能够把书读得如此专注和安静，好像她离他有十万八千里远。他一页一页地翻着书，眼睛一行一行有规律地移动，好像身边没有她这个人似的。当饭桌摆好，晚饭端上来的时候，他把书放到了一边，瞥了她一眼（他不知道照在他脸上的光线使他的表情被凯蒂看得一清二楚），她吃惊地发现他的眼中是一副对她从心底里厌恶的神情。是的，这神情吓坏了她。是不是他对她的爱可能已经完全没有了？有没有可能他确实在设计让她去死？真是荒唐，只有疯子才会这么干。但从目前发生的一切来看，确实有些匪夷所思。当她想到沃尔特其实并没有发疯，觉得从头到脚掠过一阵寒意。