人生不设限·我应该是抽到下下签了吧
At that critical age of adolescence when self-esteem and self-image are so important, I let my worries and fears overtake me. Everything that was wrong with me overpowered all that was right.
我就是抽到下下签了。我要如何过一个有工作、有太太、有小孩的正常生活?
I drew the short straw. How will I ever lead a normal life with a job, a wife, and kids?
我永远都会是周遭人的负担。
I will always be a burden to those around me.
直到失去盼望，我才成了一个残障者。相信我，失去盼望的损失远超过失去四肢。如果你经历过悲痛或沮丧，就会知道绝望有多糟。我从未如此愤怒、受伤和困惑。
I was never crippled until I lost hope. Believe me, the loss of hope is far worse than the loss of limbs. If you have ever experienced grief or depression, you know just how bad despair can be. More than ever I felt angry, hurt, and confused.
我祷告，问上帝他给其他人的那些东西为什么就是不能给我。我祈求手和脚，你都不理我，是因为我做错了什么吗?你为什么不帮我?你为什么要让我受苦?
I prayed, asking God why He couldn't give me what He'd given everyone else. Did I do something wrong? Is that why you don't answer my prayers for arms and legs? Why won't you help me? Why do you make me suffer?
上帝或医生都无法解释为何我一出生就没手没脚，而缺乏一个解释(就连科学的理由都没有)让我感觉更糟。我一直在想，如果有个理由，不管是属灵的、医学上的或其他的，都会让我好过一点，说不定我就不会那么痛苦。
Neither God nor my doctors could explain to me why I'd been born without arms or legs. The lack of an explanation, even a scientific one, only made me feel worse. I kept thinking that if there was some reason, spiritual, medical, or otherwise, it might be easier to handle. The pain might not be so great.
很多时候，我心情低落到不想去学校。在那之前，自怜从来不是个问题，我一直很努力克服身体障碍，参与各种正常活动，像其他孩子一样玩耍。大多数时候，我的坚定和自立让父母、老师和同学印象深刻，然而，我是把伤痛深藏于内。
Many times I felt so low that I refused to go to school. Self-pity hadn't been a problem before. I had been constantly striving to overcome my disability, to do normal activities, to play as other kids played. Most of the time I impressed my parents, my teachers, and my classmates with my determination and self-suffi ciency. Yet I harbored hurt inside.
我被当作个属灵的孩子扶养长大，总是去教会，并深信祷告和上帝医治的大能。我对耶稣很着迷，吃饭时，想到他正与我们同桌而坐，我就微笑了起来。我向上帝祈求手和脚，有段时间，我真的期望早上一起来就发现自己已经有了四肢，就算一次只有一只手或一只脚都好。当它们没有出现时，我对上帝愈来愈愤怒。
I'd been raised as a spiritual kid. I'd always gone to church and believed in prayer and God's healing power. I was so into Jesus that when we had dinner, I'd smile, thinking of Him with us there at the table, sitting in our empty chair while we ate. I prayed for arms and legs. For a while I expected to wake up some morning with arms and legs. I'd settle for just getting one arm or leg at a time. When they did not appear, I grew angry with God.
那时我自以为了解上帝造我的目的，是要在一项奇迹中作为他的搭档，这样世人就会知道上帝是真实存在的。我会如此祈求：“上帝啊，如果你给我手和脚，我会到世界各地分享这项奇迹，会在全国的电视上告诉所有人发生在我身上的奇妙事件，然后全世界都会看见上帝的大能。”我告诉他我知道了，而且愿意坚持完成我的目标。我还记得自己这样祷告：“上帝啊，我知道你把我造成这样，是因为当你给我手和脚时，这个奇迹就可以向世人证明你的力量和爱。”
I thought I'd figured out God's purpose in creating me, which was to be His partner in a miracle so the world would recognize that He was real. I would pray: "God, if you gave me arms and legs, I would go around the world and share the miracle. I would go on national television and tell everyone what had happened, and the world would see the power of God." I was telling Him that I got it and was willing to follow through on my end. I remember praying, God, I know You made me this way so You could give me arms and legs and the miracle would prove to people Your power and love.
小时候我就知道上帝会用各种不同的方式跟人说话，我想，他可能会让我“感觉到”他的回应吧，但我感受到的只有沉默，没有别的。
As a child, I learned that God speaks to us in many ways. I felt he might answer me by placing a feeling in my heart. But there was only silence. I felt nothing.
父母跟我说：“只有上帝知道为什么你生出来会是这样。”那我就去问上帝，但他又不告诉我。这些没有得到满足的请求和没有得到答案的问题，深深地伤害了我，因为我以前一直认为自己跟上帝很亲近。
My parents would tell me, "Only God knows why you were born this way." Then I'd ask God, and He wouldn't tell me. These unfulfilled appeals and unanswered questions hurt me deeply because I had felt so close to God before.
我还得面对其他挑战。我们往北迁移了一千六百多公里到昆士兰，离开了我的大家族——叔伯姨舅和26个堂、表兄弟姊妹给我的保护茧被夺走了。而搬家的压力也加在父母身上，尽管他们保证一切都会很好，也给我满满的爱与支持，但我就是甩不开认为自己是他们巨大的负担这种感觉。
I had other challenges to face. We were moving a thousand miles north, up the coast to Queensland, away from my huge family. My protective cocoon of aunts and uncles and twenty-six cousins was being stripped away. The stress of moving was wearing on my parents too. Despite their assurances and their love and support, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was a tremendous burden to them.
我仿佛戴上眼罩，看不到生命里的任何亮光。我看不出自己会对任何人有帮助，觉得自己只是个错误，是自然界的怪物、上帝遗忘的孩子。爸爸、妈妈努力告诉我事情不是这样，他们为我朗读《圣经》、带我去教会，但我就是没办法从痛苦和愤怒中走出来。
It was as though I'd put on dark blinders that prevented me from seeing any light in my life. I couldn't see how I could ever be of use to anyone. I felt I was just a mistake, a freak of nature, God's forgotten child. My dad and mum did their best to tell me otherwise. They read to me from the Bible. They took me to church. My Sunday school teachers taught that God loves us all. But I couldn't move beyond my pain and anger.
当然也有比较光明的时候。上主日学时，我跟同学一起唱着：“耶稣喜爱一切小孩，世上所有的小孩，无论红黄黑白种，都是耶稣心爱的宝贝。耶稣喜爱世上所有的小孩。”那时，我心里觉得很高兴。被支持我、爱我的人包围着，这首赞美诗唱进了我的心坎里，让我得到安慰。
There were brighter moments. In Sunday school I felt joy when I joined my classmates singing, " ‘Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow black and white, they are precious in His sight, and Jesus loves the little children of the world.' " Surrounded by people who supported and loved me, I took that hymn to heart. It comforted me.
我很想相信上帝深深顾念着我，但是当我觉得疲累或身体不太舒服时，阴郁的念头又钻了进来。在学校操场中，我坐在轮椅上思考：如果上帝真的爱我，像爱其他小孩一样，那他为什么不给我手和脚?为什么他要让我跟其他的孩子那么不同?
I wanted to believe that He cared for me deeply, but then when I was tired or not feeling well, the dark thoughts would creep in. I'd sit in my wheelchair on the playground wondering: If God really loves me like all the other children, then why didn't He give me arms and legs? Why did He make me so different from His other children?
这种想法甚至在白天和很开心的场合也会入侵。我一直被绝望和“人生一定会非常艰难”这种感受所苦，而上帝似乎没有回应我的祈祷。
Those thoughts began to intrude even during the day and in normally happy circumstances. I'd been struggling with feelings of despair and the sense that my life was always going to be difficult. God didn't seem to answer my prayers.
有一天，我正坐在流理台上看妈妈煮饭，通常这会让我感到安定和放松，但突然间，负面想法完全占据我的心：“我不想一直黏着妈妈，成为她的负担。”我有一股冲动，很想把自己从流理台上扔下去。于是我往下看，试着找出从哪个角度掉下去才可以扭断脖子，成功地自杀。
One day I sat on the high kitchen countertop, watching my loving mum cook dinner, which I usually found reassuring and relaxing. But suddenly these negative thoughts overcame me. It struck me that I didn't want to stick around and be a burden to her. I had the urge to throw myself off the counter. I looked down.I tried to work out what angle I should use to make sure I snapped my neck and killed myself.
但是我说服自己别这么做，最主要是因为假如没死成，我就得跟别人解释我为何如此绝望。这么接近自戕边缘这件事让我感到害怕，其实我应该让妈妈知道我曾经有这种想法，但实在难以启齿，我不想吓她。
But I talked myself out of doing it, mostly because if I failed to kill myself, I'd have to explain why I was in such despair. The fact that I came so close to hurting myself that way frightened me. I should have told my mother what I'd been thinking, but I was embarrassed. I didn't want to scare her.
我还年轻，而且虽然身边围绕着爱我的人，但我并没有去找他们，并说出自己最深沉的想法。我拥有资源，却没有善加利用，这真是个错误。
I was young, and even though I was surrounded by people who loved me, I didn't reach out and tell them the depth of my feelings. I had resources but didn't use them, and that was a mistake.
如果你觉得被阴暗的情绪压倒了，不必只靠自己的力量处理，那些爱你的人真的想帮你，他们不会觉得有负担。如果你没办法向熟人倾吐，就去找学校、工作场所和社区里的专业咨询人员。你我都不是独自一个人，现在我已经知道了，所以我不希望你像我一样，如此接近那个致命的错误。
If you feel overcome by dark moods, you don't have to handle it yourself. Those who love you won't feel burdened. They want to help you. If you feel you can't confide in them, reach out to professional counselors at school, at work, in your community. You are not alone. I was not alone. I see that now, and I don't want you to ever come as close as I did to making a fatal mistake.
但那个时候，我被绝望横扫，认为只有结束自己的生命才能结束痛苦。
But at that time I was becoming swept up in hopelessness. I decided that to end my pain, I had to end my life.
